Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Fear Girls (2008) and Fear Girls Vol. II (2009)

Considering the target audience -- hard-core horror movie nerds -- shouldn't that title have a question mark after it? Ha ha! Here's the real question though: where did the people who made this DVD find so many over-the-hill single moms who were willing to show the world their fakes? The vampire dame who kicks the whole thing off is especially hagged out - she looks like she'd already lived forever long before Dracula got to her. Part of the problem, of course, is that this was filmed in HD, and HD emphasizes every little flaw, like the fact that most of these bitches are skunk-ugly. I'm not (just) being a dick when I tell you that I've picked up hotter ass at the dog track. Seriously, in all of wherever this was produced, they couldn't find any pussy better than what's on display here? Best read those end credits so I can update my ever-expanding list of places not to go.

Huh. Miami. I must admit, this comes as kind of a surprise. I thought chicks from Miami were only ugly on the inside.

The first Fear Girls didn't exactly leave me puking for more, but I will admit, this one is a vast improvement: the girls are (mostly) hotter and the boobs are (mostly) real-er. It's still not very sexy though (who taught these bims how to dance? Alfred Hitchcock?), and videos without actual plots always throw me because I just can't stop myself from grafting a backstory onto whatever is happening on the screen. For example, I kept trying to imagine what motivated vaguely-punk babe to get naked and dance around in that graveyard. (Besides the actress needing to earn enough bread to cover her boyfriend's bail, I mean.) Is she lonely? Is she crazy? Maybe she always wanted to reenact the striptease scene from Return of the Living Dead, and when her car broke down right next to a graveyard on her way home from her job at the Food Lion, where they don't pay her enough and her creepy middle-aged boss is always coming on to her, she figured it was some sort of cosmic sign and just went for it. You probably think I'm joking around here, but I'm not. Over-thinking shit like this actually keeps me up at night.

At any rate, I'd have to say that, overall, the Fear Girls are a total bust. (Ha ha! Get it?) Really, why waste your valuable, er, alone time with these awful DVDs when there are chicks like this out there:

This is what happens when you win the genetics lottery.
That's Trina Mason, who has been scientifically determined (using science) to be one of the 500 Coolest Chicks Ever (#226, to be precise). If you must squander your hard-earned money on a girl you're not even dating, squander it on someone like her.

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