Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Comic book cover artist fail

Really, dude? You messed up the dinosaur but, composition be damned, instead of starting over you just changed it into a rock and kept going? Talk about fucking lazy. (Click the pic for a closer look.)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Fear not, gang...

This blog has not been forgotten. I've just been hard at work finalizing my latest e-book, available soon. Here's a sneak peek at the cover:

The original concept for the cover featured this girl fighting with a guy over the television remote, but then I figured, who wants to look at some guy? Or a remote? Or this stone-cold hottie with her clothes on? She wouldn't pose nude though, so the above is what we ended up with. The book should be available within the week, so keep checking back to learn how to score a FREE copy. Meanwhile, coming soon to this very blog, some actual content. Watch for it.

P.S. Yeah, I fucking hit it.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Dear Dog Owners...

In the future, feel free to simply refer to the following indignant speeches by number:

The "I am not responsible for anything my dog does" speech (#1)

The "Everyone who doesn't love my dog as much as I do is a bad person" speech (#2)

The "My dog is everyone else's responsibility" speech (#3)

The "I didn't see her go or I would have picked it up" speech (#4)

The "He doesn't bite, your kid must have done something to him" speech (#5)

The "You don't like dogs? What are you, a nigger?" speech (#6) (Note: this also doubles as Racist Speech #3.)

Hopefully this will save us all a lot of time. Thank you.

P.S. Your dog fucking sucks. And so do you.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Jason Takes Canada will always be the worst Friday the 13th movie, even if they eventually make one where he has to disguise himself as a British nanny in order to spend more time with his kids. This flick shows so much disdain for its audience (which isn't exactly discriminating in the first place) that I'm surprised the guy who made it doesn't get punched in the face by horror movie fans everywhere he goes. I guess it's a good thing nobody knows who he is. Ha ha! Anyway, Jason comes back this time after getting the Jaws 2 treatment from an underwater electrical cable, which kills sharks but apparently brings serial killers back to life. (cf. Wes Craven's Shocker. Or better yet, don't.) After a pair of practice kills to make sure he's still got it, he stows away on a cruise ship, which, naturally, is crawling with teenage idiots. "This voyage is doomed," says one deckhand just before they cast off. If you're so sure of this, why don't you jump ship while you've got the chance, moron? Even if you're wrong, everyone else can do without your bad fucking attitude.

So, some lackluster murders ensue (seriously, Finding Nemo had better gore), Jason's ghost hassles the main chick (because apparently there's two of him now - a zombie slasher and a ghost), and eventually a handful of folks pile into a lifeboat to escape, totally abandoning several of their friends who are waiting in the ship's restaurant. ("There is no more restaurant," says the main kid when someone points this out. Since we never saw anything happen to the restaurant or the people there, I guess this is just his way of saying "Fuck them." What a dick.) Eventually everyone, including Jason, ends up in New York, at which point you'd think this movie would finally get good. No dice though. Instead, it's just an endless turd rope of obvious (Jason attacked by street punks), lazy (the good guys also attacked by street punks), and stupid (pretty much everything else). The absolute worst though is the pinhead, fuck-you ending where the New York City sewer system is randomly flushed with toxic waste for no reason whatsoever (because this happens), conveniently killing both Jasons once and for all until Part 9.

Oh well, at least now we know that ghosts are susceptible to toxic waste. Noises in your attic? I think you know what to do. Bonus: works on raccoons, too.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Story of Mankind - Supplemental

In one of this film's many historical inaccuracies, Joan of Arc is put on trial by Santa Claus:

Read the entire review in my book, 66.6 Absurd Movies about the Devil, available on Amazon.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Jump5: All the Time in the World (2002)

All the time in the world? These brats should consider themselves lucky if someone allotted them that fifteen minutes they're always talking about. For those of you who are fortunate enough not to know, Jump5 are:

Britney! She needs to eat a sandwich!

Chris! He's a total fag!

Libby! Please, smack her across the face!

Brandon! Dork alert!

Lesley! She... actually, I would totally hit that. How old are these kids again?

As you can imagine, this tape is your typical puff-piece ripoff. There's one music video (full disclosure: the song's really not that bad), tell-nothing interviews with the band (to their credit, none of them seem to be total retards), another song performed – heh – "live" (this one does suck), some half-assed "making of" horseshit, and that's pretty much it. If you need a gag gift for your friend who's into grindcore, or a real gift for your friend who's into being a pedophile, this might be just what the monkey ordered, but other than that the only value this tape has is as blackmail when you find it in someone's attic ten years from now. Hey, if that person's a guy, it could be worth a hundred bucks, easy.

Friday, June 1, 2012

The Stay Awake (1987)

Okay, why would the ghost of an American serial killer travel all the way to Europe to terrorize a Catholic girls' school? Okay, it sounds like I just answered my own question, but in the very first scene this guy swore he'd return from the grave to seek vengeance on the children of the people who sent him to the gas chamber, so seeing that this rare opportunity has actually presented itself I think he should seize the opportunity before he goes flying off overseas looking for a good time. Serves him right that there's only a handful of girls on campus when he shows up, and, when you average them out, they aren't even all that hot. (I think the chick with the eyebrows is the one who's really throwing off the curve here - bitch looks like a goddamned Romulan.) So where is everybody? I missed it if they told us, but I think it's safe to assume that they all went home for some goofy European holiday, like Guy Fawkes Day or some shit, leaving behind only the girls whose parents can't stand the sight of them. Ha ha! I'm kidding, hopefully. Actually, the girls who stuck around are holding a "stay awake" to raise funds for the school, which I assume is an activity wherein you stay awake and this somehow produces money. So what does one do during a stay awake? Well, they watch a scary movie, sneak some smokes, play a prank on their chaperone, and, since they do have an entire gymnasium handy, play a little volleyball. None of the girls seems very enthusiastic about any of this though, until the chaperone suggests that they hit the showers, at which point they become absolutely giddy and holy shit I think we are on the verge of an honest-to-goddamned Catholic schoolgirl lesbian orgy here! Yes! Yes! Yes! For once, a movie --- -- - [I'm sorry, it is now 12:01, and as of 06/01/12 your selection THE STAY AWAKE is no longer available for instant streaming. Netflix apologizes for any inconvenience. May we suggest STAYING ALIVE instead?]
For more haunting reviews, check out my new book, Legendary House of Haunted Hell. Available for the Kindle, only on Amazon. Don't have a Kindle? Download Amazon's free Kindle app!