Friday, November 30, 2012

Three short films by Jeremiah Kipp

Every once in a while some clown e-mails me and asks me to review his online movie(s), like I don't have anything better to do than watch some dipwit and his idiot friends hit each other with sticks in the woods behind their housing development. My real issue with reviewing online movies though is that they're usually pretty short, which means that there's really not a whole lot to say about them, and like it or lump it I get paid by the keyword, and "tits" only counts the first six times I type it. Tits. This Jeremiah Kipp cat played it smart though, because one of the movies he wanted me to check out stars scream queen Deneen Melody, who is not only balls hot, but whom I've actually hung out with and kind of like. She's the only girl I've ever met who's seen The Flight of Dragons. So okay, fine, Jeremiah Kipp, if that is your real name (it probably is), I'll watch your little films. There better be some tits in them though.

Crestfallen (2011)

Deneen Melody's hubby leaves her for an inferior chick and takes their daughter with him... I guess so the kid can run around the apartment screaming and throwing peas while he's trying to bang his new piece? Seriously dude, if you're gonna be a player, play the game right. Anyway, this prompts Deneen to slit her wrists in the bathtub, which is definitely a waste of some serious prime, not to mention kind of depressing. Still, we do get a nice look at her rack and her ass in the process, so that alone makes this like the third or fourth best movie I've ever seen. The only problem is that you could say the same thing about any movie featuring Deneen Melody’s tits and/or ass. In fact, I'll bet if you edited a few shots of Deneen Melody's tits into The Day the Clown Cried, it would totally be releasable. I'd almost call it a crutch, but that has negative connotations and I don't want to discourage anyone from featuring a naked Deneen Melody in their movie in the future, so instead of "crutch" let's go with the phrase "really good idea". Deneen Melody: 10 out of 10. Movie: I didn't notice.

Contact (2009)

A black dude getting high with a topless white chick? If I wanted to see that, I'd go down to the park where all the liberals hang out. The chick ultimately freaks out so badly you'd think someone told her parents about the black guy, she imagines that half of her face has been torn off, and we see her final thought before she completely succumbs to the tragedy of black men and drugs. Seriously, isn't that kind of racist? Caucasian guys have been known to lead chicks astray too, you know. Especially those fucking Italians. Movie: 3 out of 10. Black People: 8 out of 10, with extra props for inventing the blues.

Drool (2011)

I kid you not, it's just two people drooling, literally drooling, all over the place. Maybe they just watched Crestfallen and are reacting to Deneen Melody naked. Irregardless, I don't get it at all (possible explanation: art), and, to quote Dan Crowley, "That makes it stupid in my opinion." Movie: 1 out of 10. Dan Crowley: 0 out of 10 (seriously, he's a fucking idiot).

Welp, there you have it, three short films by Jeremiah Kipp. Honestly, people, you need to stop sending me this stuff. Tits.
For more reviews that tell it how it is (and let's face it, it usually sucks) check out one of my many books, available on Amazon, and possibly other places, I don't keep track of that shit. But definitely Amazon.