Thursday, April 24, 2014

Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

Years after they cranked out what even militant atheists prayed would be the last Hellraiser sequel here's Part christing 9, promising us "revelations" but in reality just delivering the same old shit. One change they did make though was replacing the actor who played Pindick in all the previous Hellraisers, a move I'm sure had the nerds who follow this franchise (all 16 of them) up in arms. Me, I barely noticed. Sure, he looked a lot angrier this time around, but I just attributed this to the fact that they hadn't made a Hellraiser movie in eight years so he was probably really, really behind on his credit card payments.

Please use payday loans responsibly.
So, in what's basically a horror movie remake of the Charlie Sheen classic The Boys Next Door, two dissatisfied teenage dorks go on an escalating criminal rampage in Mexico: getting drunk, killing a hooker, and eventually using a Barker Box to open the gates of Hell, unleashing unspeakable misery on the whole of mankind. Fucking kids. Supposedly the original Pindick actor, displaying a hilarious lack of self-awareness, refused to be in this one because he thought it wouldn't be any good, but it's no worse than any other Hellraiser movie, which is damning with faint praise to be sure but what do you want from me? I just sat through nine of these goddamned things. There's some decent gore, some okay tits, a super hot lil' blonde gets felt up by her own brother, and an especially stoic guy holds a long, sober discourse immediately after taking a shotgun blast to the guts. Oh, and in my favorite bit in this entire series, one character does what no fan of these movies has probably ever done and actually looks up the real and fairly prosaic word "cenobite" in the dictionary. Turns out it means "cheese" or something.
For more brilliant reviews, check out Shark Weak:The Worst Shark Movies Ever Made, available on Amazon.

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