Tuesday, February 24, 2015

A Chronology on Elm Street, Part 6

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

The problem with movies is that it doesn't take much to fuck one up. One shitty actor, one monster suit sporting a visible zipper, one selfish actress who won't take her top off... Sometimes that's all it takes to bring the whole house of cards tumbling down. This movie, this miserable fucking whore of a movie, is the perfect example. It begins with our lovely blonde Dokken fan still being terrorized by Freddy (see previous entry in this chronology), and with no second third-rate rockers to rescue her this time she's at her wit's end, eating coffee raw and chasing it with Diet Coke in a desperate attempt to remain awake and skinny. This soon lands her in a home for wayward, suicidal teens (my favorite kind), where it turns out that all the patients have the fever for the flavor of a Freddy. (It's an old TV commercial reference, like "Chow chow chow." Just don't worry about it.) Fortunately for them, the main chick from Part 1 (inexplicably not dead, despite the way that movie ended) shows up to help them develop their lucid dreaming skills, the only way to defeat Freddy on his own turf.

Dammit, Freddy, the penis goes inside the hottie, not the other way around.
Meanwhile, this creepy/ridiculous nun reveals that to truly destroy Freddy someone needs to find his remains and bury them in hallowed ground. Or, you know, in the middle of a junkyard, whichever is easier. (Seriously, don't make an effort or anything.) Now, combine these two plot threads and we're finally getting somewhere. Part 3 has always been the natural ending point for sloppy, unplanned movie series because then they can go around claiming that it was "always meant to be a trilogy", and here it is Part 3 and they've come up with a wholly plausible double-whammy means to put Freddy out of commission once and for all that, if it doesn't really make normal sense, at least makes horror movie sense. And fuck me if their two-front assault doesn't work: between fighting the kids in slumberland and reanimating his bones Jason and the Argonauts style in the real world, Freddy's powers are stretched a little too thin and his clock is finally punched. But not before the hot blonde is almost eaten by a gigantic penis; one chick upgrades from a frumpy 4 to an edible 8 when, in her dreams, she reinvents herself as a punk rock chick (I'm telling you middle-of-the-road girls right now, going punk/goth works, and I can't speak for everyone but I have no problem dating a poseur, as long as she's good in the sack.); and a mediocre nurse who's really Freddy in disguise shows us his/her tits while seducing a teenage boy (because as if Part 2 wasn't evidence enough, Freddy is inarguably gay and a pedophile).

Can't name a single song by The Jam. No one cares.
So yeah, this would've been a passable flick if it wasn't scuttled by the bullshit final shot, where it's revealed that Freddy is STILL alive FOR NO DEFENSIBLE REASON WHATSOEVER. You cock-nobbing motherfuckers. You just spent this entire movie meticulously laying out the goddamned "this is how you kill Freddy" rules once and for all, and then you throw the entire megillah out the fucking window with absolutely no explanation???? Are you FUCKING kidding me??? Why, why, why, should I watch a movie where nothing that anyone does matters at all? Freddy still being alive in the final shot of this miserable flick literally negates everything that happened in the 95 minutes preceding it, and everyone involved can just rim my fucking job. Fuck Dream Warriors. I hate this cunt movie.

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