Friday, November 30, 2012

Three short films by Jeremiah Kipp

Every once in a while some clown e-mails me and asks me to review his online movie(s), like I don't have anything better to do than watch some dipwit and his idiot friends hit each other with sticks in the woods behind their housing development. My real issue with reviewing online movies though is that they're usually pretty short, which means that there's really not a whole lot to say about them, and like it or lump it I get paid by the keyword, and "tits" only counts the first six times I type it. Tits. This Jeremiah Kipp cat played it smart though, because one of the movies he wanted me to check out stars scream queen Deneen Melody, who is not only balls hot, but whom I've actually hung out with and kind of like. She's the only girl I've ever met who's seen The Flight of Dragons. So okay, fine, Jeremiah Kipp, if that is your real name (it probably is), I'll watch your little films. There better be some tits in them though.

Crestfallen (2011)

Deneen Melody's hubby leaves her for an inferior chick and takes their daughter with him... I guess so the kid can run around the apartment screaming and throwing peas while he's trying to bang his new piece? Seriously dude, if you're gonna be a player, play the game right. Anyway, this prompts Deneen to slit her wrists in the bathtub, which is definitely a waste of some serious prime, not to mention kind of depressing. Still, we do get a nice look at her rack and her ass in the process, so that alone makes this like the third or fourth best movie I've ever seen. The only problem is that you could say the same thing about any movie featuring Deneen Melody’s tits and/or ass. In fact, I'll bet if you edited a few shots of Deneen Melody's tits into The Day the Clown Cried, it would totally be releasable. I'd almost call it a crutch, but that has negative connotations and I don't want to discourage anyone from featuring a naked Deneen Melody in their movie in the future, so instead of "crutch" let's go with the phrase "really good idea". Deneen Melody: 10 out of 10. Movie: I didn't notice.

Contact (2009)

A black dude getting high with a topless white chick? If I wanted to see that, I'd go down to the park where all the liberals hang out. The chick ultimately freaks out so badly you'd think someone told her parents about the black guy, she imagines that half of her face has been torn off, and we see her final thought before she completely succumbs to the tragedy of black men and drugs. Seriously, isn't that kind of racist? Caucasian guys have been known to lead chicks astray too, you know. Especially those fucking Italians. Movie: 3 out of 10. Black People: 8 out of 10, with extra props for inventing the blues.

Drool (2011)

I kid you not, it's just two people drooling, literally drooling, all over the place. Maybe they just watched Crestfallen and are reacting to Deneen Melody naked. Irregardless, I don't get it at all (possible explanation: art), and, to quote Dan Crowley, "That makes it stupid in my opinion." Movie: 1 out of 10. Dan Crowley: 0 out of 10 (seriously, he's a fucking idiot).

Welp, there you have it, three short films by Jeremiah Kipp. Honestly, people, you need to stop sending me this stuff. Tits.
For more reviews that tell it how it is (and let's face it, it usually sucks) check out one of my many books, available on Amazon, and possibly other places, I don't keep track of that shit. But definitely Amazon.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

505 Unbelievably Stupid Web Pages (2nd Edition), By Dan Crowley (2007)

Okay, before anyone asks the obvious question, no, my blog is not listed in this book. And fuck you.

Now that that's cleared up, let me start by saying that the cat who wrote this is a complete fucking tool. He isn't funny, he's more out-of-touch than your parents, and he seems to think that calling something weird when it's obviously meant to be weird is like this huge revelation and he's some sort of genius for pointing it out. Imagine a really square old dude making fun of "those crazy kids" and laughing at his own jokes while everyone else just stares at him because he doesn't have a fucking clue what he's talking about and you'll understand what reading this book is like. The first time my grandma surfed the Internet she sort of had this guy's attitude (except her comments were funnier), but she got over it after a day or so. Because she's not a goddamned idiot.

Don't take my word for it though. Let's check out some of Dan Crowley's brilliant observations:

This site is extremely stupid...

This site is so stupid...

I am very confused about this one. That makes it stupid in my opinion.

These videos are stupid...

Tomatoes are stupid.

Wow, what wordplay. What insight. Look out, Mark Twain!

As if his cretinous, obvious comments aren't enough, he also rates every website for "abnormality", "stupidity", and "entertainment", not that his ratings are consistent or have any meaning whatsoever. Like, how is a site that tells you what your phone number spells (which could actually be useful if you wanted to request the number BIG-DICK or something) "stupider" than a site that claims Santa Claus is the Devil? Seriously, Crowley, you fucking suck. I think I'm going to borrow your rating system to rate your book:


Do the world a favor and never write anything again. Unless it's a suicide note.
Want to read a book that doesn't suck shit? Consider one of mine.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Adventures of Susan Appel

So the other day I was digging through a big box of loose DVDs at the close-out store when I came across two recordable discs with the following written on them:

"The Price is Right" about 79/80 w/Susan Appel

The Love Connection w/Susan Appel about 1985

Since I was fairly certain that Susan Appel isn't anyone famous, naturally my first question was this: I wonder if she's hot? Was it worth 99 cents per disc to find out? Of course not, so while my girlfriend and her BFF distracted the sales guy by pretending to be dumb and having tits, I stole them.

