StageFright (1987)

All these gay fags are rehearsing a play when a killer in an owl mask shows up and starts whacking everybody. Ha ha! Get 'em, Woodsy! Owl or nothing! There's plenty of gore and a couple of the murders are fairly cool (guy impaled with drill, broad cut in half), but the chicks are pretty low-caliber so frankly it's hard to get invested in the story because who cares if a bunch of ugly chicks die or not? I mean, we've seen this crap about a million times before so if no hot chicks were willing to get on board and an owl mask was the best twist they could come up they really should've considered trying something different. Like why not take it one step further and have an actual giant owl show up? He could be pissed at the actors because their typical artistic histrionics woke him up, so he just starts swooping down, carrying people off, and ripping them to pieces. At first everybody runs away, but then they feel stupid being chased off by an owl so they get some weapons and come back. Since owls are wise though the feathered fucker outsmarts them all and dismembers almost everybody. Naturally the last person standing manages to kill the thing, but when the cops show up s/he gets arrested because -- here's your big twist -- it turns out the owl was an endangered species! Hell, if you could work in a part where the owl rapes a chick that would be like the icing on the cake and I think it goes without saying that it would also be a groundbreaking movie first. Seriously, that took me all of two seconds to come up with. What the hell is wrong with Hollywood anyway?

"Hey, guys? Owl with a chainsaw. OWL WITH A CHAINSAW!"

Fear Girls (2008) and Fear Girls Vol. II (2009)

Considering the target audience -- hard-core horror movie nerds -- shouldn't that title have a question mark after it? Ha ha! Here's the real question though: where did the people who made this DVD find so many over-the-hill single moms who were willing to show the world their fakes? The vampire dame who kicks the whole thing off is especially hagged out - she looks like she'd already lived forever long before Dracula got to her. Part of the problem, of course, is that this was filmed in HD, and HD emphasizes every little flaw, like the fact that most of these bitches are skunk-ugly. I'm not (just) being a dick when I tell you that I've picked up hotter ass at the dog track. Seriously, in all of wherever this was produced, they couldn't find any pussy better than what's on display here? Best read those end credits so I can update my ever-expanding list of places not to go.

Huh. Miami. I must admit, this comes as kind of a surprise. I thought chicks from Miami were only ugly on the inside.

The first Fear Girls didn't exactly leave me puking for more, but I will admit, this one is a vast improvement: the girls are (mostly) hotter and the boobs are (mostly) real-er. It's still not very sexy though (who taught these bims how to dance? Alfred Hitchcock?), and videos without actual plots always throw me because I just can't stop myself from grafting a backstory onto whatever is happening on the screen. For example, I kept trying to imagine what motivated vaguely-punk babe to get naked and dance around in that graveyard. (Besides the actress needing to earn enough bread to cover her boyfriend's bail, I mean.) Is she lonely? Is she crazy? Maybe she always wanted to reenact the striptease scene from Return of the Living Dead, and when her car broke down right next to a graveyard on her way home from her job at the Food Lion, where they don't pay her enough and her creepy middle-aged boss is always coming on to her, she figured it was some sort of cosmic sign and just went for it. You probably think I'm joking around here, but I'm not. Over-thinking shit like this actually keeps me up at night.

At any rate, I'd have to say that, overall, the Fear Girls are a total bust. (Ha ha! Get it?) Really, why waste your valuable, er, alone time with these awful DVDs when there are chicks like this out there:

This is what happens when you win the genetics lottery.

That's Trina Mason, who has been scientifically determined (using science) to be one of the 500 Coolest Chicks Ever (#226, to be precise). If you must squander your hard-earned money on a girl you're not even dating, squander it on someone like her.

The Shark Con (2010)

Would the world really be any worse off if we wiped out all the sharks? Sure, most of them are harmless, but if even one bikini babe can be saved I think that fully justifies extinctifying the lot of them. Unless the bikini babe in question is a total prude who won't put out or something.

In areas where their population has been compromised by more traditional predators
(drunken frat guys, creepy old dudes who own a yacht, humanoids from the deep), the
loss of even one bikini babe to a shark attack can have a serious impact on the local
environment. Especially if she said she'd go out with you this weekend.

