Mr. Satanism Meets Angel Love

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"It's Mr. Satanism. I'm here to review your comic book, and I'll start out by saying that it definitely needed more tits."

"It's me all right, but don't freak out, baby; I won't be ripping you a new one. Except for the lack of rack, I think your comic is pretty fucking awesome."

"Damn straight, Red. I know it's for chicks and shit, but you've got stories about abortion and doing blow and incest and everything. Not only is that cool in and of itself, but it's also proving to be useful in a more practical sense. See, because the cartoonish art style makes your book look so cute & innocent, I was able to give copies to that stupid single mom who wouldn't go out with me to pass on to her kids, and she won't realize they shouldn't be reading it until it's too late. And then there's the fact that you're unbelievably fine; sure, comic books are full of hot redheads, but why put up with a drama queen like Jean Grey who dies every other Tuesday when you could just hang with Angel Love? I usually go after comics like yours with both barrels, but as far as I'm concerned Angel Love totally fucking rocks. Five stars, A+, three thumbs up."

"It's not luck, toots - you earned it. Now put on something sexy so we can go out and celebrate. And when we get back, I'll stick it in your poop chute."

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Shop Mr. Satanism. So much darker than Black Friday.

Ask the Answer Man!

There was no internet in the 1970s, so if you wanted to know what Batman's middle name was or how many times Superman had faked out Lois Lane after promising to marry her, your only choice was to buy every DC comic book ever made until you found the answer. Actually, there was one other option: you could "Ask the Answer Man". The Answer Man was this amazing cat who knew everything about DC comics, and every month he would answer any question about them that you sent in, no matter how obscure or ridiculous. Here's some 100% real examples I took from a bunch of old DC comics I keep in the bathroom:

Q: How much is BATMAN FAMILY #13 worth?--Todd Goode. A: 25¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is OUR ARMY AT WAR #202 worth?--Parky Farmer. A: 30¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is DETECTIVE COMICS #359 worth?--Mike Roche. A: In good condition, 30¢.

Q: How much are DC COMICS PRESENTS #'s 1 and 2 worth?--Scott Smith. A: 20¢ each in good condition.

Q: How much is BATMAN FAMILY #3 worth?--Greg Wong. A: 30¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is LOIS LANE #112 worth?--Greg Wong. A: 20¢ in good condition.

Huh. Well, irregardless, the Answer Man was still pretty cool. I guess.

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The 100 Best Movies Ever Made... Mostly Suck. And here's the proof.

Spider-Man: "The Hunter and the Hunted" (1981)

Peter Parker's boss, J. Jonah Jameson, decides that his newspaper needs an extra kick in the ass, and what moves newspapers like knowing that the paper in question owns its very own, bona fide saber-toothed tiger? (Hey, don't look at me. I just review this shit.) Too bad the only saber-toothed tiger around belongs to Ka-Zar, Lord of the Savage Land, a guy who regularly fights dinosaurs with his bare hands:

Ignore him, Lisa. He's just showing off.

This doesn't bother J.J.J. unduly though, so he hires Kraven the Cowardly Hunter to cat-nap the tiger. Kraven activates his superpowers (this is achieved by taking drugs), wrestles/gasses/electrified cages the sabertooth into submission, and somehow gets it past Customs into New York, where it generates so much publicity that nobody shows up. Oh, wait, J.J.J. just said that he hasn't actually kicked the publicity blitz off yet, and, as it turns out, he never does. In fact, he never even takes possession of the damn tiger! What do you want to bet that this is as far as the whole cockamamie idea goes? Frankly I think Jonah J. Jameson comes up with these ridiculous schemes solely to see how many superheroes/villains he can get pissed off at him at one time.

He never learns.

Pretty soon Ka-Zar shows up looking for his cat, and when Kraven finds out he's in town (while sitting at his bamboo desk, watching the news on his television, which also appears to be made out of bamboo) he decides that they should fight. I mean why not, right? Neither one of them is married, or wears a shirt, so... Er, let's move on. Ka-zar barges into Jameson's office and picks him up over his head, I assume because he plans on throwing him out the window, but he's not a complete monster and lets Jonah answer his phone first, which turns out to be a lucky break for both of them because it's Kraven calling to see if Jonah can give Ka-Zar a ride to the big gay sex fight. He can and he does, Kraven uses his high-tech Kraven Computer to capture Ka-Zar without even breaking a sweat, and ultimately it's up to Spider-Man to save the day, which was a nice way to wrap things up, seeing as it is his show and all. Not that that's anything to be proud of, obviously.

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Pyre and Rotwrap, the Babes of D.O.A.

 

Remember the comic book Nightstalkers? Actually that's a trick question; nobody does, because it was such an embarrassing, incomprehensible piece of shit that real comic book fans wouldn't even use it for kindling. Seriously, this mag was so fucking awful that a bit like this actually passed for "clever":

God, kill me now whoever wrote that now. One good thing did come out of this comic though: the "Department of Occult Armaments", a team of evil secret agents with fucked-up horror-movie powers. And the two best things about D.O.A. were terrorist hotties Pyre and Rotwrap. Pyre is like the five-thousandth comic book character with fire-based powers, but she's a sexy redhead so as far as I'm concerned that puts her miles ahead of the Human Torch. Plus you know this had to happen at least once:

Hapless Dipshit: "Hey, baby, does the carpet match the curtains? Ha ha! AHhHHHHhhhh!!! I'm on fire!!!!!!!!"

And Rotwrap? Well, she's basically a mummy filled with bugs. Okay, that may not be your thing, but I'm Mr. fucking Satanism, and if I wanna kick it with a mummy filled with bugs I'll kick it with a goddamned mummy filled with bugs. Especially when she's sporting a rack like this:

Rot Rack

Disturbingly (yes even more disturbing than my willingness to fuck a chick made out of bugs), Pyre and Rotwrap spent the majority of their time getting beaten up by men and/or begging the men in question not to beat them up. I think the guy who wrote Nightstalkers had some serious mommy issues.