Friday, November 30, 2012

Three short films by Jeremiah Kipp

Every once in a while some clown e-mails me and asks me to review his online movie(s), like I don't have anything better to do than watch some dipwit and his idiot friends hit each other with sticks in the woods behind their housing development. My real issue with reviewing online movies though is that they're usually pretty short, which means that there's really not a whole lot to say about them, and like it or lump it I get paid by the keyword, and "tits" only counts the first six times I type it. Tits. This Jeremiah Kipp cat played it smart though, because one of the movies he wanted me to check out stars scream queen Deneen Melody, who is not only balls hot, but whom I've actually hung out with and kind of like. She's the only girl I've ever met who's seen The Flight of Dragons. So okay, fine, Jeremiah Kipp, if that is your real name (it probably is), I'll watch your little films. There better be some tits in them though.

Crestfallen (2011)

Deneen Melody's hubby leaves her for an inferior chick and takes their daughter with him... I guess so the kid can run around the apartment screaming and throwing peas while he's trying to bang his new piece? Seriously dude, if you're gonna be a player, play the game right. Anyway, this prompts Deneen to slit her wrists in the bathtub, which is definitely a waste of some serious prime, not to mention kind of depressing. Still, we do get a nice look at her rack and her ass in the process, so that alone makes this like the third or fourth best movie I've ever seen. The only problem is that you could say the same thing about any movie featuring Deneen Melody’s tits and/or ass. In fact, I'll bet if you edited a few shots of Deneen Melody's tits into The Day the Clown Cried, it would totally be releasable. I'd almost call it a crutch, but that has negative connotations and I don't want to discourage anyone from featuring a naked Deneen Melody in their movie in the future, so instead of "crutch" let's go with the phrase "really good idea". Deneen Melody: 10 out of 10. Movie: I didn't notice.

Contact (2009)

A black dude getting high with a topless white chick? If I wanted to see that, I'd go down to the park where all the liberals hang out. The chick ultimately freaks out so badly you'd think someone told her parents about the black guy, she imagines that half of her face has been torn off, and we see her final thought before she completely succumbs to the tragedy of black men and drugs. Seriously, isn't that kind of racist? Caucasian guys have been known to lead chicks astray too, you know. Especially those fucking Italians. Movie: 3 out of 10. Black People: 8 out of 10, with extra props for inventing the blues.

Drool (2011)

I kid you not, it's just two people drooling, literally drooling, all over the place. Maybe they just watched Crestfallen and are reacting to Deneen Melody naked. Irregardless, I don't get it at all (possible explanation: art), and, to quote Dan Crowley, "That makes it stupid in my opinion." Movie: 1 out of 10. Dan Crowley: 0 out of 10 (seriously, he's a fucking idiot).

Welp, there you have it, three short films by Jeremiah Kipp. Honestly, people, you need to stop sending me this stuff. Tits.
For more reviews that tell it how it is (and let's face it, it usually sucks) check out one of my many books, available on Amazon, and possibly other places, I don't keep track of that shit. But definitely Amazon.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

505 Unbelievably Stupid Web Pages (2nd Edition), By Dan Crowley (2007)

Okay, before anyone asks the obvious question, no, my blog is not listed in this book. And fuck you.

Now that that's cleared up, let me start by saying that the cat who wrote this is a complete fucking tool. He isn't funny, he's more out-of-touch than your parents, and he seems to think that calling something weird when it's obviously meant to be weird is like this huge revelation and he's some sort of genius for pointing it out. Imagine a really square old dude making fun of "those crazy kids" and laughing at his own jokes while everyone else just stares at him because he doesn't have a fucking clue what he's talking about and you'll understand what reading this book is like. The first time my grandma surfed the Internet she sort of had this guy's attitude (except her comments were funnier), but she got over it after a day or so. Because she's not a goddamned idiot.

Don't take my word for it though. Let's check out some of Dan Crowley's brilliant observations:

This site is extremely stupid...

This site is so stupid...

I am very confused about this one. That makes it stupid in my opinion.

These videos are stupid...

Tomatoes are stupid.

Wow, what wordplay. What insight. Look out, Mark Twain!

