Saturday, June 15, 2013

Breaking Dawn Part Two (2012)

It's par for the de rigueur for horror fans to despise the Twilight series, but you shouldn't hate on these movies just because they contain romantic elements and have sparkly vampires in them. No, you should hate on these movies because they are indefensibly bad and boring beyond belief. Hell, the previous entry was entirely about vampires sitting around in a house in the woods while absolutely nothing happens, which means that if you're sitting around your place watching it, there is literally more going on in your life at that particular moment than on the screen, in the world of Twilight. And, I dunno, maybe this has something to do with the fact that this is yet another entry in the functionally-retarded trend of vampire movies that don't feature actual vampires. I mean, if you can go out in the daytime, can't turn into a bat, and aren't repelled by crosses, then, by fucking definition, YOU ARE NOT A GODDAMNED VAMPIRE. Fine, they do have super speed, but at best this makes them X-Men, and at worst, part of the mob chasing Benny Hill. Seriously, the characters in this movie are basically the "Jews for Jesus" of vampires, and, as you can imagine, that doesn't make for much of a vampire movie.

On the plus side, I'd so fuck Charlotte. Right in her hot little faux-vampire ass, I'd fuck her.
"Okay," someone defending this movie might say (this person will inevitably be a chick), "so it's a bad vampire movie. But it's a great romantic movie." WRONG. The main couple is boring, aloof, douchey, and completely unlikeable, and their friends are the kind of tools you meet at super-snobby parties and don't regret for a second stealing the prescription meds out of their purses. The entire "plot" consists of vampires standing around looking vaguely concerned and driving places in their Volvo (so scary! And romantic!), until the thrilling climax, where, finally, there's an amazing vampire/werewolf throw-down that, in one of the biggest cinematic "fuck yous" of all time, turns out to be a dream. A dream! FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING FUCKLEBERRIES. I'm sorry (no I'm not), but when the best part of your movie is the part that didn't even happen, it's time to step away from the word processor and GO FUCK YOURSELF. The fact that test audiences were perfectly okay with a reaming of this magnitude just proves how brain-dead and pathetic Twilight fans really are. Throw in some cartoon wolves, a creepy cartoon baby/child that should be killed with fire, a gratuitous pro-Beatles comment (suck my huge, universe, it's time to get over the Beatles), and vampires so badass and powerful that they need fake passports to get out of the country, and this really is the final nail in the vampire movie coffin. Somebody get the lights. I'm going home.
Fuck vampires. For my take on zombie movies, check out my latest book, Night of the Living Dud - 100 Zombie Movies You Probably Haven't Seen, available now!

For those of you who have a Kobo...

...(you're probably Canadian), the previous Mr. S book, "Trash of the Titans", will be available for this reader sometime in the next few days.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Night of the Living Dud - 100 Zombie Movies You Probably Haven't Seen.

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SB/SE: Leading Into the Future (IRS Star Trek) (2010)

This is it: the infamous Star Trek "parody" made by the IRS to teach their employees... wait for it... absolutely nothing. Seriously, this video contains no educational content whatsoever. It's just a bunch of dumb jokes, like Scotty using a hair dryer on the engines because, apparently, they got wet. (Jesus Christ.) I'm not here to be outraged though; like most supervillains, I funnel all my ill-gotten gains into offshore accounts long before the IRS gets wind of it, so what do I care what they spend your money on? No, I'm here to review this thing solely as entertainment, beyond all the entertainment we're getting from watching the people responsible sweat under official questioning, I mean. And, as such, it's definitely lacking. First off, how can you make the captain of the starship Enterprise black and not cast Morgan Freeman? Really, how much more would that have cost? We already know money was no object, so get into the spirit, IRS slackers, and do this shit right. Speaking of getting shit right (and this one's for the nerds): you got the uniforms backwards. The captain is supposed to wear yellow, and the peons wear red. For real, who doesn't know this? Hell, "redshirt" is part of our cultural lexicon, as in "I wonder which redshirt will take the blame for all this gratuitous IRS spending?" Another Star Trek trademark, female crew members sporting insultingly short, sexist skirts, is entirely absent, but rest assured it isn't missed, because the women in this thing are almost all fat, or hags, or, in the case of the communications officer, some sort of undying, lich-bait super hag. Are you telling me that not a single hottie on staff wanted to appear in your absurd, quasi-illegal, funds-misappropriating Star Trek movie? Never mind, I just answered my own question. Of course the jokes are fucking terrible -- operating at about the level you'd expect if you made a sci-fi flick with several people from the office -- but I did raise my Spock eyebrow at the captain's response when asked if he wanted to buy some overpriced coffee:

Captain: "I've already spent my per diem for the day."

And later, there's another "joke" (it's funny because it's true, apparently) about getting rich by becoming a public servant! Seriously, why don't they just throw handfuls of money into the air while flipping us off?

In conclusion, I seriously doubt that IRS Star Trek will ever be made available for purchase, but if it someday is, trust me, save your money. Oh, wait, you already paid for it! Ha ha!
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