Monday, January 26, 2015

A Chronology on Elm Street, Part 2


Freddy's Nightmares:
A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Series:
"Sister's Keeper"

Okay, so that guy in our previous installment who led the mob in burning Freddy alive, only to become his first (or possibly second) dream victim? There was a reason he was so aggressive about getting rid of Freddy Krueger: his hot, blonde, twin daughters were next on Freddy's hit list, and now that Freddy's a killer dream ghost, they still are. I guess it takes Fred a while to power up at this point though, because a decent amount of time seems to have passed since their pop's death, long enough for the more stable of the two to be pretty much over it. The other one keeps having dreams about Freddy though, and when she gets hurt in these dreams it's her sister who feels it. This, of course, is based on the old myth that if you, say, fuck one twin, the other one will also have an orgasm. (Actually, if you were fucking her neither one of them would have an orgasm, but you get what I mean.)


Freddy does a good job of playing the sisters off against each other for a while (classic), but eventually they're both on the same page and decide to enter their shared dream and confront him together. Unfortunately, their brilliant plan ("We'll just wish him away!") doesn't work, and their double-dose of hotness is immediately reduced to a solo act. It's always tragic when a tasty piece ass is abruptly pulled off the market like that, but I take some consolation in the fact that it's the stable sister who ultimately gets whacked. Given a choice, I always prefer to date the crazy twin.
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Monday, January 19, 2015

A Chronology on Elm Street, Part 1


Freddy's Nightmares:
A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Series:
"No More Mr. Nice Guy"

Wow, you know what that title needs? More colons. So yeah, Freddy Krueger's journey begins here, in this prequel to the first movie that ran as the first episode of his (mostly retarded) anthology TV series. It opens at his pretrial hearing, where he stands accused of murdering several children. He gets off on a technically even faster than I get off watching a Katy Perry video though, and, having clearly dodged a bullet through sheer chance and an unbelievable stroke of luck, he decides to lay low, immediately killing a cop. Wait, what? I was about to point out that this is the worst possible thing he could do (investigating the murder of one of their own is just about the only time the pigs actually do their jobs), but the cop in question, and his gruesome slaying, are never mentioned again. His fellow officers must have really hated him, huh? Beyond this Freddy seems poised to pick up his life right where he left off, even resuming his job as an ice cream truck driver, although I can't imagine he'll get very much business now. There's one thing he didn't count on though: a call for street justice! Why should parents cry? Call for street justice! How many have to die? (Lyrics by Twisted Sister.) In service of this, a lynch mob tracks Freddy down and sets him on fire, although even as he burns alive he seems remarkably unconcerned about the situation. It's almost as if he knows that this will transform him into an unstoppable dream ghost. Alternate theory: lazy writing and characterization.


From here we're in pretty familiar territory: the ringleader of the vigilante group starts having nightmares, other people who were involved turn up dead, dreams and reality become hella confused, and by the time Freddy is drilling the ringleader's face off that poor bastard has no idea what's going on. There's also a nicely surreal opening bit featuring a news anchor, and while they couldn't get away with any nudity at least they grace us with a wholly gratuitous image of a hottie in her underwear. Pretty subdued compared to later episodes of this show, and reasonably well done, despite some stupid mistakes. (They really should've used a fan to blow that lingering fog off the courtroom set when the narrative switched back to "reality".) It's probably not worth seeking out on its own, but it would make a nice bonus on a future A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) DVD or Blu-ray. You know, if people still bought those.
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Wednesday, January 7, 2015

So... which psychotic, vengeance-crazed teenage girl would YOU ask to the prom?

Carrie White (Carrie - 1976)
 
 
Susan Bradley (Kiss of the Tarantula - 1976)


Jennifer Baylor (Jennifer - 1978)


Rachel Lang (The Rage: Carrie 2 - 1999)


Carrie White (Carrie - 2002)


Carrie White (Carrie - 2013)

It's a tough call, but I think I'd have to go with Rachel. There are no wrong answers though, so defend your choice in the comments section below.
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I write books about horror movies. The least you could do is buy them.