Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

Truth be told, I kinda like Keanu Reeves. Oh, he's a shitty actor (in any given role a potted plant could do better), but he's charismatic, in his own way, and he seems like kind of a nice guy. So I decided to go into this movie with an open mind, basically by ignoring everything I know about computers and, like the producers, pretending that the Internet really is an actual alternate dimension as portrayed in movies like The Lawnmower Man (1992) and Tron (1982) (and, inexplicably, again in 2010), and not merely a convenient conduit for thirteen-year-olds to call me a faggot on Reddit. Besides, the guy who wrote this movie basically invented cyberspace, so let's face it, anything he got wrong, fuck you, no he didn't.

Why?

So, Keanu plays portrays acts... Fuck. Okay, just accept that he's this guy, alright, this guy who's got computer hardware in his head and hires himself out as a sort of cybernetic courier. Basically, you upload information into his noggin and he smuggles it to another location where it can be safely downloaded. How this is preferable to just shoving a thumb drive containing the data up his ass is actually explained, but how it's easier than simply encrypting the information and e-mailing it to the intended recipient isn't. No matter, I said I'm giving this one a chance, so fine, I'll buy their (stupid) premise. It's fucking stupid though.

"He has the eyes of one who never awakes."

Naturally some bad guys are after the information in question, but Keanu's biggest problem is that the data currently loaded into his brain is 160 gigabytes over his personal capacity, which we're told is extremely dangerous. This is probably supposed to generate some additional suspense, although if Keanu Reeves shorted out half his brain I doubt we'd notice any change in his behavior whatsoever. There's plenty of violence; lots of trench coats; Ice T and Henry Rollins appear, apparently competing with each other to see who can give the most embarrassing performance (Rollins wins); the fashions are hilariously out-of-date 1980s futurisms (I can't remember the last time I saw so many people who looked like they were auditioning for the band Split Enz); the main chick is exceptionally hot and has a terrific ass; Keanu's mid-movie rant about wanting a club sandwich is fucking hilarious for all the wrong (and therefore right) reasons; and the thrilling climax, which involves a crossbow fight with the Yakuza, a junkie dolphin reading Keanu Reeve's mind, a last-minute rescue by an electronic ghost, and He-Man being cooked alive, is so delirious you can't help but love it.

Hey, baby, don't cover up on my account.

Ultimately, Johnny Mnemonic is no dumber than The Matrix (1999), and unlike The Matrix it doesn't blow its entire wad twenty minutes in and then just flail around for the rest of its running time plus two even-worse sequels. In short, I liked it. And no, I'm not being sarcastic or ironic - I actually liked it. Scout's honor.

You can see my eyes, you can tell that I'm not lyin'

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A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)

Terrorist John "Die Hard" McClane travels to Russia, where he commits a carjacking, kills dozens of civilians during an ill-advised car chase through crowded city streets, helps an accused criminal elude the authorities, and causes untold property damage. Whenever someone questions his behavior he responds with his new catchphrase ("I'm on vacation!"), shoots them, and then sodomizes their corpse. We know Die Hard's really a good guy though, because he is willing to share the occasional "moment" with select Russians -- as long as they speak English -- and he speechifies his regrets about being a dick in the past, although this doesn't effect any of his current decisions to be a dick. Nevertheless, a few folks do try to kill Die Hard in return by shooting at him with machine guns and, at one point, a military-grade helicopter. He always manages to duck though.

A scene from one of the Die Hard movies, probably.

As an impromptu justification for murdering so many people and destroying so much shit, Die Hard decides to help the CIA -- played by his son -- smuggle a political prisoner out of the county. Having lived through seven or eight previous Die Hard movies however, Die Hard Sr. knows that there's going to be a big twist, and sure enough, the bad guy they're smuggling out of the country turns out to be a bad guy. He's confident Die Hard won't arrest him though, because "You're out of your jurisdiction, Detective McClane." He's right, of course, so Die Hard Jr. tosses him off a building and into some whirling helicopter blades instead, in a comedic callback to Die Hard 1. Because how funny is it that Die Hard 1 exists? (I assume that's the joke, since merely reminding people that a thing exists counts as jokes now.) In retaliation, the pretty girl bad guy crashes the helicopter into the building where Die Hard and his son are standing, but they both escape by jumping out a window and falling multiple stories through several harmless planes of glass. The helicopter falls the same distance but explodes (three times), killing everyone on board. Then, since they're currently at the site of the Chernobyl disaster and there is literally nothing else in the vicinity to destroy, the movie ends.

A lot of people hated this entry in the series, but fortunately Hollywood doesn't care what people think and besides, what did they expect, a bunch of hugging? Two-and-a-half stars.

