Thursday, April 17, 2014

Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2001)

Why must all these Hellraiser flicks have titles like unreleased Deicide albums? Is the simple honesty of "Hellraiser 6" too much to ask? Or really mess with our expectations and call it "Hellraiser: Bunny Ruckus". Seriously, who wouldn't download that one?

"We have SUCH sights to show you!"
This cat suffers blackouts, memory loss, and hallucinations after a car accident. On the plus side, he seems to be laying an inordinate amount of pipe. So what's the deal? Well, apparently his wife is the main chick from Parts 1 and 2, back in a pointless and wholly unnecessary attempt to establish some through-line to these stupid movies, and she has a deal with Pindick, which, after an interminable parade of random nonsense, pays off (in the loosest sense of the term) when we learn that our main cat actually died in that accident, and has been dead the entire time. Wow, we've never seen THAT twist before, you lazy assholes. Seriously, it's high time we put a moratorium (heh) on this bullshit, over-used Owl Creek Bridge/Jacob's Ladder/Sixth Sense gimmick, which, unless you're ten months old and enjoying baby's first movie, is never a surprise to anyone since it's always blatantly telegraphed from the very first scene. (Or the very first episode, if you're J.J. Abrams.) (I figured it out the second that fool got sucked into the plane engine, Abrams.) (You hack.) You know what, screw it: from now on I'm just going to assume that every main character in every movie and TV show ever produced is already dead, freeing me up from watching the lot of them. I'll have a lot more time to get shit accomplished, that's for sure. And, as a bonus, crap I regret watching previously will be considerably more entertaining in retrospect:

Dead. Every single one of these a-holes was dead.

Also blessedly, blessedly dead.

Dead! All dead! Ha ha ha ha ha!

We should be so lucky
Buy my book. Seriously, it has sharks in it. What's not to like?


  1. Seth MacFarlane was shit out from the asshole of the world. CUE POP CULTURE REFERENCE!

    1. I almost used Bam Margera as that final example, but then decided that the world is an infinitely better place the less we all think about Bam Margera.