As if his cretinous, obvious comments aren't enough, he also rates every website for "abnormality", "stupidity", and "entertainment", not that his ratings are consistent or have any meaning whatsoever. Like, how is a site that tells you what your phone number spells (which could actually be useful if you wanted to request the number BIG-DICK or something) "stupider" than a site that claims Santa Claus is the Devil? Seriously, Crowley, you fucking suck. I think I'm going to borrow your rating system to rate your book:


Do the world a favor and never write anything again. Unless it's a suicide note.
Want to read a book that doesn't suck shit? Consider one of mine.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Adventures of Susan Appel

So the other day I was digging through a big box of loose DVDs at the close-out store when I came across two recordable discs with the following written on them:

"The Price is Right" about 79/80 w/Susan Appel

The Love Connection w/Susan Appel about 1985

Since I was fairly certain that Susan Appel isn't anyone famous, naturally my first question was this: I wonder if she's hot? Was it worth 99 cents per disc to find out? Of course not, so while my girlfriend and her BFF distracted the sales guy by pretending to be dumb and having tits, I stole them.

Okay, so they weren't exactly pretending.
As it turned out, the beginning of the Price is Right disc was legitimately suspenseful, because not one of the first four audience members selected to play was actually Susan Appel. Two of the initial female contestants were pretty cute though, and I couldn't help but wonder if alleged sex maniac Bob Barker managed to molest either of them. That's not a slam on Bob; if I were in his shoes I would've molested every hottie who came on down, and if they raised hell later I'd just pay them off with some spare bedroom sets, possibly the very ones I molested them on in the first place. Because irony, not unlike using your second-tier celebrity status to coerce people into sex, never goes out of style.

You know what's really in that bag? You've seen the movie Diner, right?
Anyway, after a black guy fails to correctly determine the cost of several common grocery items (I think he was confused because all the prices were based on cash, not food stamps. Ha ha!) and one of the cuties wins a car, Susan finally makes her appearance, and holy shit she's a fucking babe:

My god. You can't tell from this grab, but she has great tits too. As the show progressed Susan and her tits managed to win a fridge, but I guess her luck ran out by the time they spun the Big Wheel because that's where the program suddenly cuts off. Seriously, whoever, you couldn't burn the entire episode? I wanted to see who won the Showcase Showdown.

I'm guessing it was this chick, because she was winning everything, despite the fact
that she looks like she's kinda baked. Letting Bob get to third base had its privileges.

I know what you're wondering at this point: did Susan have better luck making a love connection? Sadly, the answer is yes. And I say "sadly" because it was with this fucking goob:

Seriously? That bald dork got a chance with Susan fucking Appel and I didn't? I'm really starting to hate the 1980s. Even worse, Love Connection was a pretty tame show by today's standards, so there's no arguing or fighting, Susan never takes her top off or starts spontaneously pole dancing, and even when the couple innocently mentions that Susan "got wet" on their first date, the host doesn't take the bait. Trashy TV really was a different animal pre-Springer, which is why, when someone I'm talking to refers to the "Golden Age of Television", I almost always slap them or at least try to sleep with their wife.

So, what have we gained from all this? Well, we already knew that The Love Connection sucked and The Price is Right is boring, consumerist propaganda, so that's a wash. And Susan, hot as she was in the 1980s, is like grandma age now. The host of Love Connection does mention that Susan has a teenage daughter, but even she would be in her forties by this point, and tracking down any theoretical twentyish granddaughter solely on the basis of two game shows aired a decade before she was born would probably just lead to the passing of some new, especially bizarre stalking legislation. Best to drop the whole thing now, before the authorities get involved.

If I ever perfect my time machine though, I am so asking 1979 Susan to go disco dancing.

Hey, she's obviously said yes to worse.
For more stories about hot women making bad choices, check out my book Lifetime Movies... for Men, on sale here.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Ask the Answer Man!

There was no internet in the 1970s, so if you wanted to know what Batman's middle name was or how many times Superman had faked out Lois Lane after promising to marry her, your only choice was to buy every DC comic book ever made until you found the answer. Actually, there was one other option: you could "Ask the Answer Man". The Answer Man was this amazing cat who knew everything about DC comics, and every month he would answer any question about them that you sent in, no matter how obscure or ridiculous. Here's some 100% real examples I took from a bunch of old DC comics I keep in the bathroom:

Q: How much is BATMAN FAMILY #13 worth?--Todd Goode. A: 25¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is OUR ARMY AT WAR #202 worth?--Parky Farmer. A: 30¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is DETECTIVE COMICS #359 worth?--Mike Roche. A: In good condition, 30¢.

