Thursday, April 23, 2015

Need a fix between fixes?


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Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Wild Child (2008)


Hollywood Exec: "We need a movie that will appeal to the tween girl demographic, while also satisfying the creepy old man demographic... Something I can watch with my daughter, but that, say, Mr. Satanism would also enjoy..."

Valued Assistant: "How about a movie about a naughty teenage girl who gets sent to boarding school?"

Hollywood Exec: "Go on..."

Valued Assistant: 'Well, she's hot, and underage, and, you know, naughty. But not too naughty: strictly a fair-to-moderate level of out-of-control. And... her dad sends her to a British boarding school, so all the girls wear private schoolgirl uniforms and have British accents. And are underage, of course."

Hollywood Exec: "Rating?"

Valued Assistant: "Oh, PG-13, for sure. Lightweight teenage rebellion stuff. Our main girl alters her uniform so that it's sexy as fuck. Mild swearing. Implied shoplifting and underage drinking, obfuscated to such a degree that it feels like there are entire scenes missing. Maybe some property destruction. No tits."

Hollywood Exec: "No tits? But Mr. Satanism...

Valued Assistant: "Underage. Private. School. Girls."

Hollywood Exec: "You magnificent fucking bastard."

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Monday, April 13, 2015

A Chronology on Elm Street, Part 9


A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child

A Nightmare on Elm Street Part 4 banked so hard at the box office that the producers were probably knee-deep in Colombian prime for weeks, and once they stopped punching things and talking really fast over one another, moving forward with a Part 5 was inevitable. This time, Freddy is reborn as a Davis baby, but he quickly grows to full size, so as to better spout off one-liners. He morphs one cat into a half-man, half-motorcycle (It's the Murdercycle!); stuffs a chick with food until she dies; A-ha's a guy; rides a skateboard; proves that the main chick does indeed make a better door than a window; and, the most unforgivable crime of all, bores the absolute shit out of us.

You just got A-ha'ed, asshole.
These movies rarely present us with a cohesive, well, anything, but this time Freddy does have a goal: he wants to possess the main chick's unborn child. Although why, after dodging so many attempts to destroy him, he'd want to make himself susceptible to a simple coat hanger is beyond me. At any rate, there's only so much rampant idiocy a person can take, even if that person is a character in a horror movie, so someone finally enlists the aid of Freddy's mother, who eventually steps in and puts an end to his current spate of shenanigans. That's right, Freddy Krueger is ultimately defeated because someone tells his mom. And popular belief is that she subsequently grounded him for twelve years, explaining why the next movie is set in 2001. But as we'll see next time, popular belief couldn't be more wrong.
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