Saturday, June 15, 2013

Breaking Dawn Part Two (2012)

It's par for the de rigueur for horror fans to despise the Twilight series, but you shouldn't hate on these movies just because they contain romantic elements and have sparkly vampires in them. No, you should hate on these movies because they are indefensibly bad and boring beyond belief. Hell, the previous entry was entirely about vampires sitting around in a house in the woods while absolutely nothing happens, which means that if you're sitting around your place watching it, there is literally more going on in your life at that particular moment than on the screen, in the world of Twilight. And, I dunno, maybe this has something to do with the fact that this is yet another entry in the functionally-retarded trend of vampire movies that don't feature actual vampires. I mean, if you can go out in the daytime, can't turn into a bat, and aren't repelled by crosses, then, by fucking definition, YOU ARE NOT A GODDAMNED VAMPIRE. Fine, they do have super speed, but at best this makes them X-Men, and at worst, part of the mob chasing Benny Hill. Seriously, the characters in this movie are basically the "Jews for Jesus" of vampires, and, as you can imagine, that doesn't make for much of a vampire movie.

On the plus side, I'd so fuck Charlotte. Right in her hot little faux-vampire ass, I'd fuck her.
"Okay," someone defending this movie might say (this person will inevitably be a chick), "so it's a bad vampire movie. But it's a great romantic movie." WRONG. The main couple is boring, aloof, douchey, and completely unlikeable, and their friends are the kind of tools you meet at super-snobby parties and don't regret for a second stealing the prescription meds out of their purses. The entire "plot" consists of vampires standing around looking vaguely concerned and driving places in their Volvo (so scary! And romantic!), until the thrilling climax, where, finally, there's an amazing vampire/werewolf throw-down that, in one of the biggest cinematic "fuck yous" of all time, turns out to be a dream. A dream! FUCK YOU, YOU MOTHERFUCKING FUCKLEBERRIES. I'm sorry (no I'm not), but when the best part of your movie is the part that didn't even happen, it's time to step away from the word processor and GO FUCK YOURSELF. The fact that test audiences were perfectly okay with a reaming of this magnitude just proves how brain-dead and pathetic Twilight fans really are. Throw in some cartoon wolves, a creepy cartoon baby/child that should be killed with fire, a gratuitous pro-Beatles comment (suck my huge, universe, it's time to get over the Beatles), and vampires so badass and powerful that they need fake passports to get out of the country, and this really is the final nail in the vampire movie coffin. Somebody get the lights. I'm going home.
Fuck vampires. For my take on zombie movies, check out my latest book, Night of the Living Dud - 100 Zombie Movies You Probably Haven't Seen, available now!


  1. I'm just thankful that they named it "Breaking Dawn Part Two" so I could annoy my girlfriend by calling it "Breaking Wind Fart Toot."

  2. I'm just thankful that I started with the last one, even if it was split into 2 movies (so that they could have one where nothing happens, and one where something happens but it's only a dream).