Q: How much are DC COMICS PRESENTS #'s 1 and 2 worth?--Scott Smith. A: 20¢ each in good condition.

Q: How much is BATMAN FAMILY #3 worth?--Greg Wong. A: 30¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is LOIS LANE #112 worth?--Greg Wong. A: 20¢ in good condition.

Huh. Well, irregardless, the Answer Man was still pretty cool. I guess.

The 100 Best Movies Ever Made... Mostly Suck. And here's the proof.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Do you dare eat...

...the giant gummi grub?

Zaat (1972)

This guy is trying to turn himself into a giant walking catfish, and let me tell you aspiring mad scientists, that is no way to get laid. The process he's using seems pretty complicated, but he's keeping track of it all with this huge hand-drawn diagram that looks like one of those crazy end-times prophecy charts that your loonier Christians will hang on the wall, right next to the picture of them meeting Pat Robertson and their poster about Jesus not leaving enough footprints in the sand. So, our boy marks his progress, dumps some crazy formula into his submersion tank, lowers himself in, and - Presto! - he's NOT a giant walking catfish. He has turned into some kind of a monster though, and apparently that's good enough for him. The very first thing the monster does is check "Self Transformation" off his daily planner (I'm not kidding, he really does do this), and the next step is, naturally, going on a murderous, pharmacy-trashing, blood-drinking rampage. Oh, and along the way he kidnaps a bikini babe and tries to turn her into a monster too. See, he is doing this to meet women. I knew it.

The locals already think the sheriff is a "nigger lover" because he once fell asleep watching TV and woke up halfway through a rerun of Sanford and Son, so with nothing left to lose he allows for the scientist who's on the case to call in the Fisher-Price Adventure People, and their Daredevil Sport RV.

The Ad-ven-ture Peo-ple!

...and their daredevil Sport RV!
Adventure Girl has one of the most astounding pairs of legs I've ever seen, but other than that the two of them aren't good for much and by the time it's all over nearly everyone of note is dead. In addition to the expected monster attacks and lumbering, there's also a body disposed of in acid; a hippie music video (I hate to admit this, but the song isn't too bad); Adventure Girl teasing us with a titless shower scene (TSS); a snake attack; and the slowest, clumsiest thrilling climax ever. Not to mention a ridiculously dark ending for such a corny movie. It's stark raving retarded.
More movie reviews at a bargain price here.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Falling (1985)

Hey, it's Bibi from For Your Eyes Only! You may remember her as the only Bond girl James Bond ever refused to fuck, even though she's deliriously fine, and even though he dipped James Bond Jr. in friggin' Grace Jones just two movies later. On purpose. I swear, he must have been in the middle of a particularly vicious feud with his own penis or something.

In this flick Bibi and her two friends get stranded in a town full of alien parasites that spread by spewing, and once you're infected you go slowly insane until the fully-grown alien finally explodes out of your face. That's all good stuff, but there's just way too much dead time between the cool parts; they could've easily tripled the number of crazy person encounters, alien attacks, and exploding faces and this movie still wouldn't be anywhere near out of control. The little alien monsters are super cool and Bibi's bod is super molestable, so if you can live with the fact that we don't see enough of either one of them I suppose this movie is worth checking out. I wouldn't bother adding it to your bridal registry or anything though.
Click here to buy my book on Lifetime movies, so I can eat.

Ek Aur Aatank (2005)

A lot happens in this movie, but it's mostly incomprehensible since the damn thing is in Indian (7-11, not casino) and who the hell speaks Indian? As near as I can figure it, this is the setup: a baby is born on the wrong side of the tracks (I think his pop even got run over by the train), the cops are totally corrupt, and there's a helicopter. And now we're going back in time to see how it all came about... How all what came about, you ask? Rest assured, that's not necessary information, because when it comes to world cinema two things are universal: the meet cute, and the part where horrific violence is perpetrated by one human being against another.

