Alice (1988)

I never really "got" Alice in Wonderland. I mean, is it just supposed to be weird, or scary, or annoying, or what? I suppose it's pretty redundant to say that anything is like Alice in Wonderland on acid, but I will say that this take is extra fucked-up and surreal, all without being in the least bit interesting. Alice ends up in "Wonderland" after following a taxidermy rabbit (it got better) into a junk drawer, where she turns into a doll, a rat pounds a couple of stakes into her head, a bunch of animal skeletons lay siege to a dollhouse she's hiding in, she's dragged around by chickens, she's locked in a pantry, she finds a loaf of bread with nails in it (it's like the worst Halloween handout times two), dishes are thrown at her, and she's threatened with decapitation. None of this actually kills her though, which is unfortunate because believe me she is beyond fucking annoying. ("'I'd dearly love to bash her goddamned face in,' said Mr. Satanism.") Since this movie was made in Czechoslovakia, "Wonderland" is AKA a condemned apartment building, and most of the "magical" creatures are represented by things like old socks. Of course, this probably resonated with the kids over there, who were used to using their imaginations in this manner since their version of getting the G.I. Joe Aircraft Carrier for Christmas generally was unwrapping a re-purposed box containing an old sock. Ah, Communism, your failures are endless. As for this movie, I can't remember the last time I was so bored by bizarre, nightmarish shit. Seriously, when it comes to Alice in Wonderland, give me the Tom Petty version any day. Or any version that's a porno, that 's cool too.