Friday, June 15, 2012

Dear Dog Owners...

In the future, feel free to simply refer to the following indignant speeches by number:

The "I am not responsible for anything my dog does" speech (#1)

The "Everyone who doesn't love my dog as much as I do is a bad person" speech (#2)

The "My dog is everyone else's responsibility" speech (#3)

The "I didn't see her go or I would have picked it up" speech (#4)

The "He doesn't bite, your kid must have done something to him" speech (#5)

The "You don't like dogs? What are you, a nigger?" speech (#6) (Note: this also doubles as Racist Speech #3.)

Hopefully this will save us all a lot of time. Thank you.

P.S. Your dog fucking sucks. And so do you.


  1. Sadly these comments work just as well for cat owners. Just substitute "claw" for "bite" on #5.

    1. True, but cats tend to stay out of your way after you kick 'em once or twice, so they're a lot less annoying. For my money the best household companion is a 16-year-old runaway who hates her father, but if you MUST own an animal low-maintenance is best. Give me a pet that only eats once a year any day.