Okay, so they weren't exactly pretending.
As it turned out, the beginning of the Price is Right disc was legitimately suspenseful, because not one of the first four audience members selected to play was actually Susan Appel. Two of the initial female contestants were pretty cute though, and I couldn't help but wonder if alleged sex maniac Bob Barker managed to molest either of them. That's not a slam on Bob; if I were in his shoes I would've molested every hottie who came on down, and if they raised hell later I'd just pay them off with some spare bedroom sets, possibly the very ones I molested them on in the first place. Because irony, not unlike using your second-tier celebrity status to coerce people into sex, never goes out of style.

You know what's really in that bag? You've seen the movie Diner, right?
Anyway, after a black guy fails to correctly determine the cost of several common grocery items (I think he was confused because all the prices were based on cash, not food stamps. Ha ha!) and one of the cuties wins a car, Susan finally makes her appearance, and holy shit she's a fucking babe:

My god. You can't tell from this grab, but she has great tits too. As the show progressed Susan and her tits managed to win a fridge, but I guess her luck ran out by the time they spun the Big Wheel because that's where the program suddenly cuts off. Seriously, whoever, you couldn't burn the entire episode? I wanted to see who won the Showcase Showdown.

I'm guessing it was this chick, because she was winning everything, despite the fact
that she looks like she's kinda baked. Letting Bob get to third base had its privileges.

I know what you're wondering at this point: did Susan have better luck making a love connection? Sadly, the answer is yes. And I say "sadly" because it was with this fucking goob:

Seriously? That bald dork got a chance with Susan fucking Appel and I didn't? I'm really starting to hate the 1980s. Even worse, Love Connection was a pretty tame show by today's standards, so there's no arguing or fighting, Susan never takes her top off or starts spontaneously pole dancing, and even when the couple innocently mentions that Susan "got wet" on their first date, the host doesn't take the bait. Trashy TV really was a different animal pre-Springer, which is why, when someone I'm talking to refers to the "Golden Age of Television", I almost always slap them or at least try to sleep with their wife.

So, what have we gained from all this? Well, we already knew that The Love Connection sucked and The Price is Right is boring, consumerist propaganda, so that's a wash. And Susan, hot as she was in the 1980s, is like grandma age now. The host of Love Connection does mention that Susan has a teenage daughter, but even she would be in her forties by this point, and tracking down any theoretical twentyish granddaughter solely on the basis of two game shows aired a decade before she was born would probably just lead to the passing of some new, especially bizarre stalking legislation. Best to drop the whole thing now, before the authorities get involved.

If I ever perfect my time machine though, I am so asking 1979 Susan to go disco dancing.

Hey, she's obviously said yes to worse.
For more stories about hot women making bad choices, check out my book Lifetime Movies... for Men, on sale here.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Ask the Answer Man!

There was no internet in the 1970s, so if you wanted to know what Batman's middle name was or how many times Superman had faked out Lois Lane after promising to marry her, your only choice was to buy every DC comic book ever made until you found the answer. Actually, there was one other option: you could "Ask the Answer Man". The Answer Man was this amazing cat who knew everything about DC comics, and every month he would answer any question about them that you sent in, no matter how obscure or ridiculous. Here's some 100% real examples I took from a bunch of old DC comics I keep in the bathroom:

Q: How much is BATMAN FAMILY #13 worth?--Todd Goode. A: 25¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is OUR ARMY AT WAR #202 worth?--Parky Farmer. A: 30¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is DETECTIVE COMICS #359 worth?--Mike Roche. A: In good condition, 30¢.

Q: How much are DC COMICS PRESENTS #'s 1 and 2 worth?--Scott Smith. A: 20¢ each in good condition.

Q: How much is BATMAN FAMILY #3 worth?--Greg Wong. A: 30¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is LOIS LANE #112 worth?--Greg Wong. A: 20¢ in good condition.

Huh. Well, irregardless, the Answer Man was still pretty cool. I guess.

The 100 Best Movies Ever Made... Mostly Suck. And here's the proof.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Do you dare eat...

...the giant gummi grub?

