Sunday, March 1, 2015

A Chronology on Elm Street, Part 7

"Are You Ready for Freddy?" - The Fat Boys

Here's some Nightmare on Elm Street trivia for you: Who inherited Freddy Krueger's house after he was killed by that lynch mob? Give up? It was his nephew Mark, AKA Prince Markie Dee of the 1980s rap group the Fat Boys, best known for... being fat, I guess. (If it seems strange to you that it took until 1988 to finalize this transfer of ownership, keep in mind that Freddy's paternity is a bit convoluted. There were at least 100 potential claims floating around out there.) Of course, there is one caveat before he can take possession. That's right: a worldwide scavenger hunt spanning all seven continents, during which the Fat Boys will be competing against none other than the substitute Duke Boys, Coy and Vance! Yeeeee-haw!

Nope, nothing here to offend black audiences.
Okay, fine, I'm kidding; he just has to spend the night in the place, which is, of course, standard legal boilerplate in the horror genre. And this is bad news for Markie Dee and his boys, because while Uncle Freddy Krueger wasn't actually destroyed at the end of Dream Warriors (because fucking bullshit) he did take a serious ass-whuppin' and is currently holed up in his former digs, attempting to recoup. Needless to say, the last thing he needs is a bunch of overweight assholes lumbering around the place and throwing House Party 8. Not to mention the effect on property values if three people of color move into the neighborhood. (Sorry, but it's true.) So Freddy runs them off, but not before they perform a little rap about their predicament, which has no adverse effect on Freddy whatsoever, unlike the music of Dokken. Hell, Freddy even joins in and raps a few lines himself. Why the sudden immunity to pop music? Well, it may seem odd now, but rap music had yet to garner any real critical respect in the late 1980s (the Fat Boys, in fact, were one of the main reasons why), so back then fat phat rhymes simply weren't enough to ward off any serious supernatural threat. You had to rock. Or whatever it is Dokken does.

So yeah, a herd of fatties stampeding through Freddy's house; the riderless tricycle, an ominous symbol of impending doom in all previous Freddy appearances, is inelegantly kicked out of the way by a morbidly obese man as he flees in slapstick terror; and Freddy Krueger raps. Welcome to the Nightmare on Elm Street experience, post-Part 3. You might want to bail now, because it's not gonna get any better.

Also, do I really need to point out that it's super fucking racist to make a video that's entirely about black people being afraid of a ghost? Because it totally is.
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