Racism and sexual innuendo are also appreciated.
The meet cute occurs when the main guy asks this girl at the library for a book called I Love You and she thinks he's propositioning her. The violence occurs a little later, when our main guy gorily beats the shit out of some right bastards, including one cat he punches right through the goddamned windshield of a car. He does his time, gets released, marries his girl, and it seems like his past is behind him, until the bad guys return and kick his fat, comedic-relief friend's mom in the face. The face-kicker is quickly decapitated by the main guy, the bad guys retaliate by cutting a child's arm off, and our main guy and his friends respond to this by somehow acquiring enough financing to beat, machete, bribe, stab, stomp, rob, and shoot everyone in sight. Plus, singing and dancing! (Actually, this flick is pretty light on the singing and dancing. It must be the New Bollywood.) Finally the pigs decide that the good guys' orgy of vigilante justice must be stopped. "Nobody is over the law!" the head cop declares (in English). Well, except for the police, apparently, who spend the next several scenes shooting unarmed suspects in the back. This movie is too damn long (it's like a Bollywood Once Upon a Time in America, except, you know, without the America) and a lot of it is pretty boring, but there is some gory violence, and the occasional cool scene, so if you must watch a movie with a lot of fighting in it that you know you're not going to understand, and you don't have access to the Matrix sequels, you could do a lot worse.
For more awesome movie reviews, check out Mr. Satanism's Horror-nasium, available here.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Maddox was right

Saw this child's painting displayed in a public building the other day. It's called "Traditions". Apparently, their family tradition is pissing in the river. And it looks like junior has a bit of a bladder infection there. Acceptable composition for a third grader, but the subject matter is completely inappropriate. F.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Dark House (2009)

Every neighborhood has that one house all the kids assume is haunted. On our street it's actually my place, I guess due to all the young girls who supposedly disappeared here even though they never proved anything. The house with the bad kid rep in this movie is really just a foster home, but when one little girl goes inside on a dare she finds a bunch of murdered children, so props to their intuition because if it wasn't haunted before, you better believe it is now.

Still missing. If you have any information, keep your mouth shut.
Time passes, and now our main girl is all grown up and looking to become an actress, I guess because "fairy princess" was far too realistic a goal for her. As it turns out, the rest of the clowns this movie is priming for the slaughter are aspiring actors too, and we're introduced to them in the laziest, most ham-fisted way possible when they do an on-stage "exercise" that allows them to delineate all of their quirks and interpersonal drama without actually needing to do anything. Seriously, this is what passes for "characterization" in this movie. And besides being lazy it's a complete waste of time, since almost all of them have the exact same personality ("asshole"), and they never interact in any meaningful way anyhow.

(L-R) Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole, I love her, asshole
Of course this movie isn't (only) about how much the writer should be flogged with his own dick, so in short order our cast of cretins falls bass-ackwards into a gig playing ghouls at the former massacre house, now a state-of-the-art haunted house attraction where the ghosts and monsters are all holograms, which cleverly excuses most of the dodgy cartoon effects (you win this round, Dark House). Of course the holograms are quickly possessed by the particularly computer-savvy ghost, all the horror set-pieces come to life, and ultimately we're watching a lamer version of Waxwork. There is some decent gore, someone name-drops Mark of the Devil, a redheaded reporter does a nice job of filling out some capris (as the only male on Earth who thinks capris are sexy, I heartily approve), and we see a stunning little goth chick in her underwear. (The goth chick is definitely the highlight of the movie - not only does she look like Janeane Garafalo's vaguely irritated daughter, but she dies like a champ, snarking wise to the last with a completely blasé look on her face. Beats flailing around, screaming like some girl.) On the negative hand: moronic fuck-shit lines like "Holograms are triggered by fear." (no, idiot, you're thinking of dogs), and the fact that they take great pains to establish one chick as a lesbian, after which she eats exactly zero pussies. That Chekhov's gun guy is probably rolling over in his grave.

