The Monitors (1969)

It's the swingin' mod future, apparently, and the whole world is policed by the Monitors, passionless, uptight white dudes sporting bowler hats. So really, aside from the hats, it's not all that different from today. Well, except that the Monitors have apparently made everything better, from ending war to curing the common cold. And as far as anyone can tell, they've done it all through peaceful means, like an army of Lock & Co.-sponsored Ghandis. Our main guy doesn't trust them though, and after he knocks a Monitor out he's approached by this slapsticky rebel underground and asked to sign up. Did I say "slapsticky"? That's right, because as heavy as this all sounds it's really more of a zany comedy that just has delusions of pretentious. There are a handful of funny bits (like when someone assures the main guy that the revolution is non-profit), and the brunette who helps our main guy escape from the Monitor re-education place is beyond fine, but it's all pretty one-note, and if I want to watch a dated, unfunny, one-note, anti-war comedy, Dr. Strangelove is probably on TCM right now.

Yeah, you read that right. Fuck Dr. Strangelove. Learn why it sucks here.

Alice (1988)

I never really "got" Alice in Wonderland. I mean, is it just supposed to be weird, or scary, or annoying, or what? I suppose it's pretty redundant to say that anything is like Alice in Wonderland on acid, but I will say that this take is extra fucked-up and surreal, all without being in the least bit interesting. Alice ends up in "Wonderland" after following a taxidermy rabbit (it got better) into a junk drawer, where she turns into a doll, a rat pounds a couple of stakes into her head, a bunch of animal skeletons lay siege to a dollhouse she's hiding in, she's dragged around by chickens, she's locked in a pantry, she finds a loaf of bread with nails in it (it's like the worst Halloween handout times two), dishes are thrown at her, and she's threatened with decapitation. None of this actually kills her though, which is unfortunate because believe me she is beyond fucking annoying. ("'I'd dearly love to bash her goddamned face in,' said Mr. Satanism.") Since this movie was made in Czechoslovakia, "Wonderland" is AKA a condemned apartment building, and most of the "magical" creatures are represented by things like old socks. Of course, this probably resonated with the kids over there, who were used to using their imaginations in this manner since their version of getting the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier for Christmas generally was unwrapping a re-purposed box containing an old sock. Ah, Communism, your failures are endless. As for this movie, I can't remember the last time I was so bored by bizarre, nightmarish shit. Seriously, when it comes to Alice in Wonderland, give me the Tom Petty version any day. Or any version that's a porno, that 's cool too.

The Best Years of Our Lives - Supplemental

Now in shocking 3-D!

(The full review appears in my first book, The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck. Available here.)

The Initiation (1984)

Four sorority pledges vs. a homicidal maniac. That's known as a classic setup, ladies and gentlemen. This slasher flick stars known hottie... uh, what's-'er-name... the brunette from Melrose Place who was always being victimized and shit. You know who I mean; every week someone was beating her up, or raping her, or shooting her, or kidnapping her baby (seriously, this happened like three times), or fucking up her order at the drive-thru and then, when she went in to get her missing burrito, raping her with it. I'm not kidding - if you could get cancer by being raped by your own kidnapped baby, it would have happened to this chick. Anyway, she plays one of four pledges assigned to break into a department store as part of a sorority prank. The hottest of the lot assures her survival by backing out at the zero hour, but the other three go through with it and run afoul of the main chick's complicated backstory, who recently escaped from the loony bin by killing a Nurse Wretched type and jacking her wheels. The killer terrorizes the Chipettes and their idiot friends until it's time to wrap things up, at which point there's a big twist that could have only originated in the deepest recesses of someone's ass. It's a bullshit, ripoff ending to a movie that wasn't gory enough anyway, and, even worse, Melrose chick and the other cited hottie never show us their tits, but their mediocre friend does. Stupid movie, these aren't the tits we're looking for. You can go about your business. Move along.

Square Pegs (1982-1983)

This show has kind of a following because, you know, the 1980s, but remember what that old guy who taught Luke Skywalker how to lightsaber said:

"Who is more foolish? The fool, or the fool who watches it?"

For real, Square Pegs' 1980s shtick is more forced than 1980s shows that were made after the 1980s were over. Take, like, the chick who says "like" like so many times that, like, you want to, like, choke her to, like, death with, like, your penis. (Hey, I'm saying she's annoying, not ugly.) Then there's the guy who's supposed to be new wave, even though it's painfully obvious that the writers have no idea what that is. Although they're pretty sure it has something to do with the Clash. And even if you can ignore all the heavy-handed 1980s bullshit, the plots are filled with completely fucktarded, sub-Saved By the Bell occurrences. For example, in one episode this chick is disposing of her lunch every day by flushing it down the toilet because, I dunno, the cool kids, or anorexia or something. Anyway, it won't always flush, which is presented as a problem despite the fact that, last time I checked, you can generally throw shit you don't want into garbage cans too. Or on the ground. Talk about bending over backwards for a gag. Seriously, hacks who made this show, write much? Or what about the one where they install video games in the school cafeteria, so kids are constantly in there playing Pac Man instead of going to class? What the hell kind of school are these clowns running? (Oh, yeah, public school.) There's tons of bush-league mistakes too, like a part where we hear everyone in the room mumbling and whispering but can clearly see that no one is mumbling or whispering, and a bit where the new wave guy is only allowed into a cool-kid party so he can operate the sound board for the band, but then the episode completely forgets its own plot and he spends the entire time dancing to the band instead.

