Friday, September 7, 2012

Disaster Movie (2008)

The two dilholes who make these "______ Movie" movies are the least talented people to ever become famous in the history of this universe or any that will come after. They deserve to die slowly, painfully, alone, and unloved, their corpses left to rot in the street for stray dogs to piss on while their parents hold a press conference explaining that they never wanted kids in the first place, but the condom broke and then so did the coat hanger. Just the existence of their awful movies makes the world an sadder, uglier, shittier place. The only useful purpose they serve is helping you eliminate people on dating websites:

No thanks.
If you've never seen one of these flicks (you lucky bastard), they're a lot like the TV show Family Guy: there's no plot or story or jokes, just a bunch of references. "Hey," you might be thinking, "I get references!" Well bully for you. Jason of Star Command. There's your fucking reference. Now go away.

Okay, let's see what we can salvage from this cinematic brain abortion:

1. Nothing

Wow. I'm not fucking kidding, there aren't any funny or interesting parts in this movie AT ALL. Or tits. It was just reference after reference after reference after reference. Ninety percent of them aren't even disaster movie references. I don't even know how to review this. Should I just list all the stuff it references? I suppose if you think that just saying "Jessica Simpson" or "Facebook" is unbelievably hysterical, you'll laugh yourself even stupider, but no one who knows not to eat their own feces will be able watch this for more than five minutes without becoming so enraged that they kick a hole in the television set, develop a drinking problem, and decide to start beating their wife. It's a good thing I'm pretty much in favor of all those things.

I will say though, I did like the pregnant reference. Nine months in or not, I'd bone that bitch for so long the baby would assume my penis was his twin brother.

Turns out classic cinema eats ass, too. For proof, check out The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, now available on Amazon.


  1. THANK YOU for admitting Family Guy sucks!

    1. I've been "admitting" it for years. Glad to see someone else recognizes that the emperor has no clothes!

  2. Replies
    1. Well, at least you have your looks. Oh, sorry, nevermind.