As an aside, I see that Herbert West, who plays the owner of the haunted
attraction, has finally completed his transformation into Dennis Hopper.
For an in-depth look at haunted house movies, check out my book Legendary House of Haunted Hell, on sale here.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Blood In Blood Out: Bound by Honor (1993)

There's this little table next to our dumpster for shit that people are throwing away, but think someone else might be able to use. One time, some idiot left an entire package of cupcakes there. Sealed or not, who's gonna take home a package of cupcakes they found by the dumpster?
Okay, maybe that guy. Anyway, someone left this video there, and this blog being a fairly low-budget operation, I picked it up. Which is how I ended up watching a movie that's best described as "Wetbacks in the Hood". (Actually, this bitch is three hours long, so maybe a better name would be "The Spicfather".) The main beaner (who, just to mix things up a bit, is white) is only a few days away from getting off probation (the thug equivalent of being a few days from retirement) when he caps some fool and ends up in the clink. There's about an hour or so of the usual prison movie bullshit, and then he gets paroled, after which he becomes a useful member of society by holding up an armored car and ending up right back in the joint. Hey, somebody's gotta make all those license plates. By the end, he's organizing a prison-wide massacre of all the honkies (excluding himself), and later, for good measure, all the brothers too. This flick is way too long and never comes close to the awesome, over-the-top insanity of, say, Scarface or Penitentiary III, but there is some cool shit along the way, like gangbangers dropping a dude onto a fire hydrant to break his spine, and a part where someone tosses a pair of grenades onto the dance floor at a popular crowded local nightclub. Plus a little kid who OD's, a gang tattoo cut off with a knife, a car chase, and hilariously dumb lines like these:

Junkie: "For ten years, man, I been star trekkin' in the twilight zone."

Idiot Who's Completely Unclear on the Concept: "She'll be here about seven o'clock sharp."

Oh, and it all ends by assuring us that the kind of prison gang warfare we see depicted in this movie is now under control. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! If you say so, movie.
The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ....Mostly Suck is now available for the Kobo eReader! Get it here.

Friday, October 5, 2012

The Amazing Adventures of Little Batman (2007)

It's kind of difficult to see, but at the bottom of this poster it says "Rated G for Really Great Movie":

Of course that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but I'll play their little game: I rate it F for my Foot up their asses. The setup is essentially the old Batman TV show from the 1960s, except in this take everyone's a little kid. (Excluding Alfred, for some reason.) And I mean little kids- they're so little (or dumb) that they can barely talk, which makes the whole experience even more annoying than it was already, and I don't have to tell you, that's quite a feat. I know that people who have kids (or dogs) are always endlessly amazed by anything and everything they do, whether it's getting their first A in math class or finally managing to shit in the right place, but here's a newsflash: nobody else gives a damn. In fact, most of us hate your kids: they're loud, they're obnoxious, they're ugly and stupid because they're related to you, plus they smell and they suck. I'm sure the guy who made this movie thought that dressing a bunch of kids up as Batman & company and letting them run around on camera was totally cute and hilarious, but that's only because he's a goddamned moron. Or possibly a child molester. Either way, the whole idea makes me puke. Screw this worthless piece of guano.

Nice upskirt shot of the mom at the 2:10 mark though. I'd hit it.
For more movies featuring hot moms, check out Lifetime Movies... for Men, on sale now.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Exercise Break with... The Avenging Apes of Africa (2005)

Wow. Even for Christian television, this is a new low.

Help fight Christian television like this by reading my books. Here's one.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Free Mr. Satanism book for the Kindle

My latest book, Lifetime Movies... for Men, is a 100% free download through the end of the weekend. Get it here: Lifetime Movies... for Men on Amazon.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Amityville Haunting (2011)

[Note: My first two books on horror movies, Legendary House of Haunted Hell and 66.6 Absurd Movies about the Devil, have just been re-issued together in a lower-priced compilation edition featuring one bonus review. Because I'm a supervillain, not a monster, I'm presenting that bonus review here for those of you who have already purchased these two books separately. You're welcome.]

