You know what
really equals trouble? Parading this slew of sex-crazed, underage hotties across my TV screen. I mean, I'm no Jared, but come on, a man can only take so much.
First up, some chippies take a few naked pics, just for a larf...
...but apparently one of them doesn't know how to use e-mail and the next thing you know their racy pictures are all over the school and on my hard drive. Er, I mean NOT on my hard drive. Because I would never. Anyway, I loved their classmate's matter-of-fact reaction to the whole thing:
Chick: "You obviously saw the pictures. They were
supposed to be
private."
Dude: "I guess
that didn't work."
Still, there is an upside they don't mention: after a few weeks of embarrassment and grief, you know these chicks ended up being the most popular girls in school. Especially Chloe.
In our second example, this chick's jealous, creepozoid ex-boyfriend (take my word for it, she can do a lot better) sends naked pics of her to her
mom, to what end I can't possibly imagine. Maybe he's trying to make the mom insecure about her own body so that he can move in, flatter her up, and possibly nail her as well, at which point he can check the ever elusive "mother-daughter combo" off his list. I joke, but that's actually not such a bad plan. Well, aside from the fact that he's 18 and his ex-girlfriend isn't, which means that he'll be doing all his future "sexting" up in the Stateville Prison. Except in this case "sexting" means "being brutally raped by his cellmate", of course.
Our final zany sexual misadventure begins when Mr. Furley... oops, sorry, wrong video. The correct misadventure begins when this kid leaves his Facebook page open and his buddy posts a bunch of hilarious filth. ("The only words here that aren't obscene are
of,
the, and
and," someone subsequently points out.) Luckily for him, nothing really comes of it and the only indignity he suffers is getting bitched out by his sister. Who, I might add, is pretty damn tasty and is welcome to sext me any time:
That's right, I learned absolutely nothing from this video. It's called
confidence. Maybe you should try it sometime. You're welcome.
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My newest book on film, Monkeys & Dinosaurs: Cinema as High Art, Vol. 1
, goes on sale in one short week. In the meantime, catch up by reading all of my previous books, available here.
