There's this little table next to our dumpster for shit that people are throwing away, but think someone else might be able to use. One time, some idiot left an entire package of cupcakes there. Sealed or not, who's gonna take home a package of cupcakes they found by the dumpster?
Okay, maybe that guy. Anyway, someone left this video there, and this blog being a fairly low-budget operation, I picked it up. Which is how I ended up watching a movie that's best described as "Wetbacks in the Hood". (Actually, this bitch is three hours long, so maybe a better name would be "The Spicfather".) The main beaner (who, just to mix things up a bit, is white) is only a few days away from getting off probation (the thug equivalent of being a few days from retirement) when he caps some fool and ends up in the clink. There's about an hour or so of the usual prison movie bullshit, and then he gets paroled, after which he becomes a useful member of society by holding up an armored car and ending up right back in the joint. Hey, somebody's gotta make all those license plates. By the end, he's organizing a prison-wide massacre of all the honkies (excluding himself), and later, for good measure, all the brothers too. This flick is way too long and never comes close to the awesome, over-the-top insanity of, say, Scarface or Penitentiary III, but there is some cool shit along the way, like gangbangers dropping a dude onto a fire hydrant to break his spine, and a part where someone tosses a pair of grenades onto the dance floor at a
popular crowded local nightclub. Plus a little kid who OD's, a gang tattoo cut off with a knife, a car chase, and hilariously dumb lines like these:
Junkie: "For ten years, man, I been star trekkin' in the twilight zone."
Idiot Who's Completely Unclear on the Concept: "She'll be here about seven o'clock sharp."
Oh, and it all ends by assuring us that the kind of prison gang warfare we see depicted in this movie is now under control. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! If you say so, movie.----------
The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ....Mostly Suck is now available for the Kobo eReader! Get it here.