Wednesday, February 21, 2018

A Chronology on Elm Street - The Final Chapter

Bet you thought I'd never finish it, didn't you? Learn the unexpected ins and outs of the entire franchise in my new book, which reprints all nine Chronology on Elm Street blog entries, doubles your fun with ten additional entries that wrap up Freddy's saga once and for all, and includes a couple of bonus reviews to boot.  Links to every store where it's currently available may be found here:

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Star Wars vs. Star Trek, Using Math

Arguing about whether Star Wars or Star Trek is better is a pointless exercise, because nobody who matters or is good at life really cares. But people are going to do it anyway, so with all these new Star Wars movies coming out now seems like as good a time as any to answer the question once and for all, using math, because you can't refute math, end of discussion. Keep in mind I have no preconceived agenda here: I like both series a little bit, enough to watch most but not all of their installments, not enough to buy the action figures, but enough to buy the Lego sets. There's only one Star Wars character I'd fuck (Shira Brie) (look her up) and only one Star Trek character I'd fuck (Sulu). There's only one person involved with either franchise that I want to punch in the face. (Walter Koenig and George Lucas. Plus J.J. Abrams, of course, but he worked on both so he cancels himself out.) So from my standpoint Wars and Trek are pretty evenly matched going in. Now let's see what happens when we apply the numbers.

I would ask Shira Brie to wear this though, obviously.
First off, let's throw out all the novels, video games, comic books, and so on and so forth. First of all, most of it doesn't "count" anyway, because it's like imaginary to the second power or some stupid shit, plus there's just an assload of it and I don't have the rest of my life to write this article. Math is supposed to save people time. We'll stick to the material everyone pretty much agrees on, the movies and the TV shows. Since some crybabies will insist that some of these also "don't count" (The Star Wars Holiday Special) we'll do it like this: everything good "counts" and everything bad will simply be ignored, accruing no negative points. This couldn't possibly be more fair, so I don't want to see any whining in the comments section, got it? We'll begin with Star Trek, because alphabetical order.

So there are plenty of solid episodes of the original Star Trek TV series, but I'm gonna lowball it and say that ten of them are way above average. Taking commercials into account, that's about 450 minutes of quality Star Trek action. The old cartoon was pretty good too, so let's assume there are also ten of those worth seeing, giving us a grand total of 675 minutes. So far, so good.

Of course there has been a lot more Star Trek since then, but it actually gets easier from here. There were only two good episodes of The Fake Generation (the one where the Borg went bananas and killed nearly everybody, and the one with Mark Twain), but they were both two-parters so that adds 180 minutes to our total. There was only one decent episode of Deep Throat 69 (the tribble one) (+45 minutes), and I've never seen the one where the captain of the starship was a chick (Star Trek: Vagina?) and I'm not gonna start now (+0 minutes). Despite suffering from a slew of politically-correct bullshit (where are the short skirts?) Star Trek: Quantum Leap was criminally underrated though, so let's lowball it again and assume that five of those were pretty good (+225 minutes). There were a bunch of movies too, but only three of them don't suck (Wrath of Khan, Search for Spock, Voyage Home) so we'll add two hours for each of them. Grand total: 1485 minutes or 24 hours and 45 minutes of quality Star Trek. You could watch Star Trek for a solid day, without a break, and none of it would piss you off. You'd be a total loser though.

Luke Skywalker vs. adorable space bunnies!
Now let's see how rival series Star Wars fares. The original is great (120 minutes), and so is The Empire Strikes Back, even though that's a really stupid, clunky name for a movie (+120 minutes). The Holiday Special sucks though, and so do both of the Ewok movies (+0). Nothing happens in Return of the Jedi after they rescue Han Solo, but his rescue is pretty cool so I'll give them 30 minutes for that part. The Prequels were all total shit, The Force of Bacon was just a remake of the first one with a Death Star that went to 11, and everything since is basically disposable crap because J.J. Abrams (+0). There have been a shitload of Star Wars cartoons from the 1980s on (Droids, Ewoks, Clone Wars, Teenage Mutant Yoda Turtles, Han Solo Meets the Fonz, etc.) ranging in quality from "kind of crappy" to "mercifully short" so that's +0 again. So we're stuck at 270 minutes, 390 if the next movie is any good, which, may I remind you, J.J. Abrams. That's only six and a half hours, and then it still only works of you stop one of the movies a third of the way in. That's fucking pathetic. Star Trek for the win.

See, because Vulcans bottle up their emotions? It's a metaphor.
There you have it. Comments welcome, as long as you agree with me. Posting pictures of your hot girlfriend in a metal bikini is also encouraged.

I write books about movies. They're brilliant and you can buy them here.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

If she only had a brain...

By the way, new Mr. Satanism books are available all the time. Here's the latest:

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Friday, August 19, 2016

Keeping up with the Satanisms

I know I haven't blogged much lately, but rest assured, things are happening. If you want to keep abreast (heh) of all things Mr. Satanism, like and/or follow my editor's official Facebook page, here:

Monday, June 20, 2016

Mother of Tears - The Third Mother (2007)

Some jokers unearth this old urn, but something about it freaks out the local Catholic muckamuck so he sends the urn to Rome to get it checked out. (What doesn't freak out the Catholics? My mom's boyfriend nearly had a heart attack once because I was eating a Big Mac on the wrong day of the week or something.) The cat in charge of Esoteric Horseshit is out of the office though, so two bimbos open the package instead and naturally one of them bleeds all over the thing and suddenly the whole city is going crazy and every witch with enough frequent flyer miles is showing up to get in on the fun. Which makes Rome sound like the place to be, until you remember that 98% of witches are lesbians, and the ones who aren't are already going out with a guy who's in a band. And judging by the witches in this movie, that band is Cinderella.

Meanwhile, the mega-tasty Asia Argento is right in the thick of it, but she's so busy being chased around by hipsters, cops, gothic lolitas, and monkeys that she barely has time to expose any nipple much less figure out what to do. Eventually though she realizes that she's the main chick, so she decides to take down the queen witch once and for all, which turns out to be surprisingly easy. I'm not kidding, it takes me longer to open a bottle of beer with a cigarette lighter than it takes Asia to trounce this bitch.

I wouldn't have expected a 1000-year-old witch to look so much like one of the
Bangles. Not that I'm complaining. (Hair by Ken Paves, fake tits by Satan.)
So the end's a fizzle, and there are some pretty stupid parts along the way – like when Asia nearly drowns in raw sewage, then two seconds later doesn't have a drop of poo on her – but there's also a head crushed in a door, eyes gouged out, a spear up the cooch, a guy set on fire, an arm whacked off with a machete, a surprising amount of infanticide, rioting, vandalism, some lesbo action, and plenty of tits, so really, I got no complaints.

Asia Argento, who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.
For more witchy goodness (and badness), check out my latest film guide Hex Crimes: The Worst Witch Movies Ever Made, free on Amazon June 20 through June 22, 2016, and only 99 cents after that. Cheap!