God damn it, we finally get a brand new Amityville movie and it's one of those fucking Blair Witch/lost & found footage deals. Seriously, that is preternaturally weak. Their intro has the facts all wrong too (the Klutz family didn't live there for two years, it was more like until the first mortgage payment bounced), but the first person we actually see onscreen is this absolutely stunning blonde, so I guess I'll give it a chance. The blonde and her cretinous friends waste no time breaking into the Amityville Horror house, brilliantly filming their misdemeanor criminal activity all the while, and while this sequence probably hits a bit too close to home for the poor bastards who currently own the place in real life the horror doesn't really begin until after these kids are dead and an entirely new family moves in. A new family with an annoying-ass kid who also happens to videotape everything that goes on. How fucking gay convenient gay. Before long there's strange sounds, shit moves around under its own power, the little girl has a mysterious imaginary friend, blah, blah, blah, wake me when it's over, suck my balls. It's your typical Presto Magix haunted house movie, except freed from the duo burdens of paying for a tripod or finding a someone who can actually hold a camera still. Cheap, lazy shits. And I like how the main kid delights in telling people that he lives in "the Amityville house". So does everyone on the block, idiot. Apparently the asshats who made this movie didn't realize that the place is known as the "Amityville house" because it's located in a town called Amityville. I guess their pre-moviemaking research consisted entirely of being really stupid. And what is with the dad? Even the parts that could have worked are completely undermined by his retarded dialogue ("I have identified the enemy.") and spasmo overacting. Okay, we get it, you were in the military. Fucking rein it in, Neidermeyer. Oh, and just for the record, it also didn’t help that when the imaginary friend finally showed himself he appeared in the terrifying form of a complete fucking dork.

What a steamer. My condolences to the previously-mentioned blonde. Take it from Mr. Satanism, you're a rare talent, and you deserved better. Eight inches of better. And that's limp, baby.
For more peerless horror movie reviews, check out my latest collection, Mr. Satanism's Horror-nasium, now available on Amazon.

Friday, September 14, 2012

V: Below the Threshold, By Allen Wold (1988)

This book is based on the original V television series, which may pique the interest of a select subset of nerds but don't be fooled, because it's the very definition of a ripoff. Churned out well past even the tail-end of the whole V phenomenon, it reeks of "Quick, write a V novel before people forget about V!" There's tons of sentences that make little or no sense contextually, obvious typos, and at least one part where the writer specifically refers back to something that he forgot to mention previously. As a result, it reads like one of those e-books people self-publish via Amazon, and I hate that shit. The worst thing about it though is the story, if you can call a guy walking around, taking the same meeting multiple times, talking on the phone, and repeatedly eating at Wendy's a "story". Seriously, for the first 100 pages or so absolutely nothing happens, and if you're an old fan of the show there's definitely no V action, whatever that was exactly. IIRC, it was mostly watching aliens eat gerbils and jerking it to the actresses who played "Diana" and "Lydia". I was a Lydia man, myself.

Er, they seemed hotter in the '80s.
Here's an example of what I'm talking about: in one part, our main guy goes to bed, decides he needs a drink, gets up, fixes his drink, heads back to the bedroom, remembers that he left his gun in the kitchen, goes back to the kitchen to retrieve it, and then finally returns to his bedroom for a third time. I'm not kidding, it's like the writer was paid by the letter, and when shit finally does pop off in the final pages it's still not very interesting or reminiscent of V at all. In fact, with a little find & replace this could easily be a (shitty) crime/light sci-fi novel that has nothing to do with V whatsoever. I'm gonna keep my eyes peeled for Wild Wild West: Below the Threshold or Alien Nation: Below the Threshold or maybe even ALF: Below the Threshold. I guarantee this generic money-grab has been repurposed somewhere, before if not since.
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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Psycho Cop (1989)

Did you ever see the movie Maniac Cop? Well this is nothing like that. In this flick, a bunch of drips who keep repeating themselves (maybe they're stuck in a time loop) are cruising around in a cherry red convertible that they totally don't deserve when they draw the ire of this goofy-ass cop who can't act and worships the Devil. He follows them to the place where they're staying, which of course is in the middle of nowhere (cell phones didn't exist in 1989 , but if they did I guarantee you wouldn't be able to get a signal out there), where he axes the caretaker, jams his nightstick down a guy's throat (heh), hits the ugly blonde with his car, knifes the mediocre brunette, tasers one dork, and chokes out another. Another dork, I mean. He also steals all their beer (typical cop). Finally the hot redhead has had enough, so she shoots the prick, after which she does a strip tease to the song "Cop Killer". Okay, fine, I'm making that last part up. The story is like something an autistic person would write, the acting is so wooden you could crucify Jesus on it, the gore is all but non-existent, and there aren't any tits, so the only decent part ends up being the redhead in a bikini. Kudos to her though - I'd hit that so hard it would file assault charges.

