Good Men (2011)

Lou Grant and another old fuck argue for ten minutes about something that only assholes and morons believe anymore (that 9/11 was a huge conspiracy, perpetrated by the American government), and then the guy who isn't Lou Grant pisses himself. Seriously, that's it. That's all we got goin' on here. It's the kind of movie that only someone who's tasted the sweet, forbidden love of his own mother's asshole would make, and it's so fucking slight and categorically pointless that there isn't even a genre to assign it to, unless there's such a thing as "idiot porn". Honestly, what butt-sniffer still thinks that we blew up 9/11 ourselves and then covered it up with a conspiracy? Why? To start a war? Give me a fucking break. The US starts wars for no reason at all all the fucking time - orchestrating a huge conspiracy to justify it would just make the whole process needlessly complicated and be a huge waste of everyone's time. Only a knuckle-dragging pinhead would believe something like that, and only their ass-dwelling king would make yet another dumbass movie about it. If you ask me, Lou Grant should be ashamed of himself, but since he appeared in this fucking garbage he obviously has no shame, so a better option would be for him to have a stroke, and the sooner, the better. Fuck you, Lou Grant. And fuck this pile of crap.
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Want to know the truth about 9/11? Some terrorists did it. Now buy my books.

My Father's Mistress (2012)

Caught this one at the Sunscreen Film Festival in St. Petersburg, Florida, and the two cats who made it flew all the way in from Japan for the screening. Here's a funny thing though: seems they have a Japanese restraining order against one of the actresses now, and the crazy bitch actually showed up. Now that is one psychotic trick. Looking back, I kinda wish I would've hit on her.

So anyway, this cute little chippie overhears her mom arguing with the other woman, but since pop is croaking on his deathbed anyway she figures why not let the home-wrecking whore see him one last time? She chases the woman down to tell her what hospital dad is in, only to find herself rapping with the tramp and learning to move on with her own life in the process. There's an actual word for "Japanese family drama" (besides "boring", I mean) and I forget what it is, but if you like those then My Father's Mistress really is a pretty good movie. If not, then just pretend that this is all just the build-up before the Smog Monster attacks. Either way, you should definitely support these guys, because they were super cool and they flew all the way to the United States to promote their movie, and that shows real dedication. Of course, stalking two young filmmakers all the way from Japan to the United States shows some real dedication too, so following my argument to its logical conclusion I guess their whack-job former actress has my support as well. I just hope these guys make many more good movies before she kills and eats one or both of them.

The Smog Monster

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Buy my books here. Arigatou gozaimasu!

Choose Your Own Adventure 138: Dinosaur Island, By Edward Packard (1993)

If you'll read any dumb shit, go on to the next page.

If you'd rather toss this in the trash and then kick Edward Packard square in the dick, turn to page 63.

There's no denying that some of the Choose Your Own Adventure books are classics. The second one, Journey Under the Sea, for example, is fucking ill, with multiple, crazy plots and some seriously brutal endings. (IIRC, in one you end up with the bends after being ass-raped by mermen from Atlantis.) Sadly though, after a while the series really started to coast, and this one, #138 for Christ's sake, is just a lazy-ass ripoff of Jurassic Park, right down to the way the bad guy obtains the dinosaur DNA he needs to kick the whole thing off in the first place. His mind-bogglingly idiotic plan? Well, in some if not all permutations of the story it runs something like this:

1. Clone real, living dinosaurs
2. Make a movie featuring said dinosaurs, in secret, on the island where they're all contained (this movie would probably ultimately be released by the Asylum)
3. Blow up the dinosaurs so that no one else can obtain footage of them
4. Rake in one billion dollars in worldwide film rentals

Fun Fact: That was also the original script for Jurassic Park III

Oh, and did I mention the fact that the bad guy is willing to kill people in order to perpetrate this jaw-droppingly moronic, ass-backwards scheme??? Seriously, outside of the Remington Steele James Bonds, have you ever heard a megalomaniacal plan this goddamned stupid in your entire fucking life? Christ, even a child could come up with better uses for living, breathing dinosaurs (cf. various installments of Calvin and Hobbes). And as if that isn't bad enough, for a Choose Your Own Adventure this book is pretty niggardly when it comes to the chooses. Er, choices. One path, for example, is twelve pages long and you only get to make one choice along the way! Seriously, this installment is such a monumental hose job that it actually makes the copycat Time Machine series (where every choice was a winner, so as not to hurt anyone's feelings) look positively badass by comparison. It's no surprise that the kids who grew up with these books tend to cherish the early entries and even re-read them as adults, but the truth is I found this one on the floor at the thrift store, and they said I could have it for free. Seriously, Edward ass-Packard, if you were just gonna phone it in, why didn't you try choosing a new career instead?

Let's make this one little more interactive. What are your favorite (and least favorite) Choose Your Own Adventures? Bonus points for name-checking Twistaplot and/or Which Way Books.
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If you'd like to buy one of Mr. Satanism's books, turn to page 666. If you'd rather not buy one of his books, then fuck you.

