Monday, September 16, 2013

The ABCs of Death (2012)

Okay, here it is, the ultimate anthology movie - twenty-six fucking stories. The gimmick is that they found twenty-six directors with nothing better to do (not difficult), assigned each one of them a letter, let them pick a word that starts with that letter, and then each one had "complete artistic freedom" to make a short movie about death that has something to do with their word. The end result is kinda like Harlan Ellison's "From A to Z, in the Chocolate Alphabet" only way shittier, or, alternately, like Harlan Ellison's "From A to Z, in the Sarsaparilla Alphabet" only considerably less shitty. That's right, Ellison, I said it. Start lawyering up.

This is one of the first pics that came up when I searched my
image provider for "lawyer". If that chick on the left was my
lawyer, I'd totally bang her. What do you think?
Highlights include the letter A (that was a lucky break); the letter N (sorta funny); the letter P (legitimately good); the letter Q ("Let's kill this fuckin' duck."); the letter L (pretty fucking twisted, should've been a whole movie); and the letter B (nice tits). Lowlights include the letter D (for "dumb", apparently); the letter R ("retarded"); the letter E (It's an urban legend. Write your own shit, you lazy hack.); the letter G (Lazy, again. Probably took this guy an hour to shoot.); the letter H (creepy furry bullshit); the letter K ("copremesis" starts with a C, idiot); the letter W (I see someone's familiar with Shadoe Steven's Shadoevision. Also, "WTF" isn't a word, jackass.); the letter X (I know X is hard, but "XXL" isn't a word, either.); the letter Y (starring Fantastic Four nemesis the Puppet Master); the letter Z (Nonsensical, self-indulgent horseshit. Gross though.); and the letter F. Especially the letter F. Seriously, you're allowed to pick any word in the entire English language and this lowbrow butt-sniffer picks "fart"??? This entry is so bad that even Japanese teacher-schoolgirl statutory lesbianism can't save it, making it a serious contender for single worst thing ever filmed, ever, including snuff movies and every episode of Hee Haw Honeys except the one where they all got naked, if that happened. Here's a better F word for you, director Noboru Iguchi: fuck off.

Hollywood will embrace him with open arms.
As you can see, there's more bad than good (just like the real alphabet), making the overall experience pretty wretched. It's a great argument against "complete artistic freedom" though.

A sequel is threatened.
All the letters that appear in this movie are also featured in my books. Available here.


  1. I just had to look up "copremesis" and all I can say is, "ewww" just "ewww."

    How can a movie that grossed $21,660.00 be all that bad, anyway?

  2. Maybe it's because my name is David and I'm biased, but I liked D.