Thursday, August 30, 2012

StageFright (1987)

All these gay fags are rehearsing a play when a killer in an owl mask shows up and starts whacking everybody. Ha ha! Get 'em, Woodsy! Owl or nothing! There's plenty of gore and a couple of the murders are fairly cool (guy impaled with drill, broad cut in half), but the chicks are pretty low-caliber so frankly it's hard to get invested in the story because who cares if a bunch of ugly chicks die or not? I mean, we've seen this crap about a million times before so if no hot chicks were willing to get on board and an owl mask was the best twist they could come up they really should've considered trying something different. Like why not take it one step further and have an actual giant owl show up? He could be pissed at the actors because their typical artistic histrionics woke him up, so he just starts swooping down, carrying people off, and ripping them to pieces. At first everybody runs away, but then they feel stupid being chased off by an owl so they get some weapons and come back. Since owls are wise though the feathered fucker outsmarts them all and dismembers almost everybody. Naturally the last person standing manages to kill the thing, but when the cops show up s/he gets arrested because -- here's your big twist -- it turns out the owl was an endangered species! Hell, if you could work in a part where the owl rapes a chick that would be like the icing on the cake and I think it goes without saying that it would also be a groundbreaking movie first. Seriously, that took me all of two seconds to come up with. What the hell is wrong with Hollywood anyway?

"Hey, guys? Owl with a chainsaw. OWL WITH A CHAINSAW!"

1 comment:

  1. Owl's well that ends well. Owl be damned.