Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Zaat (1972)

This guy is trying to turn himself into a giant walking catfish, and let me tell you aspiring mad scientists, that is no way to get laid. The process he's using seems pretty complicated, but he's keeping track of it all with this huge hand-drawn diagram that looks like one of those crazy end-times prophecy charts that your loonier Christians will hang on the wall, right next to the picture of them meeting Pat Robertson and their poster about Jesus not leaving enough footprints in the sand. So, our boy marks his progress, dumps some crazy formula into his submersion tank, lowers himself in, and - Presto! - he's NOT a giant walking catfish. He has turned into some kind of a monster though, and apparently that's good enough for him. The very first thing the monster does is check "Self Transformation" off his daily planner (I'm not kidding, he really does do this), and the next step is, naturally, going on a murderous, pharmacy-trashing, blood-drinking rampage. Oh, and along the way he kidnaps a bikini babe and tries to turn her into a monster too. See, he is doing this to meet women. I knew it.

The locals already think the sheriff is a "nigger lover" because he once fell asleep watching TV and woke up halfway through a rerun of Sanford and Son, so with nothing left to lose he allows for the scientist who's on the case to call in the Fisher-Price Adventure People, and their Daredevil Sport RV.

The Ad-ven-ture Peo-ple!

...and their daredevil Sport RV!
Adventure Girl has one of the most astounding pairs of legs I've ever seen, but other than that the two of them aren't good for much and by the time it's all over nearly everyone of note is dead. In addition to the expected monster attacks and lumbering, there's also a body disposed of in acid; a hippie music video (I hate to admit this, but the song isn't too bad); Adventure Girl teasing us with a titless shower scene (TSS); a snake attack; and the slowest, clumsiest thrilling climax ever. Not to mention a ridiculously dark ending for such a corny movie. It's stark raving retarded.
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  1. Does that dark ending involve the nigger lovin' Sheriff?

    1. Well, once you go dark, you never go back. Wait, that's not right...