Monday, March 4, 2013

Banshee (2006)

In this flick, a laughably "tough", professional car thief chick ganks a car from this crazy dude who subsequently kidnaps her boyfriend, cuts of his ear, and threatens to kill him unless she returns his ride, pronto. Way more effective than wasting forty bucks on The Club™. She steals the car back from the gangster she sold it to, but it gets banged up during a chase with this detective who just happens to be on the/her case, so the crazy dude cuts her boyfriend's whole head off and leaves it in her apartment, where the cops find it when they stop by to harass her. She manages to ditch the pigs, but then she loans her highly distinctive jacket to a friend, and when said friend goes to this rave it just so happens that the DJ there is the crazy dude, and he recognizes it. And this is even worse than it sounds, because it turns out that crazy dude isn't just a one-off murderer who gets a little uptight about his car, he's a straight-up serial killer who waxes poetic re: sound waves and keeps at least one victim's brain in his refrigerator. Oh, and he also likes to record the screams of the girls he kills, loop them into his mixes, and play them down at the club. He grabs the friend, and when the main chick shows up at the club looking for them, sure enough, he's playing the very track that has the friend's screams mixed into it! The main chick follows the killer to his secret lair (complete with a Wall of Evidence™. Two, actually, if you count the bodies.), where he traps her using a variety of remote-controlled funhouse tricks. Fortunately, it turns out that the FBI also has their eye on the killer DJ, due to an unrelated case involving illegally download music, so they barge in just in time and start shooting up the place. The main chick and the killer both manage to escape in the confusion though, and they end up having a car chase through the Holland Tunnel that results in a sixteen car pileup and ultimately leads to a final showdown featuring a flamethrower/samurai sword duel atop the Statue of Liberty.

Now, read that paragraph again and try to figure out where I started making shit up.

Seriously, this movie is absurd, but somehow the damn thing works, and this despite the fact that the main chick is an unbelievably shitty actress, not to mention kinda skanky. (Oh I'd hit it in a pinch, or under duress, but that's about it.) It moves along at a nice clip, it's never boring, the friend who gets kidnapped ain't bad looking, and there are actually a couple of subtle, badass moments ("He came back hot."; "My kids go to bed hungry. Understand?") and funny bits (the meth lab). Not exactly recommended (they really should've gotten someone hotter for the lead role, like maybe Natalie Portman, or Flo from the Progressive car insurance commercials), but tolerable enough if you've got nothing else on your plate. Like, you know, a life.

Hope your VD insurance is paid up.
Hype hype hype hype hype.


  1. Thank Satan I read this review!

    I almost rented this from Red Box (not the vending machine. I mean a whore I know with that nickname) thinking it was "Banshee!!!" (yes, three, count them, THREE exclamation points!)

    Banshee!!!, "A group of college friends on a spring break camping trip are stalked and slashed by an unknown creature with the ability to make them hallucinate through sound waves."

    Perfect fap material.

    Thanks for saving me a load (if you know what I mean).

    1. The hilarious part is that I've actually seen "Banshee [with three exclamation points]". maybe I'll review that one one of these days.