Speaking of bands, one of this show's big selling points is the music, but if you're one of those people who likes music don't get too excited. Devo shows up and actually plays a song that isn't "Whip It", but beyond that the only tunes of note are by Jimmy and the Mustangs (notable for being the only 1980s rockabilly band not called "The [Something] Cats") and the Waitresses, and as you know the Waitresses are only famous for two things: 1) writing the two worst songs in the history of the universe, including the future and 2) having a lead singer who is so badger-cunt ugly that I wouldn't fuck her for money. You know who I would fuck for money though? The super-annoying pep chick. No one that energetic could be anything but a shrieking romp monster in bed. (Well, either that or she'd break down crying halfway through, which would be even better.) Plus I like the fact that she's an insufferable twat. The only chick in this entire show who trumps her is the incidental redhead who occasionally shows up in crowd scenes:

Hell yes. I'll tell you what, I would put my peg in any hole that chippie offered. It isn't square, though. Frankly it's more like a baby's arm. Assuming that baby was super well-hung of course.

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Four Movies About Making Movies that Never Should Have Been Made

This was originally written for the now-defunct website obnoxi.us. Re-presented here with some tweaks and added value tits.

Did you ever see the movie 8½? It's a supposedly classic film about this guy who wants to make a movie, so he wanders around daydreaming about it for two hours while absolutely nothing happens. I outed it as a piece of shit in my new book, The100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, but it's far from the last movie to attempt to be all meta and fall flat on its dick. Here are four more movies about making movies that never should have been made:

1. Urban Legend 2: Final Cut (2000)

The Pitch: People making a movie about a serial killer who uses urban legends as his motif are suddenly being murdered for real. For those of you not familiar with the word "motif", I believe it's French.

Why It Probably Seemed Like a Good Idea: This exact same gimmick worked out great for Scream 2 (1997), and coming up with new ideas is hard.

Why It Fails: First off, it opens with an entire jet liner full off people being slaughtered, but then – Surprise! – it turns out that we're really watching someone making a movie about an entire jet liner etc. Amazing. Except that's not what we were watching before, unless all that action that was obviously going down on a real jetliner and not a movie set was meant to represent the cast and crew's particularly vivid imaginations or something. One bullshit fake out is bad enough, but then they go and pull the exact same thing again at the very end! Lying to the audience: Strike 1. (Oh, and spoiler warning, x 2.)

The vast majority of the murders don't have anything to do with any urban legend I've ever heard, and I've heard 'em all because my friends are gullible idiots. Which is why they're my friends. Ripping off the audience: Strike 2.

You know there's a killer after you, but you proceed with your plan to shoot a horror movie on location at an abandoned theme park, unsupervised, at night? And you send everyone else to lunch? Treating the audience like goddamned retards: Strike 3.

The actual murders aren't very inventive. Hell, eventually the killer just pulls out a gun and starts shooting everyone! It's pretty obvious he isn't even trying anymore. Not giving the audience what it wants: Strike 4.

And finally, a slasher movie with no tits in it? You better believe that's Strike 5. And as everyone who's ever played sandlot baseball knows, you never get five strikes, even if you're in the kid in the wheelchair and your dad just died.

2. Hi, Mom! (1970)

The Pitch: A Vietnam vet (played by the crazy fuck from Taxi Driver) comes home from the war, invests in a movie camera, and uses it to stalk women and cast them in amateur pornography without their knowledge.

Why It Probably Seemed Like a Good Idea: 1) It's the sequel to Greetings (1968), a movie that was actually pretty good. 2) It name-checks Vietnam, and even movies about Vietnam that weren't really about Vietnam – example: MASH – raked in assloads of cash in 1970. 3) Did someone say pornography?

Why It Fails: I think Rear Window (1954) milked the whole "spying on your neighbors" comedy for pretty much all it was worth. (Remember how he was in a wheelchair? Ha ha!) Besides, approximately 50% of your potential audience doesn't want to watch the creepy-ass fuck from Taxi Driver surreptitiously photograph chicks and participate in a near-rape, unless of course it's in the context of a Lifetime Original Movie where he's eventually exposed by Shannen Doherty and Crystal Bernard, based on a true story leading to new stalking legislation. As for those of us who do go for that sort of thing, we prefer a more, shall we say, hands-on approach. Seriously, if I could get my rocks off by just videotaping teenage runaways, I'd still be able to store shit in my crawlspace.

