Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Unlucky Charms (2013)

Five supposed "babes" (pfft, I count one; the other four range in appearance from blandly doable to straight-up ugly, and that's being generous) are participating in what appears to be the most boring, unfocused reality show ever, until you realize that there is not a single camera, light, piece of equipment, or crew member in sight, which means that either a) these are the dumbest bitches ever, and they're all about to be sold into white slavery or b) the people who made this movie have so little respect for their audience that they can't even be bothered to half-ass it. As you probably guessed, it's the latter. The "plot", such as it is, concerns one of the judges, who's using these magically delicious (I'm assuming) charms to compel four monsters to kill the contestants so she can scarf down their souls and remain eternally young and beautiful. (One look at the skank should be ample proof that this plan isn't exactly working, but for the sake of the narrative just pretend that she doesn't immediately make your penis crawl inside your body and die, okay?) The monsters consist of a guy in a shitty cyclops mask that "blinks" via awful cartoon effects, two goons wearing goblin masks lifted from the Walgreen's Halloween aisle, and a red leprechaun suffering from what appears to be DEFCON 2-level acne. Seriously, try washing your face once in a while, you repulsive little fuck.

"Blandly doable to straight-up ugly..." How picky am I, right?
There's one funny joke ("Sorry, was that racist?"); the sole hottie shows us her tits; the ugly Asian chick shows us her fakes (they're absurd); the fat chick covers a video camera with a handkerchief to prevent the producers from hearing her (you dumb, fat bitch); and the guy playing the cyclops sports the kind of haircut that gets people disinherited and is constantly waggling his tongue around like he's still fourteen years old, working his uncle's asshole. Truly fucking terrible in every notable aspect: story, writing, logic, acting, casting, dialogue, makeup, special effects, not pissing me off... the list just goes on and on. In fact, it's a textbook example of a movie made by people who don't give a rat's ass if you're entertained or not, as long as they've already got your money. Just another infuriating example of our migration from a primarily service-based to a fully scam-based economy, where literally everything is an add-on, bait & switch, extra charge, or blatant fucking hose job. No, Target, you egg-sucking cunts, you can't swipe my driver's license so you can collect and sell my personal information. Did I say I wanted the meal, fuck-licker? Stop trying to up-sell me every goddamned time I come in and just get me the artery-clogging Big Mac I ordered. As a matter of fact, I won't pay a surcharge because I'm using a credit card, you money-grubbing, penny-pinching heeb. If you truly and honestly can't afford to keep your doors open because of a fourteen-cent Visa processing fee, maybe running a fucking business isn't part of your personal skill set, moron. And there's no such thing as "shift work disorder", you miserable pricks. It's called "being tired". STOP TRYING TO SELL ME STUPID, MADE-UP SHIT. I am so sick of your endless fucking chicanery. Fuck you, Corporate America, fuck you and die.

Of course, I probably shouldn't get too agitated in this particular case, seeing as I stole this movie via the Internet. Guess the joke's on you, assholes.
For more righteous questionable fury, check out my books at