This movie is about whether or not sharks are really endangered, and they interview all sorts of folks, including scientists, fisherdudes, and people who swim with the sharks and want to be their chum. Heh. The most hilarious dude they talk to is "Captain Bill", a shark hunter who's the type of guy you'd call a "colorful character" right before he punched you in the neck. Ha! I'm kidding. Actually he seems like a pretty cool cat, and he has a great story about the time he was banging a girl against the side of his boat when a big ol' hammerhead came creeping around and ate half of his dog after it jumped in to protect them. (Look for his forthcoming book, I Was Almost the First Scene in Every Shark Movie Ever Made). They never do decide whether sharks are endangered or not, but as far as I'm concerned it's a non-issue. We need to stop worrying about preserving a bunch of killer fish that want to eat us and concentrate on helping our seagoing allies, like the bomb-planting dolphin, the sexy but ultimately frustrating mermaid, and, needless to say...

The bikini babe is an important species that needs to be protected in all its forms.
Excluding fat chicks. Please donate now via the Paypal button found elsewhere on
this page. All funds will be used by me to observe these beautiful creatures in the
wild, and possibly buy one of them a rum runner.

The Extreme Adventures of Super Dave (1998)

If you're not familiar with "Super" Dave Osborne, his shtick went something like this: he would attempt some insane stunt, and then they would show something horrible happen to an obvious dummy made up to look like him. It shouldn't have been funny, but it kinda was so I'm gonna give this movie a chance even though...

Holy shit, is his bus driver Ray Charles? Did this guy seriously kick off his first (and likely only) movie with a cheap-ass blind joke? This flick might end up rocking after all. Hot on the heels of that we get a midget joke and some evil dictator jokes, but then the whole thing kinda falls apart and it's just scene after scene of Super Dave getting hurt in increasingly convoluted, improbable ways, which needless to say wears thin pretty quick.

That's Super Dave under the Jeep. I wonder what will happen next?

Let's see, what else... oh, there's a plot too, which takes up entirely too much time and quite frankly bored the piss out of me whenever it reared its ugly head. I also see that the moviemakers went back and dubbed over all the bad words in post, which is not only super distracting once you notice it, but also makes me seriously question lines like this one:

Super Dave: "It smells like you've been rolling in sheep again."

Is that supposed to be a really weird joke that makes no sense, or did they just replace "shit" with "sheep" after the fact? Actually, a better question is, why do this at all? With the possible exception of tits, I can't think of anything you could add to or subtract from a Super Dave Osborne movie that would broaden its audience, so just leave the swear words in there and let the damn thing be what it was meant to be: a crappy PG-13 movie that nobody's going to watch anyway.

Aladdin (1992)

This is one of my favorite cartoons ever: the songs are good, the story is good, the jokes are so good that even Robin Williams can't screw them up, and I'd bone Princess Jasmine in a heartbeat. (And if that fucking tiger of hers bit me on the ass I'd make the bastard into a rug and then bone her again, on the rug.) I'll never buy a copy of it though, because they changed one of the songs for absolutely no reason and that sort of thing just yanks my fucking cock. In the real version of the movie that they showed in theaters, the first song has a part that goes like this:

"Oh I come from a land, from a faraway place
Where the caravan camels roam
Where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face
It's barbaric, but, hey, it's home"

This group called the "Arab Anti-Decimation Committee" (or something) got all pissed off about that though, because according to them people in medieval times (when this movie takes place) weren't violent at all, so obviously it was racist. And they cried so much and so hard that Disney finally bitched out and changed it.

This is my artist's rendition of the Anti-Arab Destination Committee

So that's it then. It's too bad, too, because Aladdin is probably the best Disney cartoon of all time. Thank you, Disney. Thank you for letting the terrorists win.

Adam Kesher "An Allegory of Chastity" (2007)

Music critics really don't care if you listen to them or not, which is fortunate because nobody does. Let's face it, if you're got your mind set on listening to tunes by some crap artist like Bruno Mars or Pearl Jam, you're gonna do it no matter how many self-appointed experts tell you that it sucks ass, and the only reason they even bother is to impress people with how much music trivia they know and how many obscure bands they're familiar with. So lets go ahead and get that part out of the way: this CD sounds like a blender full of New York punk and post-punk set to puree, the racket of which can't drown out the ten-dollar AM radio in the next room that's tuned to the disco station and is cranked up so loud to compensate that it's all distorted with static. It's like a No Wave tribute to Donna Summer. When this Adam Kesher cat occasionally manages to rein it all in he comes closest to sounding like Richard Hell fronting the Members, and while I occasionally dig me some Ricky Hell, I'm not even especially pleased that the Members sound like the Members. I suppose this would've been moderately unusual shit back in, say, 1979, but in the twenty-first century it's just a mediocre noise record that will nevertheless make every know-it-all music critic spooge until he bleeds from the dick because he'll actually get to name-drop No Wave, Richard Hell and the Members all in the course of one review. I do have one major issue with this CD though: the cover. The girl is absolute yum and I got no problem with her (except that she's probably Adam Kesher's girlfriend, and he doesn't deserve that kind of luck), but the lettering is so poorly done that it's kinda hard to read, which totally boned me because I thought I was shoplifting buying a CD by a band named Roam Kesher. Why I felt the need to own a CD by a band named "Roam Kesher" is less defensible, but to be fair, I was pretty baked at the time.