3. Bad Girls from Mars (1989)

The Pitch: Someone is murdering every actress who... okay, seriously, this again? I'm beginning to think that the people who make movies about making movies have some serious anger issues.

Why It Probably Seemed Like a Good Idea: Everyone with a non-gay penis who has ever seen this on the video store shelf has considered renting it at least once.

Why It Fails: A flick like this can go in one of two directions: it can be a hilarious, knowing satire of the porn industry, or tits.

They made their decision, and we have to live with it.

The "jokes" consist mainly of goofy sound effects (Boing!) and people falling down, followed by a goofy sound effect (Aroo-gah!). In fact, the tone is so out-of-date and corny that there's even a rim shot at one point! (No, no, the kind you play on the drums. You're a pervert, you know that? Unless you're a girl, in which case I like the way you think.) Hey, the 1930's called and they want their material back. Also they said to go fuck yourself. Even when they do come up with a good bit (like when this one guy mixes Alka-Seltzer with Jack Daniels) they linger on the punchline for so long you'll start to think you're watching one of those movies that was done all in one take, like Rope (1948) or, my personal favorite, Mr. Satanism Finally Nails Kevin's Sister - Don't Erase! (1997). (Oh, and again in 2009. In your face, Kevin. And all over hers. Ha ha!) As for the nudity, well, every woman is beautiful in some way. Except the ones in this movie. They range from mediocre chicks with really bad fakes, to a broad I think plays cards with my grandmother, to my actual grandmother, showing off her really bad fakes. (Seriously, Maw-Maw, again?) If you're the type of guy who reads a lot of Golden Girls slash fiction you might see something you like. The rest of us, not so much. Oh, and as an extra "screw you" bonus, the VHS tape version (it was a dollar, okay?) is so badly manufactured that you can adjust it so that the picture is clear, or adjust it so that the sound is clear, but not both at the same time. So even if you're a gerontophiliac with really, really bad taste in movies, they still made it impossible for you to enjoy this flick.

4. Cecil B. Demented (2000)

The Pitch: Some kids kidnap an actress and force her to star in their underground movie/terrorist performance art. Because that would work.

Why It Probably Seemed Like a Good Idea: Ha ha, it's a pun! Never mind that these days almost nobody remembers who Cecil B. DeMille was. Also it's written and directed by noted gay homosexual John Waters, so, using Hollywood logic, 10% of the population will want to see it automatically. (Note: Exodus International ministries would like to point out that they refute this statistic - they insist it's 2%, tops. Also they asked me to inform you that everyone who watches John Waters movies or listens to Erasure is going to Hell. Especially that stupid EP of Abba covers.)

Why It Fails: When your most famous movie ends with a fat transvestite actually eating dog poop on camera, you've got a lot to live up to. People who make an informed decision to see this flick aren't going to stand for some low-key, pie-fucking, spooge-in-the-hair shenanigans; if your movie isn't foul enough to make GG Allin puke and then cry himself to sleep every day for a week then you've already failed. Well, this flick wouldn't even make the Fresh Beat Band's target audience puke. A hot redhead begging for sex? A cute, brunette Satanist drinking goat piss? Where I come from that's not shocking, that's foreplay. The only thing over-the-top about this movie are the awful, heavy-handed attempts to be clever. Really, jokes about high concession stand prices? A whole bit about how bad Patch Adams is? Seriously, Waters, that's the best you can come up with? Go back to China.

We'll keep the redhead though. Damn.

In a Dark Place - Supplemental

For those of you who read the review of this blatant Turn of the Screw lift in my book Legendary House of Haunted Hell and wondered what the nanny I was drooling over actually looks like, here she is:

 

Look at that. Someone please tell me when it's our turn to screw.

An Indeterminate Number of Blind Boys

This Five Blind Boys album is a little bit of all right, if you like this sort of thing (by "this sort of thing" I mean black people, obviously), but can you tell me what's wrong with the cover? That's right - there's only four of them! Ha! Art design fail. Also, I'm pretty sure the one in the upper left isn't really blind.

I'm Back, Bitches!

Hey all, the main site is still on hiatus, but when it does return I was thinking it should be a little more interactive, so that people can comment on reviews, argue, make fools of themselves, and possibly even meet and fall in love. The best format for this, I feel, is the blog format, so consider this a test run for that, sort of a Mr. Satanism [dot] com 2.5, if you will. Look for supplementary material relating to the reviews in my books (The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck; 66.6 Absurd Movies About the Devil; Legendary House of Haunted Hell; and the upcoming Lifetime for Men), reviews and observations that don't really fit anywhere else, and my usual furious misanthropy. Comments welcomed and encouraged!