Monday, April 21, 2014

Hellraiser: Deader (2003)

When is seven an unlucky number? When it's the seventh goddamned unwarranted Hellraiser movie, that's when. And what the fuck is "deader"? Unless you're comparing something to disco, that's not even a word. Dr. Seuss and Mary Poppins are permitted to invent words. You, Hellraiser Part 7, are not.

So, I guess investigative reporters still barely existed in 2003 (unlike today, when even the major news outlets are content to cut & paste their "stories" from random Twitter feeds), so I'll buy that our main chick is one, hot on the trail of a mysterious suicide/resurrection cult. Oh, and Pindick is senselessly gunning for this cult too, because, let's face it, he just enjoys being a royal pain in the ass. In all fairness this isn't such a bad flick: it's set, wisely, in Eastern Europe (fully exploiting its dual benefits of being intrinsically creepy and a cheap place to film); the main chick is hella cute; there's tits and gore; the cult includes several junkie-looking hotties; there's an admirably twisted scene where the main chick wakes up with a huge knife sticking out of her back; and there's the endless hilarity of Eastern Europe's epic technological fail re: their gigantic telephones. Seriously, when people in Eastern Europe lose their homes, temporarily taking up residence inside a consumer-grade telephone handset probably is a realistic, viable alternative:

Kinda worth seeing, although it would've been a way better movie if they'd simply eliminated the Hellraiser flourishes altogether, or, at the very least, given us a break from Pindick. I mean really, there's no reason he has to show up in every single one of these things. Give him a day off to walk his skinless dog in the park, or get his nails done or whatever. Maybe he'd mellow out a little bit.
Did you get that I'm doing this to hype Shark Weak? Buy Shark Weak!

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