Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Poltergeist (2015)

Of all the classic Steven Spielburger movies, far and away the most overrated is fucking Poltergeist. Not that it doesn't have some good shit in it, but there's a point somewhere around the middle where it just totally loses its mind and stops making any goddamned sense whatsoever. So yeah, remake that bitch and let's see what happens. How bad could it be? And as it turns out this is a perfectly serviceable haunted house movie. Sure, it's not as good as the original, but frankly it's not that much worse either. They do sell some of it way too hard (everything to do with the tree), but the dumbest bits from the original (like the crawling steak) have been excised completely and if you ask me most of the scary parts in this remake work. Frankly, the only major problem with this version is the family who's getting poltergeisted. In the original they were all pretty likable, you know, for white people. Here though, not so much. The dad, for example, is a jerk, but he's one of those subtle jerks that you want to punch the second you meet but you're not exactly sure why. Guys like him never beat their kids and rarely cheat on their wives, but they think about it a lot. They usually watch too much football. The wife is far from ugly but isn't good-looking either, and has the personality of paste. She's the kind of woman you forget you once had sex with while you're still having the sex with her. The little boy, realistically annoying in the original, is taken to an extreme here. He's such a detestable sissy-bitch that you'll be praying for him to actually get eaten by the tree this time. Or the clown puppet. Or anything, really. Hell, if he just died from meningitis or something that would be fine with me. The two daughters are okay though, especially the teenager. Yum. You probably knew I was going to say that, didn't you?

                     Kndra: Rents out. Brats sleepin. Cum over an lets fuck
                     MrS: Cant. Watching Poltergeist
                     Kndra: New or old?
                     MrS: New
                     Kndra: Im breaking up w you
All the shit with the power lines and the static electricity and the electronics operating on their own reminded me of original Poltergeist ripoff Pulse (1988). (This is not a good thing.) The hands in the TV are creepy. The scene with the maxed-out credit cards is good, even if it belongs in the Amityville Horror remake more than it belongs here. The bit with the comic books is heavy-handed, stupid, and, thanks to Ghostbusters ("No human being would stack books like this."), instantly mockable. Whoever dreamed up that scene must have a pop culture awareness level of zero. The dead flowers would've been a nice, subtle touch, if the dad didn't blatantly acknowledge them, completely ruining the effect. The teenage daughter has a fantastic ass. "We're gonna get in big trouble!" was perfect, exactly the reaction a child would have. I was happy to see Jane Adams show up. I've always wanted to fuck her. The dad pukes up worms immediately after drinking some hooch, as if to say "Remember Poltergeist II? This is better than Poltergeist II, right?" The drill scene isn't bad. Their use of the drone was a clever update. I didn't get the end; are they just not going to live in a house ever again? Never thought I'd hear a Cramps song in a Spielberg movie. Okay, it's a cover of a Cramps song, but this is a remake of a Spielberg movie, so close enough.

Yes, there's no defensible reason for Poltergeist 2015 to exist, but, ultimately, there's no real reason to be upset about it either. If you're a Spielberg fan what you should really be worrying about is this: Which classic Steven Spielberg movie will they remake next?
Read about more cinematic haunted houses here.