Zaat (1972)

This guy is trying to turn himself into a giant walking catfish, and let me tell you aspiring mad scientists, that is no way to get laid. The process he's using seems pretty complicated, but he's keeping track of it all with this huge hand-drawn diagram that looks like one of those crazy end-times prophecy charts that your loonier Christians will hang on the wall, right next to the picture of them meeting Pat Robertson and their poster about Jesus not leaving enough footprints in the sand. So, our boy marks his progress, dumps some crazy formula into his submersion tank, lowers himself in, and - Presto! - he's NOT a giant walking catfish. He has turned into some kind of a monster though, and apparently that's good enough for him. The very first thing the monster does is check "Self Transformation" off his daily planner (I'm not kidding, he really does do this), and the next step is, naturally, going on a murderous, pharmacy-trashing, blood-drinking rampage. Oh, and along the way he kidnaps a bikini babe and tries to turn her into a monster too. See, he is doing this to meet women. I knew it.

The locals already think the sheriff is a "nigger lover" because he once fell asleep watching TV and woke up halfway through a rerun of Sanford and Son, so with nothing left to lose he allows for the scientist who's on the case to call in the Fisher-Price Adventure People, and their Daredevil Sport RV.

The Ad-ven-ture Peo-ple!

...and their daredevil Sport RV!
Adventure Girl has one of the most astounding pairs of legs I've ever seen, but other than that the two of them aren't good for much and by the time it's all over nearly everyone of note is dead. In addition to the expected monster attacks and lumbering, there's also a body disposed of in acid; a hippie music video (I hate to admit this, but the song isn't too bad); Adventure Girl teasing us with a titless shower scene (TSS); a snake attack; and the slowest, clumsiest thrilling climax ever. Not to mention a ridiculously dark ending for such a corny movie. It's stark raving retarded.
More movie reviews at a bargain price here.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

The Falling (1985)

Hey, it's Bibi from For Your Eyes Only! You may remember her as the only Bond girl James Bond ever refused to fuck, even though she's deliriously fine, and even though he dipped James Bond Jr. in friggin' Grace Jones just two movies later. On purpose. I swear, he must have been in the middle of a particularly vicious feud with his own penis or something.

In this flick Bibi and her two friends get stranded in a town full of alien parasites that spread by spewing, and once you're infected you go slowly insane until the fully-grown alien finally explodes out of your face. That's all good stuff, but there's just way too much dead time between the cool parts; they could've easily tripled the number of crazy person encounters, alien attacks, and exploding faces and this movie still wouldn't be anywhere near out of control. The little alien monsters are super cool and Bibi's bod is super molestable, so if you can live with the fact that we don't see enough of either one of them I suppose this movie is worth checking out. I wouldn't bother adding it to your bridal registry or anything though.
Click here to buy my book on Lifetime movies, so I can eat.

Ek Aur Aatank (2005)

A lot happens in this movie, but it's mostly incomprehensible since the damn thing is in Indian (7-11, not casino) and who the hell speaks Indian? As near as I can figure it, this is the setup: a baby is born on the wrong side of the tracks (I think his pop even got run over by the train), the cops are totally corrupt, and there's a helicopter. And now we're going back in time to see how it all came about... How all what came about, you ask? Rest assured, that's not necessary information, because when it comes to world cinema two things are universal: the meet cute, and the part where horrific violence is perpetrated by one human being against another.

Racism and sexual innuendo are also appreciated.
The meet cute occurs when the main guy asks this girl at the library for a book called I Love You and she thinks he's propositioning her. The violence occurs a little later, when our main guy gorily beats the shit out of some right bastards, including one cat he punches right through the goddamned windshield of a car. He does his time, gets released, marries his girl, and it seems like his past is behind him, until the bad guys return and kick his fat, comedic-relief friend's mom in the face. The face-kicker is quickly decapitated by the main guy, the bad guys retaliate by cutting a child's arm off, and our main guy and his friends respond to this by somehow acquiring enough financing to beat, machete, bribe, stab, stomp, rob, and shoot everyone in sight. Plus, singing and dancing! (Actually, this flick is pretty light on the singing and dancing. It must be the New Bollywood.) Finally the pigs decide that the good guys' orgy of vigilante justice must be stopped. "Nobody is over the law!" the head cop declares (in English). Well, except for the police, apparently, who spend the next several scenes shooting unarmed suspects in the back. This movie is too damn long (it's like a Bollywood Once Upon a Time in America, except, you know, without the America) and a lot of it is pretty boring, but there is some gory violence, and the occasional cool scene, so if you must watch a movie with a lot of fighting in it that you know you're not going to understand, and you don't have access to the Matrix sequels, you could do a lot worse.
For more awesome movie reviews, check out Mr. Satanism's Horror-nasium, available here.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Maddox was right

Saw this child's painting displayed in a public building the other day. It's called "Traditions". Apparently, their family tradition is pissing in the river. And it looks like junior has a bit of a bladder infection there. Acceptable composition for a third grader, but the subject matter is completely inappropriate. F.