Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

Okay, so I finally broke down and watched one of these "Parahomo Activity" movies. Why? One word: this chick:

God damn is she fine. And, when you think about it, why not start with Part 4? I'm sure they're all exactly the same anyway, and the only way Part fucking 4 is going to contain any surprises whatsoever is if you watch it first, so why not do that and be the only non-retarded person on Earth with any chance in hell of enjoying it? Fortunately, Blonde Hotness is in virtually every scene, and sometimes she's wearing shorts, which makes this slog at least 100% more tolerable than it otherwise would have been. Too bad 100% of zero is still zero.

It's like being right there with her. In bed. With her.
As always with these miserable lost & found footage movies, I constantly found myself asking why the characters were even filming some of this stuff, like the little kid taking his bath, for example. "You won't believe it! I unwittingly caught footage of an honest-to-fuck ghost while making my child pornography! Wait, why are you handcuffing me?"

"Ohmigod, it's HUGE!"
To be fair, the conceit this time is that all the computers in the house are recording shit unbeknownst to most of the cast, so it's not quite as contrived as it sounds. But still, who lets their kid use a laptop in the bathtub? Oh, and I love how at the very end the main chick, in the midst of a sudden, violent attack by supernatural horror paranormal activity, stops to locate and power up a video camera before fleeing the house to seek help. Talk about fifty shades of duh. Paramoron Activity 4 is boring, it's unrealistic (even in the confines of a movie about crazy possessed bitches and killer ghosts), and it's not scary at all, unless you're generous enough to count the final shot, which would be a corker if it made any damn sense whatsoever. And while I'm sure she appreciated the paycheck, I think our lovely main chick will agree with me when I say that... Hey, what are you doing, toots? That's my...

Yes, yes, YES! Review's over. Nothing to see here.
My book on zombie movies is on sale all holiday weekend! Get it now, while it's cheap!

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