Behind the Green Door (1972)

I don't want to drift into "too much information" territory here, but the truth of the matter is that if you could watch my sexual fantasies like a movie, you would claw your own eyeballs out while puking and then, probably, kill yourself. That's why I generally don't watch porn; even the craziest Japanese shit out there is nothing compared to what I can come up with using my very own imagination. Just like they taught us in grade school! Still, if you're really into movies there are a handful (heh) of pornos out there that you have to see. You know, the classics, most of which were made during the 1970s when porn was actually trendy for a while and therethus producers had no choice but to deliver more-or-less real movies that just happen to have hardcore sex in them, rather than a succession of boring sex scenes that last just long enough to get some lonely drunk off before he passes out right there on the couch, dick still in hand, and we come home from the bars and catch him and he never, ever, ever lives it down, not even twenty years later (Rich). The most essential of the classic-era pornos is probably Deep Throat (1972), but Behind the Green Door is a close second and is supposedly infinitely weirder, so I added a roll of paper towels to this week's expense report and decided to check it out.

"I rubbed soap into my eyes until I went blind and I can still see Mr.
Satanism's ghastly, unholy fantasies... My God, so many spiders..."

So, the flick begins with a short order cook taking a dig at the wops before he asks these two cats to tell him the story they promised, the one about about the green door. It seems said cats once went to an exclusive, live-action sex show, that, shockingly, featured, as part of the set design, a green door! Trè tacky. Oh, and the "star" of the show is apparently a girl they saw being abducted earlier that very same evening, that's probably worth mentioning too. It's definitely a creepy setup, but while the chick in question is absolutely beautiful and has an undeniably rockin' bod, she's sporting a truly awful hairdo and frankly I found that pretty distracting. You see? Even white slavery rape porn isn't enough to hold my interest. Another major problem: the live sex show also involves a clown at one point, and that is completely unacceptable, because whether you see them as delightful children's entertainers (wrong) or nightmarish ambassadors from Hell (closer), a clown should be the last thing you're thinking about when you're trying to enjoy porn. Unless you're a child molester, I suppose, or the kind of serial killer who thinks that a demon speaking to him through the neighbor's dog is clearly a unassailable defense for his actions. In fact, I've only seen one good porno featuring clowns, and it involves a whole anus of clowns (it's a flock of seagulls, a murder of crows, and an anus of clowns) cock-blocking a guy and clown gang-banging his girl (you can come up with your own clown-car joke here), who then leaves with them, after which the guy laments "I hate clowns!" See, that's funny. Which is important, because if you can't laugh while you're watching porn, you may very well cry. Trust me, I know.

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