As I was chucking the VHS of this into the garbage I noticed a real blast from the past on the back cover. Check it out:

Remember those days? Can you imagine how pissed off you'd be if you actually paid ninety bucks for this piece of crap? On VHS? Christ, I would've stabbed somebody.
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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Spider-Man: "The Hunter and the Hunted" (1981)

Peter Parker's boss, J. Jonah Jameson, decides that his newspaper needs an extra kick in the ass, and what moves newspapers like knowing that the paper in question owns its very own, bona fide saber-toothed tiger? (Hey, don't look at me. I just review this shit.) Too bad the only saber-toothed tiger around belongs to Ka-Zar, Lord of the Savage Land, a guy who regularly fights dinosaurs with his bare hands:

Ignore him, Lisa. He's just showing off.
This doesn't bother J.J.J. unduly though, so he hires Kraven the Cowardly Hunter to cat-nap the tiger. Kraven activates his superpowers (this is achieved by taking drugs), wrestles/gasses/electrified cages the sabertooth into submission, and somehow gets it past Customs into New York, where it generates so much publicity that nobody shows up. Oh, wait, J.J.J. just said that he hasn't actually kicked the publicity blitz off yet, and, as it turns out, he never does. In fact, he never even takes possession of the damn tiger! What do you want to bet that this is as far as the whole cockamamie idea goes? Frankly I think Jonah J. Jameson comes up with these ridiculous schemes solely to see how many superheroes/villains he can get pissed off at him at one time.

He never learns.
Pretty soon Ka-Zar shows up looking for his cat, and when Kraven finds out he's in town (while sitting at his bamboo desk, watching the news on his television, which also appears to be made out of bamboo) he decides that they should fight. I mean why not, right? Neither one of them is married, or wears a shirt, so... Er, let's move on. Ka-zar barges into Jameson's office and picks him up over his head, I assume because he plans on throwing him out the window, but he's not a complete monster and lets Jonah answer his phone first, which turns out to be a lucky break for both of them because it's Kraven calling to see if Jonah can give Ka-Zar a ride to the big gay sex fight. He can and he does, Kraven uses his high-tech Kraven Computer to capture Ka-Zar without even breaking a sweat, and ultimately it's up to Spider-Man to save the day, which was a nice way to wrap things up, seeing as it is his show and all. Not that that's anything to be proud of, obviously.
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Monday, September 10, 2012

The Cross and the Switchblade (1970)

Why would you join some pussy-ass gang like the Crips or the Warlocks when you can join the baddest gang of all, the Christians? Christians are millions strong; they recruit like crazy; they've got members in every hood in the country; they hassle, threaten, and bully everyone around; and whenever someone stands up to them they always manage to spin it so that they're the ones being dissed. Even better, if you're in charge of one of their chapters you don't pay taxes, not even on any tithe you take in!

The main Christian in this flick is a preacher-man so dedicated to bangin' that he abandons his pregnant wife to troll for prospects. Ruthless. He's currently got his eye on these thugz who are so hardcore that they wasted a kid by NOT hitting him with lead pipes, but eventually he decides to hold this huge rally and unite all the local gangs -- the Mau Maus, the Bishops, the Trixters, the Brotherhood, the Dittybops, the Be-Bop-A-Lulas, the Switcharoos, the Sacagaweas, the Pattycakes, the Kool Moe Dees, the Portmanteaus, the Bakeoffs, the East Georgetown Ballas, Sparkle Motion, the Studly Coalition, the French Resistance, the Latin Sallys, the Blue Man Group, the Marty McFlys, and all the rest -- into one Warriors style supergang under his colors. (That would be Jesus, and those colors don't run. They just sort of hang around. Ha ha!) It's no Romper Stomper, but there is one solid brawl/foot chase that starts as a rumble in the park and ends with both gangs on a roof fighting the pigs, the best part being when some cats get fooled into running down a blind alley where the other gang drops Molotov cocktails and bricks on them. Plus: a guy falling off a fire escape and landing on his face, a trick holding herself hostage (just like Blazing Saddles!), a surprisingly cool bit where one gang is hit at a funeral, step-by-step instructions on how to fix, and a part where violent gang members intimidate people into donating money to the preacher, which might just be the most honest scene to ever appear in a Christian movie.

All told, pretty entertaining.

"Five dollars gets you two joints, all our bodies, and a Sparkle Motion mouse pad!"
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