Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Volcano (1997)


Okay, let's get down to brass dicks. If you're gonna make a movie called "Volcano", one thing you should strive to include is a fucking volcano. That's right- there is no actual volcano in this flick, just a river of magma flowing down the street. They should've just called it "Magma", which is more fun to say anyway. Try it: "mag-ma". That said, I was on board until the part where the little dog escapes just in the nick of time. There is nothing more fucking cloying and obnoxious than a goddamn little dog goddamn escaping in the goddamn nick of time, unless it's poor people trying to save their homes, or black people and honkies learning to work together, and both of those things happen in this movie too. Other annoying things in this flick include smoke rolling back into the crack in the earth it came out of like this was some idiot horror movie or something; a guy rushing into a command center and putting on a pre-loosened tie so he can look all harried and on the edge when shit really starts popping off; everyone driving around with their windows rolled down while tons ash is raining out of the sky; and a main guy who's brilliant plan is to stand right in front of the magma at every opportunity, escape at the very last second, and then stand in front of it again. The ad for this movie said "The Coast is Toast", and it's sort of a movie critic tradition to make fun of it; for example, Roger Ebert said "The Volcano is Drano". Yeah, that doesn't make much sense, but remember, he's fat. Anyway, here's my take:

"The Movie Volcano is a Dumb Piece of Shit".

Take that, Volcano. You dumb piece of shit.

The dils who made Volcano probably expected the audience to react like this stupid, histrionic bitch.

Instead, most of them reacted like this.

8 comments:

  1. I'm surprised that you didn't complain about that obnoxious old bitch that fucks up everyone's lives with her I'm helpless/feel sorry for me routine. I hated the shit out of her and just screamed at the T.V. "JUST FUCKING KILL HER YOURSELF! YOU'LL ALL BE BETTER OFF!"
    I can't think of a worse character in any movie ever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dude, I've been married three times. I'm so used to women like her that, frankly, she barely made an impression.

      Delete
  2. I've never seen so much blown-in insulation in my life! You forgot to mention that that annoying lesbian bitch that wouldn't blow Harrison Ford in "The Mosquito Coast was in this flick. That's a good enough reason to avoid this like the Black Death.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But who gets that far into "The Mosquito Coast"?

      Delete
  3. Love this site! Your reviews are hilarious.

    The black woman pic is classic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! Hope to update more regularly after the end of the month. Currently working another gig and it's really cutting into my movie watching time.

      Delete
    2. You're welcome. Looking forward to reading more of your stuff!

      Delete