Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Adventures of Susan Appel

So the other day I was digging through a big box of loose DVDs at the close-out store when I came across two recordable discs with the following written on them:

"The Price is Right" about 79/80 w/Susan Appel

The Love Connection w/Susan Appel about 1985

Since I was fairly certain that Susan Appel isn't anyone famous, naturally my first question was this: I wonder if she's hot? Was it worth 99 cents per disc to find out? Of course not, so while my girlfriend and her BFF distracted the sales guy by pretending to be dumb and having tits, I stole them.

Okay, so they weren't exactly pretending.
As it turned out, the beginning of the Price is Right disc was legitimately suspenseful, because not one of the first four audience members selected to play was actually Susan Appel. Two of the initial female contestants were pretty cute though, and I couldn't help but wonder if alleged sex maniac Bob Barker managed to molest either of them. That's not a slam on Bob; if I were in his shoes I would've molested every hottie who came on down, and if they raised hell later I'd just pay them off with some spare bedroom sets, possibly the very ones I molested them on in the first place. Because irony, not unlike using your second-tier celebrity status to coerce people into sex, never goes out of style.

You know what's really in that bag? You've seen the movie Diner, right?
Anyway, after a black guy fails to correctly determine the cost of several common grocery items (I think he was confused because all the prices were based on cash, not food stamps. Ha ha!) and one of the cuties wins a car, Susan finally makes her appearance, and holy shit she's a fucking babe:

My god. You can't tell from this grab, but she has great tits too. As the show progressed Susan and her tits managed to win a fridge, but I guess her luck ran out by the time they spun the Big Wheel because that's where the program suddenly cuts off. Seriously, whoever, you couldn't burn the entire episode? I wanted to see who won the Showcase Showdown.

I'm guessing it was this chick, because she was winning everything, despite the fact
that she looks like she's kinda baked. Letting Bob get to third base had its privileges.

I know what you're wondering at this point: did Susan have better luck making a love connection? Sadly, the answer is yes. And I say "sadly" because it was with this fucking goob:

Seriously? That bald dork got a chance with Susan fucking Appel and I didn't? I'm really starting to hate the 1980s. Even worse, Love Connection was a pretty tame show by today's standards, so there's no arguing or fighting, Susan never takes her top off or starts spontaneously pole dancing, and even when the couple innocently mentions that Susan "got wet" on their first date, the host doesn't take the bait. Trashy TV really was a different animal pre-Springer, which is why, when someone I'm talking to refers to the "Golden Age of Television", I almost always slap them or at least try to sleep with their wife.

So, what have we gained from all this? Well, we already knew that The Love Connection sucked and The Price is Right is boring, consumerist propaganda, so that's a wash. And Susan, hot as she was in the 1980s, is like grandma age now. The host of Love Connection does mention that Susan has a teenage daughter, but even she would be in her forties by this point, and tracking down any theoretical twentyish granddaughter solely on the basis of two game shows aired a decade before she was born would probably just lead to the passing of some new, especially bizarre stalking legislation. Best to drop the whole thing now, before the authorities get involved.

If I ever perfect my time machine though, I am so asking 1979 Susan to go disco dancing.

Hey, she's obviously said yes to worse.
For more stories about hot women making bad choices, check out my book Lifetime Movies... for Men, on sale here.

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