Thursday, June 14, 2012

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989)

Jason Takes Canada will always be the worst Friday the 13th movie, even if they eventually make one where he has to disguise himself as a British nanny in order to spend more time with his kids. This flick shows so much disdain for its audience (which isn't exactly discriminating in the first place) that I'm surprised the guy who made it doesn't get punched in the face by horror movie fans everywhere he goes. I guess it's a good thing nobody knows who he is. Ha ha! Anyway, Jason comes back this time after getting the Jaws 2 treatment from an underwater electrical cable, which kills sharks but apparently brings serial killers back to life. (cf. Wes Craven's Shocker. Or better yet, don't.) After a pair of practice kills to make sure he's still got it, he stows away on a cruise ship, which, naturally, is crawling with teenage idiots. "This voyage is doomed," says one deckhand just before they cast off. If you're so sure of this, why don't you jump ship while you've got the chance, moron? Even if you're wrong, everyone else can do without your bad fucking attitude.

So, some lackluster murders ensue (seriously, Finding Nemo had better gore), Jason's ghost hassles the main chick (because apparently there's two of him now - a zombie slasher and a ghost), and eventually a handful of folks pile into a lifeboat to escape, totally abandoning several of their friends who are waiting in the ship's restaurant. ("There is no more restaurant," says the main kid when someone points this out. Since we never saw anything happen to the restaurant or the people there, I guess this is just his way of saying "Fuck them." What a dick.) Eventually everyone, including Jason, ends up in New York, at which point you'd think this movie would finally get good. No dice though. Instead, it's just an endless turd rope of obvious (Jason attacked by street punks), lazy (the good guys also attacked by street punks), and stupid (pretty much everything else). The absolute worst though is the pinhead, fuck-you ending where the New York City sewer system is randomly flushed with toxic waste for no reason whatsoever (because this happens), conveniently killing both Jasons once and for all until Part 9.

Oh well, at least now we know that ghosts are susceptible to toxic waste. Noises in your attic? I think you know what to do. Bonus: works on raccoons, too.

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