Volcano (1997)

Okay, let's get down to brass dicks. If you're gonna make a movie called "Volcano", one thing you should strive to include is a fucking volcano. That's right- there is no actual volcano in this flick, just a river of magma flowing down the street. They should've just called it "Magma", which is more fun to say anyway. Try it: "mag-ma". That said, I was on board until the part where the little dog escapes just in the nick of time. There is nothing more fucking cloying and obnoxious than a goddamn little dog goddamn escaping in the goddamn nick of time, unless it's poor people trying to save their homes, or black people and honkies learning to work together, and both of those things happen in this movie too. Other annoying things in this flick include smoke rolling back into the crack in the earth it came out of like this was some idiot horror movie or something; a guy rushing into a command center and putting on a pre-loosened tie so he can look all harried and on the edge when shit really starts popping off; everyone driving around with their windows rolled down while tons ash is raining out of the sky; and a main guy who's brilliant plan is to stand right in front of the magma at every opportunity, escape at the very last second, and then stand in front of it again. The ad for this movie said "The Coast is Toast", and it's sort of a movie critic tradition to make fun of it; for example, Roger Ebert said "The Volcano is Drano". Yeah, that doesn't make much sense, but remember, he's fat. Anyway, here's my take:

"The Movie Volcano is a Dumb Piece of Shit".

Take that, Volcano. You dumb piece of shit.

The dils who made Volcano probably expected the audience to react like this stupid, histrionic bitch.

Instead, most of them reacted like this.

Amityville: The Last Testament - Supplemental

In my review of this awful, bottom-feeding crockumentary (it's a word because I say it is), I note how perpetually bewildered the decrepit psychic bag at the center of all the idiocy seems to be. Here's what I was talking about:

Seriously, she looks like she's getting an unexpected phone call from God, and he's telling her that there's actually someone out there who would fuck her without money exchanging hands. You can read the full review of The Last Testament in my book Legendary House of Haunted Hell (which I'm not going to stop pimping, so just break down and buy it already), and you can learn more about psychics by shoving your head entirely up your ass, because they're all a bunch of phonies. Except for the hot ones, apparently; they always seem to know that I want to fuck them.

Pyre and Rotwrap, the Babes of D.O.A.

 

Remember the comic book Nightstalkers? Actually that's a trick question; nobody does, because it was such an embarrassing, incomprehensible piece of shit that real comic book fans wouldn't even use it for kindling. Seriously, this mag was so fucking awful that a bit like this actually passed for "clever":

God, kill me now whoever wrote that now. One good thing did come out of this comic though: the "Department of Occult Armaments", a team of evil secret agents with fucked-up horror-movie powers. And the two best things about D.O.A. were terrorist hotties Pyre and Rotwrap. Pyre is like the five-thousandth comic book character with fire-based powers, but she's a sexy redhead so as far as I'm concerned that puts her miles ahead of the Human Torch. Plus you know this had to happen at least once:

Hapless Dipshit: "Hey, baby, does the carpet match the curtains? Ha ha! AHhHHHHhhhh!!! I'm on fire!!!!!!!!"

And Rotwrap? Well, she's basically a mummy filled with bugs. Okay, that may not be your thing, but I'm Mr. fucking Satanism, and if I wanna kick it with a mummy filled with bugs I'll kick it with a goddamned mummy filled with bugs. Especially when she's sporting a rack like this:

Rot Rack

Disturbingly (yes even more disturbing than my willingness to fuck a chick made out of bugs), Pyre and Rotwrap spent the majority of their time getting beaten up by men and/or begging the men in question not to beat them up. I think the guy who wrote Nightstalkers had some serious mommy issues.

"Turbo Wheels": The worst "toy" ever

See, they're like Hot Wheels, but they're made out of cardboard. That's right, for the still-a-ripoff price of only one dollar you get four or five pieces of cardboard that can be folded into vaguely car-like shapes, and are sure to provide minutes of entertainment before tearing, getting wet, or you realize what a goddamned idiot you were to spend even a dollar on such a wretched piece of shit product. Bonus cluelessness: actual Hot Wheels cars, also priced at a dollar, were located on a peg right next to these.