Sunday, December 14, 2014

Arachnoquake (2012)

A year before Sharknado captured our hearts and imaginations there was Arachnoquake, which... didn't. Our movie begins, naturally, with an arachnoquake, one that rates a full 4.5 on the Arachno scale. As any student of seisnoarachmology knows, this almost always results in an influx of poorly-rendered killer spiders that squeak like cartoon chipmunks. Also the spiders are pink, in what I can only assume is an attempt to make this movie appeal more to young girls, one of Syfy's more elusive demographics. Pretty fucking sexist, Syfy Channel. Opposing the spiders: a drunk, barely-employable loser, and Edward Furlong (note: these are two different people). Secondary characters include: Edward Furlong's immanently bangable babe of a daughter, and... no one else of any consequence.

She's listening to Jeremih, but I can let that slide.
Giant spiders are nothing new, of course (at one point, the Syphilis Channel was churning out 3-4 giant spider movies a week), but besides their fabulous color scheme these spiders have a few other attributes that help them stand out from the cluster: they breathe fire (like Godzilla); they can walk on water (like Rik Ocasek); and they have sonar (like Batman) (fuck you, I'm sure he does). There's no plot - just one long, repetitive chase (I'm sure Edward Furlong felt right at home); the cartoon effects are fucking terrible; and, in a slyly racist touch, the two primary black characters are depicted trying to carjack everything in sight, from a trolley to a goddamned boat. Because that's what black people do, right Syfy Channel? They carjack shit. Oh, the producers heard that they rap, too, but they can't confirm this because they never met any black people. Except for Will Smith once. That cat is allight.

What's hairy, pink, and full of poison? What? Jesus Christ, you're disgusting.
Sharks, ghosts, zombies... Mr. Satanism calls them all out, right here.

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