Monday, August 25, 2014

The Goonies 'R' Not Good Enough

Spielberg: "So here's the basic idea: it's like Indiana Jones, but for kids. We'll cast Rudy, Short Round, the dirty Corey, and some fat-ass as the core group (I know some of those references refer to movies that haven't even been produced yet, just bear with me here), plus an older kid so parents don't freak out, and a couple of teenage chicks for the dads to ogle. We'll make one just straight-up pants-wetting hot, and her friend more stealth-hot. So these kids are all gonna have to move soon because, I dunno, some nonsense. Maybe because of eminent domain, or... the local country club is expanding! That's it: asshole rich people. Like Caddyshack. So they decide to have one final adventure together after they find a map to pirate treasure that just happens to be hidden in the main kid's attic, except it turns out the map and the pirates and the treasure are real. Lots of people have tried to find it, but none of them were plucky kids with no frame of reference for finding the treasure or any experience whatsoever, so of course our kids are the ones who figure it all out. First though, they have to get past these crooks, who are camped out right over the treasure site. The crooks catch them snooping around, but after they watch one crook torment his mutant, deformed, retarded brother by singing to him in Italian, the crooks forget why they grabbed the kids in the first place and just let them go. The kids sneak back in to look for the treasure, but... Wait, you know what? The crooks should catch one of the kids. We'll make it the fat one. Fat kids don't run so fast. So anyway, they catch the fat kid but the other kids make it into this underground labyrinth that's like Indiana Jones meets, oh, I dunno? Dungeons & Dragons? Kids still like that shit, right? I put it in E.T. so they must. When shit starts to get heavy some of the kids balk and want to escape, and in one part I think it would be great if they bang on some pipes in an attempt to summon help and the pipes are connected to the very country club that's running the kids out. Then one of the country club toilets could explode in a geyser of water and put the head of the guy who's sitting on it comically through the ceiling! And hey, maybe it's even someone who was a jerk to the kids earlier! Classic! Regardless, our main kid delivers a big pep talk so everyone decides to forge ahead after all and despite several deathtraps -- like Indy, again -- they finally find the treasure. Wow! But then the crooks find them and it looks like all is lost until the mutant shows up and saves the day! Why? Well, he previously bonded with the fat kid over candy because -- ha ha! -- that kid is just so fat, right? Anyway, we'll throw in an octopus attack (if it doesn't work we can always edit it out, while failing to edit out later dialogue referring to it), some mild racism, maybe have a scene where the hot chick tongues down one of the younger kids... What's that called? Pedo-something? I'll look it up. At any rate, in the end there's lots of special effects and maybe something falls down and it seems like they've lost the treasure forever, but then they didn't and everyone's home is saved even though that really doesn't make any sense when you consider even a tiny percentage of the legal issues that would ensue. Oh, and at the very end the pirate ship lifts anchor and sails dramatically away because, fuck it, ghosts. Or the power of magic. Some bullshit. What do you think?"

Studio: "Yeah. That sounds great, Steven. Let's maybe have someone else direct this one, okay?"

Above: The real reason this movie is so fondly remembered.
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