Monday, August 31, 2015

Monkeys & Dinosaurs!

Above: a promotional photograph from the Japanese version of Planet of the Apes, and yes that monkey in the white pimp suit is flipping us off, British style. To learn more about this terrible film, and just about every other dinosaur and/or killer monkey movie ever made, check out my latest book Monkeys & Dinosaurs: Cinema as High Art, Vol. 1, available right now on Amazon, here:

Monday, August 24, 2015

Sexting: Sex + Text = Trouble

You know what really equals trouble? Parading this slew of sex-crazed, underage hotties across my TV screen. I mean, I'm no Jared, but come on, a man can only take so much.

First up, some chippies take a few naked pics, just for a larf...

...but apparently one of them doesn't know how to use e-mail and the next thing you know their racy pictures are all over the school and on my hard drive. Er, I mean NOT on my hard drive. Because I would never. Anyway, I loved their classmate's matter-of-fact reaction to the whole thing:

Chick: "You obviously saw the pictures. They were supposed to be private."
Dude: "I guess that didn't work."

Still, there is an upside they don't mention: after a few weeks of embarrassment and grief, you know these chicks ended up being the most popular girls in school. Especially Chloe.

In our second example, this chick's jealous, creepozoid ex-boyfriend (take my word for it, she can do a lot better) sends naked pics of her to her mom, to what end I can't possibly imagine. Maybe he's trying to make the mom insecure about her own body so that he can move in, flatter her up, and possibly nail her as well, at which point he can check the ever elusive "mother-daughter combo" off his list. I joke, but that's actually not such a bad plan. Well, aside from the fact that he's 18 and his ex-girlfriend isn't, which means that he'll be doing all his future "sexting" up in the Stateville Prison. Except in this case "sexting" means "being brutally raped by his cellmate", of course.

Our final zany sexual misadventure begins when Mr. Furley... oops, sorry, wrong video. The correct misadventure begins when this kid leaves his Facebook page open and his buddy posts a bunch of hilarious filth. ("The only words here that aren't obscene are of, the, and and," someone subsequently points out.) Luckily for him, nothing really comes of it and the only indignity he suffers is getting bitched out by his sister. Who, I might add, is pretty damn tasty and is welcome to sext me any time:

That's right, I learned absolutely nothing from this video. It's called confidence. Maybe you should try it sometime. You're welcome.
My newest book on film, Monkeys & Dinosaurs: Cinema as High Art, Vol. 1, goes on sale in one short week. In the meantime, catch up by reading all of my previous books, available here.