Monday, October 7, 2013

Iron Sky (2012)

Despite an impressive budget and a slick, second-tier Hollywood look, Iron Sky is not a big, soulless, empty-headed Hollywood movie, and what's tragically ironic about this is that soulless, empty-headed Hollywood actually would have done a better job. Really, this could've been such a cool movie and it's such a piece of shit. The time is the near future (you can tell because there's a woman President; previous near-futures have always featured a black one), and, as it turns out, the Nazis have been hiding out on the dark side of the moon this entire time, just waiting for a chance to get their hands on a cell phone battery to power their ultimate death weapon and conquer the world once and for all. Opposing them: an irreverent black guy who, quite frankly, is more like a parody of a black person as envisioned by somebody who's never actually met one before. (Imagine your little sister's idiot boyfriend doing his best Will Smith at a party and you'll have some idea what I'm talking about here.) In fact, this entire movie feels like a parody of itself, except minus the parts where it's aware of this or in any way funny. Here's an example: a guy tells a chick she's a knockout, and then... wait for it... he's knocked out! Ha ha! Wow.

Nazis haven't been this zany since Hogan's Heroes. And the invasion of Belgium.
There's inappropriate comedic music when super dramatic shit is going down, the main black guy is transformed into a white guy (This necessitates covering the black actor with whiteface. Er, is that racist or not?); the Nazis' second-in-command tools around the 'hood in a stolen VW Microbus; all the female characters seem to think they're in a porno, making every important decision based on whether or not it will get them laid; the political commentary is so heavy-handed that it makes Tom Tomorrow look witty and subtle by comparison; and the big spaceship battle at the end is so flat and uninvolving that it could have been lifted from the Star Wars prequels. Pluses are limited to a hot Nazi chick in her underwear (which just gave me an awesome idea for this weekend), two good jokes, and an admirably-cynical final shot. Other than that this movie seems to have been crafted by some sort of pod people who have no working knowledge of anything: women, the law, history, politics, jokes, the military... It's like something an unsocialized four-year-old would come up with, except we could simply spank the four-year-old and then give him a time-out, effectively nipping any more of his nonsense right in the bud. Too bad that isn't possible here, but rest assured that, in protest of this movie, I will symbolically spank a girl dressed as a Nazi, very, very soon. And maybe get some in return.

This weekend is gonna be so awesome.

SO awesome...
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