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The Mr. Satanism Library

Poltergeist (2015)

Of all the classic Steven Spielburger movies, far and away the most overrated is fucking Poltergeist. Not that it doesn't have some good shit in it, but there's a point somewhere around the middle where it just totally loses its mind and stops making any goddamned sense whatsoever. So yeah, remake that bitch and let's see what happens. How bad could it be? And as it turns out this is a perfectly serviceable haunted house movie. Sure, it's not as good as the original, but frankly it's not that much worse either. They do sell some of it way too hard (everything to do with the tree), but the dumbest bits from the original (like the crawling steak) have been excised completely and if you ask me most of the scary parts in this remake work. Frankly, the only major problem with this version is the family who's getting poltergeisted. In the original they were all pretty likable, you know, for white people. Here though, not so much. The dad, for example, is a jerk, but he's one of those subtle jerks that you want to punch the second you meet but you're not exactly sure why. Guys like him never beat their kids and rarely cheat on their wives, but they think about it a lot. They usually watch too much football. The wife is far from ugly but isn't good-looking either, and has the personality of paste. She's the kind of woman you forget you once had sex with while you're still having the sex with her. The little boy, realistically annoying in the original, is taken to an extreme here. He's such a detestable sissy-bitch that you'll be praying for him to actually get eaten by the tree this time. Or the clown puppet. Or anything, really. Hell, if he just died from meningitis or something that would be fine with me. The two daughters are okay though, especially the teenager. Yum. You probably knew I was going to say that, didn't you?

                     Kndra: Rents out. Brats sleepin. Cum over an lets fuck

                     MrS: Cant. Watching Poltergeist

                     Kndra: New or old?

                     MrS: New

                     Kndra: Im breaking up w you

All the shit with the power lines and the static electricity and the electronics operating on their own reminded me of original Poltergeist ripoff Pulse (1988). (This is not a good thing.) The hands in the TV are creepy. The scene with the maxed-out credit cards is good, even if it belongs in the Amityville Horror remake more than it belongs here. The bit with the comic books is heavy-handed, stupid, and, thanks to Ghostbusters ("No human being would stack books like this."), instantly mockable. Whoever dreamed up that scene must have a pop culture awareness level of zero. The dead flowers would've been a nice, subtle touch, if the dad didn't blatantly acknowledge them, completely ruining the effect. The teenage daughter has a fantastic ass. "We're gonna get in big trouble!" was perfect, exactly the reaction a child would have. I was happy to see Jane Adams show up. I've always wanted to fuck her. The dad pukes up worms immediately after drinking some hooch, as if to say "Remember Poltergeist II? This is better than Poltergeist II, right?" The drill scene isn't bad. Their use of the drone was a clever update. I didn't get the end; are they just not going to live in a house ever again? Never thought I'd hear a Cramps song in a Spielberg movie. Okay, it's a cover of a Cramps song, but this is a remake of a Spielberg movie, so close enough.

Yes, there's no defensible reason for Poltergeist 2015 to exist, but, ultimately, there's no real reason to be upset about it either. If you're a Spielberg fan what you should really be worrying about is this: Which classic Steven Spielberg movie will they remake next?

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Read about more cinematic haunted houses here.

Monkeys & Dinosaurs!

Above: a promotional photograph from the Japanese version of Planet of the Apes, and yes that monkey in the white pimp suit is flipping us off, British style. To learn more about this terrible film, and just about every other dinosaur and/or killer monkey movie ever made, check out my latest book Monkeys & Dinosaurs: Cinema as High Art, Vol. 1, available right now on Amazon, here:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B014LH22KI

Sexting: Sex + Text = Trouble

You know what really equals trouble? Parading this slew of sex-crazed, underage hotties across my TV screen. I mean, I'm no Jared, but come on, a man can only take so much.

First up, some chippies take a few naked pics, just for a larf...

...but apparently one of them doesn't know how to use e-mail and the next thing you know their racy pictures are all over the school and on my hard drive. Er, I mean NOT on my hard drive. Because I would never. Anyway, I loved their classmate's matter-of-fact reaction to the whole thing:

Chick: "You obviously saw the pictures. They were supposed to be private."

Dude: "I guess that didn't work."

Still, there is an upside they don't mention: after a few weeks of embarrassment and grief, you know these chicks ended up being the most popular girls in school. Especially Chloe.

In our second example, this chick's jealous, creepozoid ex-boyfriend (take my word for it, she can do a lot better) sends naked pics of her to her mom, to what end I can't possibly imagine. Maybe he's trying to make the mom insecure about her own body so that he can move in, flatter her up, and possibly nail her as well, at which point he can check the ever elusive "mother-daughter combo" off his list. I joke, but that's actually not such a bad plan. Well, aside from the fact that he's 18 and his ex-girlfriend isn't, which means that he'll be doing all his future "sexting" up in the Stateville Prison. Except in this case "sexting" means "being brutally raped by his cellmate", of course.

Our final zany sexual misadventure begins when Mr. Furley... oops, sorry, wrong video. The correct misadventure begins when this kid leaves his Facebook page open and his buddy posts a bunch of hilarious filth. ("The only words here that aren't obscene are of, the, and and," someone subsequently points out.) Luckily for him, nothing really comes of it and the only indignity he suffers is getting bitched out by his sister. Who, I might add, is pretty damn tasty and is welcome to sext me any time:

That's right, I learned absolutely nothing from this video. It's called confidence. Maybe you should try it sometime. You're welcome.

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My newest book on film, Monkeys & Dinosaurs: Cinema as High Art, Vol. 1, goes on sale in one short week. In the meantime, catch up by reading all of my previous books, available here.

Snakes, Rats, Spiders, and Bats

My latest book is now available! Check it out here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00XSIAZF6. Best of all, it's absolutely free starting Monday and ending on Friday, so get it while it's hot! And free. Free's the important thing.