Dark House (2009)

Every neighborhood has that one house all the kids assume is haunted. On our street it's actually my place, I guess due to all the young girls who supposedly disappeared here even though they never proved anything. The house with the bad kid rep in this movie is really just a foster home, but when one little girl goes inside on a dare she finds a bunch of murdered children, so props to their intuition because if it wasn't haunted before, you better believe it is now.

Still missing. If you have any information, keep your mouth shut.

Time passes, and now our main girl is all grown up and looking to become an actress, I guess because "fairy princess" was far too realistic a goal for her. As it turns out, the rest of the clowns this movie is priming for the slaughter are aspiring actors too, and we're introduced to them in the laziest, most ham-fisted way possible when they do an on-stage "exercise" that allows them to delineate all of their quirks and interpersonal drama without actually needing to do anything. Seriously, this is what passes for "characterization" in this movie. And besides being lazy it's a complete waste of time, since almost all of them have the exact same personality ("asshole"), and they never interact in any meaningful way anyhow.

(L-R) Asshole, asshole, asshole, asshole, I love her, asshole

Of course this movie isn't (only) about how much the writer should be flogged with his own dick, so in short order our cast of cretins falls bass-ackwards into a gig playing ghouls at the former massacre house, now a state-of-the-art haunted house attraction where the ghosts and monsters are all holograms, which cleverly excuses most of the dodgy cartoon effects (you win this round, Dark House). Of course the holograms are quickly possessed by the particularly computer-savvy ghost, all the horror set-pieces come to life, and ultimately we're watching a lamer version of Waxwork. There is some decent gore, someone name-drops Mark of the Devil, a redheaded reporter does a nice job of filling out some capris (as the only male on Earth who thinks capris are sexy, I heartily approve), and we see a stunning little goth chick in her underwear. (The goth chick is definitely the highlight of the movie - not only does she look like Janeane Garafalo's vaguely irritated daughter, but she dies like a champ, snarking wise to the last with a completely blasé look on her face. Beats flailing around, screaming like some girl.) On the negative hand: moronic fuck-shit lines like "Holograms are triggered by fear." (no, idiot, you're thinking of dogs), and the fact that they take great pains to establish one chick as a lesbian, after which she eats exactly zero pussies. That Chekhov's gun guy is probably rolling over in his grave.

As an aside, I see that Herbert West, who plays the owner of the haunted
attraction, has finally completed his transformation into Dennis Hopper.

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Blood In Blood Out: Bound by Honor (1993)

There's this little table next to our dumpster for shit that people are throwing away, but think someone else might be able to use. One time, some idiot left an entire package of cupcakes there. Sealed or not, who's gonna take home a package of cupcakes they found by the dumpster?

Okay, maybe that guy. Anyway, someone left this video there, and this blog being a fairly low-budget operation, I picked it up. Which is how I ended up watching a movie that's best described as "Wetbacks in the Hood". (Actually, this bitch is three hours long, so maybe a better name would be "The Spicfather".) The main beaner (who, just to mix things up a bit, is white) is only a few days away from getting off probation (the thug equivalent of being a few days from retirement) when he caps some fool and ends up in the clink. There's about an hour or so of the usual prison movie bullshit, and then he gets paroled, after which he becomes a useful member of society by holding up an armored car and ending up right back in the joint. Hey, somebody's gotta make all those license plates. By the end, he's organizing a prison-wide massacre of all the honkies (excluding himself), and later, for good measure, all the brothers too. This flick is way too long and never comes close to the awesome, over-the-top insanity of, say, Scarface or Penitentiary III, but there is some cool shit along the way, like gangbangers dropping a dude onto a fire hydrant to break his spine, and a part where someone tosses a pair of grenades onto the dance floor at a popular crowded local nightclub. Plus a little kid who OD's, a gang tattoo cut off with a knife, a car chase, and hilariously dumb lines like these:

Junkie: "For ten years, man, I been star trekkin' in the twilight zone."

Idiot Who's Completely Unclear on the Concept: "She'll be here about seven o'clock sharp."

Oh, and it all ends by assuring us that the kind of prison gang warfare we see depicted in this movie is now under control. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! If you say so, movie.

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The Amazing Adventures of Little Batman (2007)

It's kind of difficult to see, but at the bottom of this poster it says "Rated G for Really Great Movie":

Of course that doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but I'll play their little game: I rate it F for my Foot up their asses. The setup is essentially the old Batman TV show from the 1960s, except in this take everyone's a little kid. (Excluding Alfred, for some reason.) And I mean little kids- they're so little (or dumb) that they can barely talk, which makes the whole experience even more annoying than it was already, and I don't have to tell you, that's quite a feat. I know that people who have kids (or dogs) are always endlessly amazed by anything and everything they do, whether it's getting their first A in math class or finally managing to shit in the right place, but here's a newsflash: nobody else gives a damn. In fact, most of us hate your kids: they're loud, they're obnoxious, they're ugly and stupid because they're related to you, plus they smell and they suck. I'm sure the guy who made this movie thought that dressing a bunch of kids up as Batman & company and letting them run around on camera was totally cute and hilarious, but that's only because he's a goddamned moron. Or possibly a child molester. Either way, the whole idea makes me puke. Screw this worthless piece of guano.

Nice upskirt shot of the mom at the 2:10 mark though. I'd hit it.

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Exercise Break with... The Avenging Apes of Africa (2005)

Wow. Even for Christian television, this is a new low.

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