Free Mr. Satanism book for the Kindle

My latest book, Lifetime Movies... for Men, is a 100% free download through the end of the weekend. Get it here: Lifetime Movies... for Men on Amazon.

At Risk, By Patricia Cornwell (2006)

Most stories about other people are written as if they already happened, like this:

Patricia read her credit card statement again. She couldn't believe it, but the truth was undeniable. The man she loved was a con artist. She balled the statement up and threw it across the room. Then she fixed herself a drink, cried for a while, and finally called the police. They were lucky this time; he was still in town, and they quickly apprehended him. "Seducing Patricia Cornwell just to steal her credit card number, was it really worth it?" the detective asked. "No," said Mr. Satanism, and puked.
Pretty basic, right? Every once in a while though, you'll run across one that's written as if it's happening right this second, like this:

Patricia reads her credit card statement again. She can't believe it, but the truth is undeniable. The man she loves is a con artist. She balls the statement up and throws it across the room. Then she fixes herself a drink, cries for a while, and finally calls the police. They are lucky this time; he's still in town, and they quickly apprehend him. "Seducing Patricia Cornwell just to steal her credit card number, was it really worth it?" the detective asks. "No," says Mr. Satanism, and pukes.

As you can see, this is super annoying and distracting, and there's really only two reasons to do it: 1) to be pretentious, or 2) to hide the fact that you can't write for shit.

Guess which category Patricia Cornwell falls under?

The story is your basic CSI type crap about solving some old crone's murder (no, not Patricia Cornwell, some other old crone). Here's the main cop's three major personality traits:

1. He's a bully. It's okay though, because he only pushes around the sort of people that the middle-aged women who read these books would hate and/or be afraid of, like punk rock kids and foreigners.

2. He hates women. If a chick is more successful than him, he gives her a demeaning nickname. If she isn't, he totally takes advantage of her. Not sexual advantage, I'm talking like getting her to run his errands and shit.

3. He flaunts all these designer clothes and all this expensive furniture, then brags about how he got it all off eBay or at Big Lots or something. So he's materialistic and a cheapskate.

Obviously this guy is a raging piece of shit, but for some fucked-up reason the book acts like we're supposed to like him. As for the story, it's complete garbage. Most of the "action" is people sorting through file folders; the murder they're supposed to be working on barely even comes up until the very end, at which point they suddenly solve it in two seconds Encyclopedia Brown style; and, just to make things extra fucking stupid, the main cop's mom has ESP, because as we all know ESP is totally real and everybody knows somebody who has it.

The cover of my copy says that this was a "#1 New York Times Bestseller". Seriously, America, you suck.

Addendum: Astoundingly, this piece of crap was actually made into a movie. To read my review of that, check out my book Lifetime Movies... for Men, available on Amazon. It's part of the free preview, so if you're too damn cheap to download the entire book, just click on "Look Inside!" and scroll down until you come to "At Risk (2010)".

Reckless Behavior: Caught on Tape - Supplemental

I reviewed Reckless Behavior in my latest book, Lifetime Movies... for Men, and in the course of that review I singled out the character "Lorraine" and sort of casually mentioned that her ass was my new god. Well, for those of you who are curious, this is Lorriane:

And here (lower left) is her ass:

Any questions? Didn't think so. For more on Lorriane's ass, pick up a copy of Lifetime Movies... for Men, available on Amazon. Oh, and if your ass looks anything like Lorraine's, e-mail me immediately. I've got nothing important going in August. I'm more than willing to drive to wherever you are.

Lifetime Movies... for Men

After several delays caused by the July holiday, an unplanned bender, and other difficulties, my fourth book, Lifetime Movies... for Men, is finally available, exclusively on Amazon. Even better, all day tomorrow it's 100% FREE. That's right, in celebration of Friday the 13th (my second favorite day of the year), you can download the Kindle version absolutely free of charge. So, you know, do that. Here's the link:

Lifetime Movies... for Men

Don't have a Kindle? That's okay - Amazon has a FREE Kindle app that allows you to read the book right on your computer. Download that here. See, everything's free tomorrow. Who says Friday the 13th is unlucky?

The Perfect Tenant (1999)

My latest book, Lifetime Movies... for Men will be available soon, only on Amazon. As a little bonus, here's a review that didn't end up making the final edit:

Wow, the guy in this movie isn't the perfect tenant at all. Talk about ironic. First he murders his landlady's old man, then he shoots her fine-ass daughter's snoopy boyfriend, and finally he kidnaps the daughter herself, who, if I haven't mentioned this already, is toe-suckingly hot. Oh, and he also bumps off a few randoms who happen to get in the way. The best is when he breaks up with/kills his girlfriend: I kid you not, she's still trying to "fix" the relationship while he's caving her skull in with a telephone! That's such a brilliant statement about chicks, on so many levels, that I don't even know where to begin. There's also a twist at the end that almost makes sense, and, best of all, the hottie daughter in bondage. It would've been a much better film if the daughter got naked (or at least dressed like more of a slut), but other than that this isn't half bad. You know, for a man-bashing stalker movie.

Short-haired hottie, bondage, erotic asphyxia... Looks more like the perfect date to me.

Fear not, gang...

This blog has not been forgotten. I've just been hard at work finalizing my latest e-book, available soon. Here's a sneak peek at the cover:

The original concept for the cover featured this girl fighting with a guy over the television remote, but then I figured, who wants to look at some guy? Or a remote? Or this stone-cold hottie with her clothes on? She wouldn't pose nude though, so the above is what we ended up with. The book should be available within the week, so keep checking back to learn how to score a FREE copy. Meanwhile, coming soon to this very blog, some actual content. Watch for it.

P.S. Yeah, I fucking hit it.