Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Treasure of the Four Crowns (1983)

A smarmy-looking dork (nice hair, you fucking guido) raids this ancient keep, where he's forced to brave impenetrable booby traps (by "impenetrable" I mean "What the hell just happened, exactly?"), vultures, wolves, snakes, crossbow-wielding ghosts, and, naturally, pterodactyls. Why all the effort? To obtain a magical key that opens the little pop-top adorning these four magical crowns. What, no one knows a locksmith? Or has a penknife? Anyway, the next step, it seems, is to acquire all the crowns. See, the good guys only have the one, while this uncooperative evil cult is hoarding the other two. The fourth one? Oh, there is no fourth one anymore; apparently the Arabs broke the fourth crown years ago, and didn't even have it insured. Stupid assholes.

Not this guy again.
Naturally the smarmy dork is enlisted to obtain the four three two remaining crowns, so to facilitate this he rounds up a theatrical drunk ("If it doesn't come in a bottle, I'm not interested!"), a circus strongman (his gay lover, the clown, is less than enthusiastic about his participation in this ridiculous scheme), and a sexy trapeze artist with a highly spankable ass. The magic key, meanwhile, apparently has a mind of its own, and actually tries to escape, even using ESP at one point to destroy an entire cabin. The sequence where they break into the cult's secret publicly-disclosed headwaters to steal the crowns is pretty disappointing compared to the acquisition of the key (there aren't even any pterodactyls), but the final showdown is a laugh riot, full of people with cartoonishly spinning Exorcist heads, magical jewels that shoot fire, and exploding... well, everything. Seriously, so much shit fatally explodes at the end of this movie, and for so long, that it looks like a municipal fireworks display gone horribly awry, leading to hundreds of lawsuits that eventually bankrupt the city. And don't even ask me to explain the very last scene, which makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

Dumb as hell, completely awesome, and at least 10% better than Indiana Jones III.
Treasure of my four six awesome books. Tons of reviews. Dirt cheap. Collect them all.


  1. I once had magical jewels that shot fire, but a little penicillin cleared it right up.