Thursday, September 12, 2013

Return of the Killer Shrews (2012)

The first Killer Shrews was made in 1959, which means that this sequel came out over fifty years later. And it's not just some phony-baloney johnny-come-lately sequel-in-name-only either, like Food of the Gods 2 or The Phantom Menace; it's a legitimate continuation that even stars one of the same actors as the same character! (It's all such a mindfuck that for a while I completely forgot that the original Killer Shrews sucked a fair amount of ass, so why the hell was I watching a sequel to it in the first place?) Too bad our returning "hero" seems to be channeling Rosco P. Coltrane (his other "great" role) instead of... er, whatever the hell his name was in Part 1. Not that it matters, since his entire role in this movie can be summed up as "reaction shot". The set-up is lazy and uninspired (They're shooting a reality show on killer shrew island? Yawn. Oh, and fuck you.); their cartoon shrews actually look worse than the cheesy-ass costumed greyhounds of half a century earlier (nice advancement in visual effects, fags); the token bikini "babe" is a complete butterface; the bulk of the dialogue, which is apparently trying to be funny, is rage-inducing in its aggressive stupidity (example: "I think we're gonna need a bigger goat."); the only likeable character is the superficially ambitious blonde (at least she has motives and a personality); and stunt-casting half of the surviving dramatis personæ from The Dukes of Hazzard is such a cloying move that you'll want to kick in every dick in the place. It's a complete waste of everything (except of course talent, because there's none of that evident), and the most probable reason why all John Schneider movies are illegal in the alternate future of 2199. In short, fuck the killer shrews, fuck their return, and fuck this witless shitpile of a movie.


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