Monday, August 19, 2013

The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, seriously, seriously, how can anyone, with a straight face, call their movie The Last Exorcism... Part 2 ???? It's like something out of a Saturday Night Live sketch, except not really because I actually laughed. ("Samurai Delicatessen"? Are you kidding me? Eat shit.) Okay, so our main chick (whom I would just barely fuck) is (still) possessed by the Devil -- or a devil, anyway -- so in due course she's floating above her bed, her body's contorting, she's hurling people out of windows, and so on and so forth. Oh, Satan, why must you be so predictable? Honestly, Ghostbusters effectively parodied all this tired-ass crap into irrelevance back in 1984, so why are we still being subjected to it thirty years later? Is it still because the original Exorcist broke box office records and made ass-loads of money? Well guess what? Exorcists 2-4b didn't, so take the hint already, Hollywood.

L to R: Exorcists 2, 3, 4a, and 4b
Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a good, sleazy, out-of-control exorcism movie like The Tempter (1974) or The Sexorcist (also 1974; that was a good year for sleaze), but these Hollywood takes always seem to feel the need to class it all up, leading to watered-down movies just like this one that are full of missed opportunities. For example, imagine if the street performer who was made up to look like a statue had, after he talked to the main chick, turned out to be an actual statue? How freaky would that have been? Or what if the curly-haired blonde roommate had shown us her tits, possibly while masturbating? That would've been even more awesome. Seriously, the Devil is evil as fuck, so I for one expect way more from him than repeatedly staring at his mark from across the street and making a few crank phone calls. Hell, I can do that, and I've got the restraining orders to prove it. As it stands, the only cool part of this movie is the very last scene, where our fully-possessed main chick slowly drives through town, literally raising hell. Spoiler warning.

Okay, is that the Smurf, or the Molly Ringwald? Anyone?
Suggested followup: The Last Exorcism: The Final Chapter, Part 3
For more, check out my book 66.6 Absurd Movies About the Devil, available here.

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