Thursday, October 24, 2013

976-EVIL II (1992)

This starts off okay, with a passable dame showing off the dynamic duo before being impaled, but after that it's all over the fucking map. There are some cool bits -- like when one guy is blasted by a semi truck -- but then they go and give us a scene where the main dude is attacked by a kitchen, complete with frozen pizzas flying out of the freezer at him like deadly frisbees. (My spell-check kept trying to capitalize "frisbee", but I wasn't having it. Fuck you, Wham-O.) It's also got a part where Red Sonja reads her lines off a piece of paper she has (not so) cleverly hidden in a book (what a dumb, unprofessional twat), and the infamous scene where a ninja pops up in a chick's car and drives it into an electrical transformer, which I've seen re-purposed in at least two other movies. Cheap, lazy fucks. And could someone please explain to me how a ghost can be "killed" by falling off a cliff? This disaster's sole saving grace is the main chick's best friend; she is so goddamned fine there aren't even words in the English language to describe it. You'd have to speak French:

Seriously, we are talking total destination fuck here. Plus she digs horror movies, and is the only character in this movie who knows how to dress. Too bad she's ultimately sucked into a television and killed by the zombies from It's a Wonderful Life. No, that's not a typo. If these chuckleheads had been smart, they would've come up with some viral marketing campaign where you call the 976-EVIL number and an actress purporting to be the actress playing this chick talks dirty to you. Of course, if they were smart, they wouldn't have made a sequel to 976-EVIL in the first place.
Why does It's a Wonderful Life secretly suck? Find out here.


  1. I remember the first one. As if you would call a "horrorscope" hotline when you're all alone. Didn't think this was sequel material, but then again what do I know.

  2. The dean was not a ghost. He was using astral projection, but not at the end. He hid in the trunk of her car when she fled from the jail. You should really pay better attention when watching movies if you plan on reviewing them.

    1. I see, he was using astral projection "but not at the end". Who cares? It's still a stupid movie. And yet here you are, defending it from its many detractors on the Internet. Get your priorities straight, idiot.

      Like how it took me several months to come up with this response? That whole time, I was torn between calling you an "idiot" or a "moron".