Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Chair (2007)

Wow, the chickie-poo in this movie is a real cutie, and... is she on meds? Why, yes, yes she is. I think I'm in love. And it's a good thing she is so damn adorable, because this really is a movie about a house that's haunted by a goddamned chair. The first half hour or so is pretty spooky though, and I like how they made the main chick more curious than frightened, which at least gives her a plausible reason to keep hanging around the place. Eventually she gets possessed, and for a while the story grinds to a halt because all she does after this is stare out the window and eat cat food. She's like a hotter version of my grandmother. Finally she icepicks her ex-boyfriend in the noggin, and then she uses the aforementioned chair, which she's Rube Goldberged into some sort of unnecessarily-complicated torture device, to give her sister and some annoying little kid the business. The end is pretty stupid (How dumb is this kid? Why doesn't anybody call the cops? And that guy who shows up at the end, whose ass did he fall out of?), but overall it's totally worth catching just for the main chick; I can't remember the last time I crushed on an actress this hard. She's the type of girl who looks better lounging around in sweats than most women look in a $1000 cocktail dress. Especially my last wife, because when I found out she dropped a cool grand on one lousy cocktail dress her accessories ended up being two black eyes and a necklace made out of her own teeth.

For the last time, I promise not to put it
 on YouTube. Just take your clothes off.
For more on haunted house movies,check out my book Legendary House of Haunted Hell, available on Amazon.

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