Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Runestone - Supplemental

Props to you, prop department - this is exactly what I would have done:

Read the full review of The Runestone in my new book Trash of the Titans, available now!

Trash of the Titans

After much delay, my latest book of movie reviews is finally available for the Amazon Kindle. Get it here. Don't have a Kindle? No problemo: get the free Kindle app and read it right on your PC! The free app is available here.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Conn's Vendor Training Video (2010)

"Conn's"? There's a great name for a business. Why don't you just call it "Ripoff's"? Anyway, when this sales chump training DVD found its into my hands, in all its Comic Sans-abusing glory, of course I didn't do what a normal person would do, i.e. throw it away or use it as a coaster. I decided to review the thing, and, big shocker, it's pretty damn boring. Mostly it just outlines the features of various doodads people might buy from "Conn's", like video cameras, HDTVs, wall mounts, refrigerators, paper-free handguns, and former milk carton children. (Ha ha! I'm totally kidding. Don't sue.) They even explain, to a degree, how some of this stuff actually works, which I also found boring because I'm an American and Americans don't care how things work, as long as they come with a large side of fries. I'm pretty sure Conn's understands this though, because they do pimp one of their refrigerators by pointing out that it will hold "up to eight more frozen pizzas":

That's right, eight. USA! USA!
One segment of this DVD did fill me with wall-punching, apartment deposit-forfeiting rage though: specifically, the one that explains to their sales proles how to aggressively nag people into buying an in-store extended warranty, which, as all non-morons know, is always, always, always a ripoff.

You scheming, gypsy, scumfuckers... I shouldn't have to pay an extra 400 dollars for your assurance that you're not selling me some broken piece of shit. Seriously, how did this even become a thing? I think the most infuriating part is when the narrator says this:

"It is your obligation to give the customer the opportunity to say no. If you choose not to present the repair service agreement, you are making the decision for the customer, a right you do not have."

Are you fucking kidding me? Like it's some First Amendment issue instead of a bullshit add-on designed solely to bone people out of their hard-earned money. Here's their little strategy to get you to buy this shit:

Well, Conn's, you have your strategy, and I have my counter-strategy that I use whenever some zit-faced minimum-wage commission monkey starts pushing an extended warranty on me:
  1. Say "No."
  2. Say "If I wanted you to fuck me up the ass, I'd bend over. Now shut your cockhole and ring up my goddamned purchase before I violate this store like I did your mom on prom night. And when I say 'this store', I don't mean the people inside it. I mean the actual building."
  3. Walk away without buying anything, knocking multiple display cases over on the way out.
  4. Lie like hell on Yelp.
You need to learn from all the Best Buys I've been thrown out of and rein in the badgering, Conn's, before the two of us have a serious problem. Don't say I didn't warn you.
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