Time Machine 24: World War I Flying Ace, By Richard Mueller (1988)

Okay, this book is just like a Choose Your Own Adventure™©®™, except it looks like we might have a problem before the adventure even begins:

Are you kidding me? What's the point of going back in time if you're not allowed to kill anybody or freak out the primitive dipshits in, say, medieval times or the 1970s? Next they'll be telling us we shouldn't get drunk or tap any historical ass either. Fuck that. If you ask me, there's only three rules for going back in time and here they are:

1. Don't kill anybody with the same last name as you
2. If you do anything to change the past -- even just stepping on one butterfly in dinosaur times -- the Nazis will win the war
3. Back to the Future Part III sucked ass compared to the first two

So fucking lame.

Anyway, this book wants you to find out who shot down the Red Baron (I'm pretty sure it was Snoopy, but you know historians, they always want proof and shit). So fine, I'm going back in time to solve the mystery... (You'll have to imagine the colored lights, or do like I did and drop half a tab before you start reading.) Okay, first it says I can take a pocketknife or some matches with me. How about a gun, you fucking assholes? And why can't I take both? There's seriously no room in the time machine for a pocketknife and matches? You goddamned idiots. Fine, I'll take the knife. At least then I can stab somebody in the throat if I have to. So I'm making all these choices, blah blah blah... It looks like they're trying to sneak some learning in here too, so you might want to watch out for that... Hey, they're giving me the option to go to a pub! Now that's more like it - this time travel shit is thirsty business. Now I'm at the pub and... Holy piss! The fucking Nazis are bombing it! I thought you weren't supposed to bomb hospitals and pubs! War really is hell I guess. At any rate, I manage to survive the bombs and I keep making choices and... Holy shit! I won! And on the first try too! Ha ha ha ha! Bow before Mr. Satanism! You've been owned, World War Part 1! Before I throw this away though I need to flip through and tell you what the worst way you could die is... let's see... Hey - there's only one ending! And there's no way to lose or die! Are you fucking kidding me???? What the hell kind of Choose Your Own Adventure is this??? I'll bet you any amount of money and/or pussy that the people who came up with this were all "If kids lose they'll have low self-esteem, so we'll make every choice a winner!" You know why kids today are such goddamned pussies? Because of shit like this. Seriously, I think this book might just be the fucking epitome of weak. I'll tell you what time it is, Time Machine - it's time to pull your head out of your ass and suck my fucking balls. Then we'll see who has low self-esteem.
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This book sucks it. Read one of mine instead.

She-Devil, By Lois Horowitz (1989)

The first thing the astute reader will notice about this novel is that the description on the back seems to say a lot, but doesn't actually tell you what the book is about. This is totally appropriate though, because as it turns out this book isn't about anything; it just rambles on and on for hundreds of pages, and to make the experience even more painful a good half of it is so clunkily written that it's literally difficult to read. Yup, this book wastes no time in sucking shit, and it's full of dumb mistakes, too. For example, it begins with this guy seeing a traffic accident on his way TO work, but in the next chapter he's late getting home because the accident happened on his way back FROM work. Proofread much, you lazy shits? And some parts are just insultingly stupid, like the assertion that, if a man is dead, there's no way to confirm who he was when he was alive, not even by showing his totally non-mutilated body to his own fucking wife or, I dunno, the guys from CSI: Des Moines or something.

All lies.

Of course the dialogue is laughably retarded. "Did you know that everyone has eight great-grandparents?" asks the main chick at one point. Really? She must be a mathematical savant to have figured that one out. This comes up, incidentally, because the main chick is into genealogy (clearly identifying her as both a tiresome bore and a superficial, empty-headed twat), and this, in turn, is important (in the loosest sense of the word, obviously) because, ultimately, this is a horror novel about genealogy, almost certainly the most un-frightening thing a horror novel could possibly be about. Unless you're a huge racist who's terrified of finding out that one of your ancestors was black, I suppose. Honestly, genealogy is so fucking pointless. I mean sure, after weeks of diligent research you could very well learn that you're distantly related to Benjamin Franklin or Elvira or something, but how will this change the fact that you're currently squatting in an abandoned trailer park and spent your last income tax return on meth, lottery tickets, and an abortion? The real literary crime here though is that this entire book is just killing time; nothing of consequence happens until the very, very end, and overall it feels like it was written by someone who's heard of horror novels, and has sort of an idea what kind of shit might go down in one, but has never actually read one in their entire fucking life. Seriously, stick to genealogy, Lois Horowitz, because writing books that aren't about who once fucked your drunken flapper grandmother back in the Roaring Twenties is obviously way, way out of your league.

Oh, and by the way, it was me. I fucked her. And she liked it.

Yep, granny was quite the dish in her day, a real Sheba
with gams up to her neck and a chassis that just
wouldn't quit. And how. Now you're on the trolley.

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Buy my books, ya piker. They're nifty; the bee's knees, don'cha know.

Stupid kids...

Christ, even kids this square should know that there's already a band called "Genesis". What a bunch of tools.

I'd totally fuck the brunette in the glasses though.