Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Electric Dreams (1984)

I kid you not, I taped this movie off the television back in 1986 and am just getting around to watching that very same VHS tape now, "now" being most of the way through the year 2013. Mr. Satanism gets shit done.

Bonus: There was an old Traci Lords video stuck in it.
Our hero is some sort of office drone who's trying to develop an "earthquake-proof brick". Okay, what? Anyway, he buys a home computer (a pretty ballsy move in 1984, when most people would've spent that money on a Michael Jackson Thriller jacket, or at least some more coke), and, if I understand what I'm seeing correctly, tries to download the entire Internet while simultaneously getting the motherboard drunk on champagne. (Hey, it was the 1980's; people assumed computers could do anything.) Result: the A.I. falls in love with him (after all that porn and booze, who can blame it?) and tries to sabotage his relationship with the cellist he's boning. Failing that, it ultimately does what any self-respecting third wheel should do and commits fucking suicide. Yeah, you read that right. Take the hint, Scott. It's a silly movie even by "What's a computer?" standards, and full of dumb, forced scenes, like the part where the main guy hides the computer from his girl in a slapsticky fashion (why?) or the part where his pager keeps going off during a classical music concert, resulting in more unnecessary slapstick (just take the battery out, asshole). There's more of this shit, but really, it's just embarrassing. You know how some movies are made by talented amateurs? Well this feels like a movie made by untalented professionals - it's slick and pretty, but wrongheaded in nearly every other way that counts. Features obscure 1980's touchstones like the best Philip Oakley song ever (not difficult), and a box of Powdered Donutz cereal. Remember Donutz cereal? That shit was the bomb. Man, fuck health.

Shit tasted just like motherfuckin' donuts!
Legendary House of Haunted Hell. It's the perfect Halloween gift for the horror fan who has everything, except a copy of Legendary House of Haunted Hell.

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