Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

Okay, so I finally broke down and watched one of these "Parahomo Activity" movies. Why? One word: this chick:

God damn is she fine. And, when you think about it, why not start with Part 4? I'm sure they're all exactly the same anyway, and the only way Part fucking 4 is going to contain any surprises whatsoever is if you watch it first, so why not do that and be the only non-retarded person on Earth with any chance in hell of enjoying it? Fortunately, Blonde Hotness is in virtually every scene, and sometimes she's wearing shorts, which makes this slog at least 100% more tolerable than it otherwise would have been. Too bad 100% of zero is still zero.

It's like being right there with her. In bed. With her.
As always with these miserable lost & found footage movies, I constantly found myself asking why the characters were even filming some of this stuff, like the little kid taking his bath, for example. "You won't believe it! I unwittingly caught footage of an honest-to-fuck ghost while making my child pornography! Wait, why are you handcuffing me?"

"Ohmigod, it's HUGE!"
To be fair, the conceit this time is that all the computers in the house are recording shit unbeknownst to most of the cast, so it's not quite as contrived as it sounds. But still, who lets their kid use a laptop in the bathtub? Oh, and I love how at the very end the main chick, in the midst of a sudden, violent attack by supernatural horror paranormal activity, stops to locate and power up a video camera before fleeing the house to seek help. Talk about fifty shades of duh. Paramoron Activity 4 is boring, it's unrealistic (even in the confines of a movie about crazy possessed bitches and killer ghosts), and it's not scary at all, unless you're generous enough to count the final shot, which would be a corker if it made any damn sense whatsoever. And while I'm sure she appreciated the paycheck, I think our lovely main chick will agree with me when I say that... Hey, what are you doing, toots? That's my...

Yes, yes, YES! Review's over. Nothing to see here.
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Monday, November 11, 2013

Accepted (2006)

What the fuck-hell has happened to college comedies? They used to be full of property destruction, drinking, vomiting, shenanigans, and tits, but ever since the 1990's ruined everything they've almost all been completely weak. This one is about some drips who rent an old insane asylum and open a fake college, and while there are some shenanigans and destruction on display (jumping a motorbike into a swimming pool, throwing a TV out a window, explosions), not one single person vomits and worst of all there's no tits whatsoever, and when you see the licktacular little redhead who plays one of the main kids you'll understand what an insurmountable oversight that really is:

Certified licktacular. And mountable.
They manage to work in everything lame about college comedies though: the dean of a legitimate college wants to shut them down, and his assitant is a typical douchebag frat guy (defined of course as any frat guy), so even though this movie is about a fake fucking college they still find a way to work in an evil dean and an evil fraternity! Duh. And it all ends with a trial, which is one of the big cop-outs screenwriters always use when they're too untalented (or drunk) to think up an actual ending. Talk about fucking lame. Just off the top of my head I can come up with plenty of endings that would have been considerably better:
  • The school is shut down, but everyone learns a valuable lesson. And goes to jail.
  • Everybody dies (this is always a good ending)
  • The redhead can't take the suspense anymore, so she strips.
  • At the last minute, a heroic dog saves the day.
  • The Huntingtons play an impromptu concert, and the school explodes.
  • It turns out the redhead was a ghost the whole time, so she strips.
  • The fat kid becomes the Starchild.
  • Scavenger hunt!
  • James Bond rides in dressed as the King of England and orders the redhead to strip.
  • "Mr. Rusk, you're not wearing your tie."
  • The redhead gets shot, and, with her dying breath, she strips.
  • At the suggestion of Rodney Dangerfield, everybody takes a shower.
Someone needs to hire me as one of those "script doctor" guys. I'll whip everything into shape.
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