Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Amityville Haunting (2011)

[Note: My first two books on horror movies, Legendary House of Haunted Hell and 66.6 Absurd Movies about the Devil, have just been re-issued together in a lower-priced compilation edition featuring one bonus review. Because I'm a supervillain, not a monster, I'm presenting that bonus review here for those of you who have already purchased these two books separately. You're welcome.]

God damn it, we finally get a brand new Amityville movie and it's one of those fucking Blair Witch/lost & found footage deals. Seriously, that is preternaturally weak. Their intro has the facts all wrong too (the Klutz family didn't live there for two years, it was more like until the first mortgage payment bounced), but the first person we actually see onscreen is this absolutely stunning blonde, so I guess I'll give it a chance. The blonde and her cretinous friends waste no time breaking into the Amityville Horror house, brilliantly filming their misdemeanor criminal activity all the while, and while this sequence probably hits a bit too close to home for the poor bastards who currently own the place in real life the horror doesn't really begin until after these kids are dead and an entirely new family moves in. A new family with an annoying-ass kid who also happens to videotape everything that goes on. How fucking gay convenient gay. Before long there's strange sounds, shit moves around under its own power, the little girl has a mysterious imaginary friend, blah, blah, blah, wake me when it's over, suck my balls. It's your typical Presto Magix haunted house movie, except freed from the duo burdens of paying for a tripod or finding a someone who can actually hold a camera still. Cheap, lazy shits. And I like how the main kid delights in telling people that he lives in "the Amityville house". So does everyone on the block, idiot. Apparently the asshats who made this movie didn't realize that the place is known as the "Amityville house" because it's located in a town called Amityville. I guess their pre-moviemaking research consisted entirely of being really stupid. And what is with the dad? Even the parts that could have worked are completely undermined by his retarded dialogue ("I have identified the enemy.") and spasmo overacting. Okay, we get it, you were in the military. Fucking rein it in, Neidermeyer. Oh, and just for the record, it also didn’t help that when the imaginary friend finally showed himself he appeared in the terrifying form of a complete fucking dork.

What a steamer. My condolences to the previously-mentioned blonde. Take it from Mr. Satanism, you're a rare talent, and you deserved better. Eight inches of better. And that's limp, baby.
For more peerless horror movie reviews, check out my latest collection, Mr. Satanism's Horror-nasium, now available on Amazon.


  1. My solution: threaten the next idiot who even THINKS about making a "found film" with blowtorch-ass-rape.

    Is that out of line?

    1. It is not out of line. I am so beyond over this shit. Just the other day, this cat I know wrote a script for some people and they sent it back asking if he could tweak it and turn it into a "lost footage" film. Moviemakers are so fucking lazy and cheap.